Too Young For This

Too Young For This

I am 28 years old and the medical problems just keep multiplying. I was in Port Clinton, Ohio last few days with my mother and my son. I had a very hard time moving around and ended up feeling completely useless. I could barely walk my son to the little playground at the camp grounds for him to play and get some of his energy out. I get weakness and pains in my legs they feel very achy. I sat down at a picnic table and watched him from a distance. It's bad enough that I have so many mental health issues but now a physical toll? It's ridiculous! On our way back, I had to stop and sit down even though we were only 10 feet away from our mobile home. My brother had met us up there and we took my son to the library and then to another more extravagant playground and all I could do was sit at a picnic table there and watch. I couldn't walk around and interact with him while he played. We got home to Cleveland, Ohio and I had to do laundry. I went upstairs to gather my laundry in a basket and brought it down one floor. I had to take about a 10 minute break because of my legs and chest pains before I was able to take the laundry down another level of the house to get it in the washer. I struggled coming up the stairs after getting the load in the wash. My mother felt terrible for me and offered to be my ride to and from work the whole week. I know she feels horrible that there's nothing she can do for her struggling baby daughter (I'm the youngest of six) I have an EMG scheduled for May 1st. They will be poking my legs checking for Neuropathy and nerve damage. This will be my second EMG. I also have an appointment with my primary care physician coming up in May but my mother said to make one sooner since my leg problems are getting worse and I'm having a hard time breathing when I exert myself. It feels like I'm suffocating at times. I can't seem to get all the oxygen my body is wanting and it gives me chest pains. I was on Topamax and that is where the leg problems began but they've gotten worse since coming off of the medication. I'm afraid that i'm going to have these problems forever and won't be able to walk well the rest of my life. I will be missing out on a lot. like Trick-or-Treating with my son for Halloween or even getting in better shape and losing some weight. I can only pray that God will help me out a little and ease my pain.

Losing My Motivation

Losing My Motivation

I don't know what's wrong with me. I used to feel so determined and driven. Now I feel like a failure. I still haven't done my prep or placement tests for school and I feel I've lost the motivation to even go through with it and I hate myself for it! I'm moving in June and will only have two days to myself during the normal week since I will be changing my schedule at work. I also went to my psychiatrist yesterday who put me on an anti-depressant which is supposed to increase my drive to do things. I really hope it works because like I said I feel like a complete failure and so depressed! I haven't been showering regularly anymore and it takes longer than a week to get laundry from the previous week folded and to do laundry from that week. I have no idea what happened. Was it a manic state of being the whole time? Is what I am like now my normal? If it is, I am disgusted with myself. I want so very much to go to school and follow my dreams and heart but now I have no motivation or drive to take the needed steps to do that. I honestly couldn't feel more low than I do at this very moment. I let myself down and most of all I let my son down. He deserves a better mother that will fight battles to ensure he has a blossoming future. At this point in time I'm battling myself and haven't the strength to win over this mental illness. It's a constant battle. Why must life be so difficult? I really wish it were smooth sailing and easier but I guess that wouldn't be much fun. I need to get my drive back and go to school and stick to it. for my son and my own sake I need to do something with my life. Perhaps I will try again in the Fall semester. give me a little time to get my drive back and get back on the right track mentally. I need to go back to school and succeed even once in my life. Perhaps this fall when I've had a chance to let the meds work and get settled into my new living situation and get a handle on how the routines will be there I will be able to take the step to go back to college. I just have to keep it on my mind.

First Steps To Independence

First Steps To Independence

With all the drama at home I've decided it's time to leave the nest. A friend of mine came out of the woodwork and reached out to me. I have known her since high school and she said I could move in with her if I want/need to. It's really nice to know I have friends that are willing to help me out. After my son Tristan is done with school for the year I plan on making the big move which will be good for him and me mentally and emotionally. Perhaps it will improve our moods and the relationship I have with my family. It's a step to me becoming more independent. There I will be able to learn more finances and to cook. My friend doesn't drink so perhaps I won't even drink anymore (hopefully) and she'll keep me in check and doing what I have to do. I already discovered how I will be able to get to doctor appointments I just need to figure out Tristan's school for the next year. He's going to a great school with an amazing staff and I don't want to tear him away from that. I'm going to run an idea by my mom to ensure his schooling opportunities aren't affected by the move and next year, when he starts kindergarden, I'll send him to a charter school. I am positive things will take an upward turn for us and I can focus on my son, my mental health, and my independence as a woman and getting a place of my very own to raise him the way I want to raise my son. I believe we will flourish! I'm not gonna get into the fight. They are all practically the same, I get targeted and end up miserable and then things go back to the way they always have the next day. the inconsistency is driving me nuts. I live in the most bi-polar family ever to walk earth! I need a change and even though i'm afraid of the unknown, to ensure my son's happiness is what any good mother would do. he is miserable every day and acts out because he can't appropriately react to the negativity that's constantly unfolding around him. he needs some positivity in his life and it's up to his mother to give him that. 

Good and Bad Impressions

Good And Bad Impressions

There's been many controversies around children wearing makeup. When I was a child I had little makeup but it was nothing that was prominent and would stand out or even stay on for that matter and I never even had an idea of what I was even doing really. I had those little children play makeup kits that came with plastic pearl necklaces and bangles. I'm an adult now and still have no concept of contouring and highlighting and barely the use of eyeliner. Now you can go on YouTube and watch little girls as young as 3 years old doing makeup tutorials with items such as highlighters and foundations and to the extremes of contouring. Call me old fashioned but this just doesn't sit right with me. Children are easily impressioned and too young to have to follow society's standards not to mention their skin is overly delicate. who knows what that makeup is doing to their poor skin. A friend of mine agrees that it is rather disturbing. I am going to show you to a video  that we both found highly disturbing to watch.

Does this look like a child "playing" with makeup? I believe this child actually knows what she's doing and that's unbelievably sad! some people who commented on the post my friend posted on her timeline applauded the girl's skills and said that she will have a bright future in makeup. Perhaps that is so. But what I see is a child being robbed of her childhood by being exposed to society's standards too soon. What child needs to worry about her looks at what, maybe 4 years old. my friend stated and I quote anonymously "Little girls should not be doing full blown makeup tutorials especially when they still got similac on their breath" Now that may have been used a little unorthodoxly but it's true she's still just a baby. Someone who commented on that post gave the little girl props and said she lets her kids play with makeup and gives them tips. well great tell them to hide their true beauty. They can't decide for themselves whether or not they want to wear makeup? If I had a daughter she wouldn't be touching real makeup until she was 14 and even then it would only be a little concealer maybe foundation a natural lipcolor and eyeliner we're not going crazy here there will not be any contouring and highlighters and junk you can keep it natural because natural is beautiful too. When she get's a job she could buy whatever makeup she wants and watch the tutorials on YouTube to learn how to use it. I just find this form of "beauty" to be a form of child abuse. children should accept themselves.