New Chapter

New Chapter

It is time for me to start a new chapter in my life. Two days ago I found out they're terminating my position at work. I'm not being fired; i'm being laid off and they won't be refilling my permission. I was getting paid with a grant and they no longer needed me and cut funding for my permission.

When my boss pulled me aside and told me my last day will be December 28th I wasn't as Devastated as I thought i'd be. We agreed that it just may be a blessing in disguise. It is. I've been wanting to leave this job for a while. I don't like the organization's mindset, I don't like that I can't work full-time, or that I don't get benefits or holiday/vacation pay. The only good thing about working here are most of the people I directly work with. They have been kind, supportive, patient. I won't find a better group of people to surround myself with.

My boss gave me a couple options. 1. I could go through the employment agency with them to find me other employment that I would be better suited for and more utilized with my skills. Option 2. Her supervisor gave me a job offer as a DSP (Direct Support Professional) Pretty much I would work in a group home attending to the people who live there. The problem with that position is it's from 3:00 pm- 11:00 pm so I would not see my son much. They are willing to accommodate that i'm unable to drive and assign me to a home on a bus-line though which  suppose is nice.

I am at a loss. I might be forced to take that position on account of having bills that I need to pay. I don't think it's a very good fit for me though. I am pretty shy around people I don't know, besides I don't know all the details of the job yet.

My mother says I should try the agency route for a while and if it doesn't pan out then accept the job offer. That's probably what I'm going to do. She also said that if i'm not eligible for unemployment she will help pay a few of my bills. I'd really be lost without her.

Hopefully I will attain employment again soon. This will be a step into greater things. I'm actually considering it a nice long vacation. At least until February when my payments are due -gulp-

Tired

Tired

I have decided i'm just tired. Do I mean sleepy? no. I'm tired with my life. Not to the point that i'm suicidal but i'm to the point that if the grim reaper came for me, I most likely wouldn't put up a fight. My life is nothing but a routine and I feel so alone. I even started pushing guys away that might show any interest because I just feel so helpless and uninterested.

My life is a routine. It lacks any change or excitement. I wake up every tuesday - Friday and I get dressed, let my dog out, make a cup of coffee, leave for work, do nothing at work, come home and deal with my at times cruel bitch of a sister. Go to bed, wake up, and repeat all over again. I don't go out much and I have to deal with my family and their alcoholic ways. I'm also tired of that.

I never get to see my best friends. One lives in Kent and doesn't drive. Lately she's never there for me either because all she does is work and sleep so in my depression i've distanced myself from her. My other best friend is always working and lives farther away. He drives but we've never had time to just get together and hang out. That's my whopping number of real friends. None of my other so-called friends ever talk to me. Hell they don't even respond to my social media posts. I suppose a big F-You is in order.

I don't have a love life. I tend to attract assholes, Nice guys can't even bother with me. I'm to the point where I have no interest in male companionship or finding "the one" because let's be honest here, he doesn't exist! So I procrastinate meeting up with any more guys and have little interest in having any form of relationship. I uninstalled all my dating apps from my phone and am tired of guys' main interest being of a sexual nature no matter how much I tell them they have to be patient with me. It's not good enough for them so I give up.

I am rarely loved by my son. He never wants to sleep in my room with me it's only grandpa. He's always mad at me and I never do anything right by him or up to my parents' standards. I suppose i'm the epic fail of the family. This may be in my head. Occasionally my son will tell me he loves me but it seems to only be when he's getting his way. otherwise he can be kind of abusive to me. I sometimes wonder if I deserve the abuse. I also wonder how I'm failing so epically as a parent which in itself makes me depressed.

I never go out except to and from work. No one invites me out with them but that's because in the end I have no friends. No one's available when I try to invite them out either so I gave up trying. Funny how they come out of the wood work though when they want to borrow $20 right? When I can afford to, I do therapeutic shopping. I've gone to Tower City which is our downtown mall and shopped and stopped by the casino. It never fills the void though.

I am stuck in a dead end position at work. I'm stuck working part time, on an independent contract, no benefits of any kind, no employment wide recognition for my work. The worst thing is, it's not that I haven't been looking for a different job but I never get interviews and even when I do soon after comes the rejection letters. People say "get a new job" when I complain about work. Neither is that very supportive nor easy to accomplish for someone like me. Like me being someone who is awkward during interviews thanks to perhaps my ADHD.

I am just over living and completely unsatisfied with my life. So helpless and at a loss of self-worth. I just wish God would call me home already. Even writing this all I can think is people saying "well change it" like me getting a new job, it's hard to do.

