Tired

Tired

I have decided i'm just tired. Do I mean sleepy? no. I'm tired with my life. Not to the point that i'm suicidal but i'm to the point that if the grim reaper came for me, I most likely wouldn't put up a fight. My life is nothing but a routine and I feel so alone. I even started pushing guys away that might show any interest because I just feel so helpless and uninterested.

My life is a routine. It lacks any change or excitement. I wake up every tuesday - Friday and I get dressed, let my dog out, make a cup of coffee, leave for work, do nothing at work, come home and deal with my at times cruel bitch of a sister. Go to bed, wake up, and repeat all over again. I don't go out much and I have to deal with my family and their alcoholic ways. I'm also tired of that.

I never get to see my best friends. One lives in Kent and doesn't drive. Lately she's never there for me either because all she does is work and sleep so in my depression i've distanced myself from her. My other best friend is always working and lives farther away. He drives but we've never had time to just get together and hang out. That's my whopping number of real friends. None of my other so-called friends ever talk to me. Hell they don't even respond to my social media posts. I suppose a big F-You is in order.

I don't have a love life. I tend to attract assholes, Nice guys can't even bother with me. I'm to the point where I have no interest in male companionship or finding "the one" because let's be honest here, he doesn't exist! So I procrastinate meeting up with any more guys and have little interest in having any form of relationship. I uninstalled all my dating apps from my phone and am tired of guys' main interest being of a sexual nature no matter how much I tell them they have to be patient with me. It's not good enough for them so I give up.

I am rarely loved by my son. He never wants to sleep in my room with me it's only grandpa. He's always mad at me and I never do anything right by him or up to my parents' standards. I suppose i'm the epic fail of the family. This may be in my head. Occasionally my son will tell me he loves me but it seems to only be when he's getting his way. otherwise he can be kind of abusive to me. I sometimes wonder if I deserve the abuse. I also wonder how I'm failing so epically as a parent which in itself makes me depressed.

I never go out except to and from work. No one invites me out with them but that's because in the end I have no friends. No one's available when I try to invite them out either so I gave up trying. Funny how they come out of the wood work though when they want to borrow $20 right? When I can afford to, I do therapeutic shopping. I've gone to Tower City which is our downtown mall and shopped and stopped by the casino. It never fills the void though.

I am stuck in a dead end position at work. I'm stuck working part time, on an independent contract, no benefits of any kind, no employment wide recognition for my work. The worst thing is, it's not that I haven't been looking for a different job but I never get interviews and even when I do soon after comes the rejection letters. People say "get a new job" when I complain about work. Neither is that very supportive nor easy to accomplish for someone like me. Like me being someone who is awkward during interviews thanks to perhaps my ADHD.

I am just over living and completely unsatisfied with my life. So helpless and at a loss of self-worth. I just wish God would call me home already. Even writing this all I can think is people saying "well change it" like me getting a new job, it's hard to do.