Amazing Mom

Amazing Mom

In the past I've complained a great deal about my mom. probably to an ungrateful bitch-like degree. The truth is she's actually pretty amazing. Sure she's got habits that drive me crazy and she is perfectly flawed as are any human beings. She has always been there when I needed her. To bail me out of sticky situations, to help me raise my son, financial turbulence, and making deals but that's mainly because she knows i'm good for it. This post is to explain, maybe in a bragging type way (sorry if it's snobbish) about how cool my mother really is.

In 2011 I reunited with my High School Sweetheart. We ran off to Arizona together which was a big mistake. Some time came and he started completely neglecting me to go hang out with a female friend. He never really spent time with me because there were other things he'd rather be doing. He destroyed my cell phone and my laptop during fights and was very immature and violent. No he never hit me but I was mentally and emotionally drained. I found out I was pregnant with my now six year old boy. My mother had sent me some money for food. The bastard ate most of my food damn well knowing I was pregnant. I finally got sick of his shit and left him. I begged my mother to go home and she paid for a bus ticket for me to leave. Thank you mom!

My mom don't see eye to eye most of the time when it comes to my son who has severe ADHD as well as Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Many times there is miscommunication and when I say "no" she says "yes" and often undermines my authority with him. Or tells me he's doing something regarding him instead of asking. She pretty much tries to take over constantly. The thing is, I'd be lost without her. She and my father give us a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, and clothes on our backs. She pays the bills with her and my father's retirement money so that while we spar over my son's upbringing, we can all live comfortably. Or as comfortably as we can get with three mothers in the household.

Often, I run into financial issues. messed up on my budget and couldn't afford all my bills because I thought I had more money than I did. Or the bank once royally fucked me. I over drew a dollar and they charged me over $200 in overdraft fees in a day. Guess what though? My mom leant me the money to stop the charges. Luckily though I complained to the bank the next day and they dropped the fees so I was able to return the money to my mom rather quickly. She's helped me on various overdraw accidents other times as well. Since then I have been better watching my spending.

My mom is awesome to make deals with. We went 50/50 on a bike for Christmas last year. It was her idea because she did the same with my sister. I also asked her if we could do a deal that I'd give her a down payment if she let me use a credit card on a Tablet and a couple accessories. Just so I could get it sooner than the end of the month. She agreed, and now I have an awesome new tablet. I already put it in my budget to pay her back at the end of the month. Thank goodness i'm reliable when I owe people money. It's to the point I worry and obsess constantly about it.

The moral of the story is: Your mother never stops looking out for you. When you're a baby, she cares for you, when you're a rebellious teenager, she still tries to have your best interest at heart. Even though you may not see it that way at the time. As an adult you realize her time is rapidly drawing closer and closer to an end and you begin to reflect on your life with her. You start to appreciate her regardless of the disagreements you have. I'm certain even in death she will be watching over you. Never take your mother for granted. Thank You Mom!

Something's Fishy

Something's Fishy

I have been eating fish a lot lately. Sure that doesn't sound like a big deal but hear me out. I have hated fish for practically my whole life. Well, minus the occasional fish stick lunch in kindergarten. Even then I wasn't really a fan. Then my adult days come and I start trying more seafood. Shrimp, Crab legs. I however couldn't bring myself to try fish. That was, until I was 29 and at a work department dinner for the holidays. They ordered fried Calamari. I have no idea but it smelled amazing and I took a nibble. I liked it and ended up eating damn near the whole plate alone.

The coworker sitting next to me ordered wood smoked salmon. It smelled good and she is all for others trying something new. She gave me a bite sized piece of her Salmon and it was so good! I had it again on a dinner date with my mom that was apart of a trio. Shrimp, Lobster Tail (which I never had before) and the salmon.

The next fish I tried was Perch. My mom, brother, son, and I went to our vacation home and she made it. I was reluctant to try it but I did anyway. It was also delicious! The texture took a little getting used to but it was literally melt in your mouth. The seasoned breading was amazing too.

Yesterday I finally had gotten my bottom braces on so i've been trying to think of gentle foods to eat. That is where I came up with the combo up top. Mashed Taters, Mac N' Cheese, and Fried Cod. I made the mistake of getting two fillets because by the time I finished one and both my sides, I was stuffed. Ended up wasting half of the other.

My point is, how funny it is that your tastes change as you age. I went from never going to try it, to eating it when I feel like trying something new. I'm actually turning into a seafood lover and it's no longer limited to shellfish. What have you eaten that you didn't, in your wildest dreams, think you'd ever like? oh c'mon, I know there's something!