A Time In Need

A Time In Need

With the news of my sister's critical condition my family couldn't be more in a time of need. She is in critical condition and in a induced coma at the hospital. She has a severe infection which traveled from her abdomen to her heart. Her heart is already in fragile condition and is equipped with a pace maker. She has always had physical and mental medical problems that needed to be addressed but I guess her body couldn't handle it anymore.

I've blamed myself for how she came out in a way. I think to myself "If only I were a better and more devoted sister" I think she has a grudge about how we weren't raised together and blamed my adoptive parents on her rough childhood in the foster care system. I think she believes my adoptive parents didn't want her too. On the contrary, they fought to try to keep us together but the foster care agency wouldn't allow it. I'm honestly not quite sure why, but I hate them for it. My sister and I grew apart and I became very distant from her despite all her attempts to contact me. I was lying to myself. I figured I only really had one family and ended up cutting ties with my entire birth family.

Her one biggest wish was that my dad aka step-dad, my mother, she, and I would be a real family again. With this event in wake I've decided to change my ways and devote myself to my birth family. My mother needs me as she grieves thinking she will be losing another daughter. I'm grieving in my own way. I have knots in my throat, feel sick to my stomach but can't seem to manage a tear. I am going to my parent's for the first time in 6 years. to spend some quality time with them and then go see my sister again. I want to repair the damage time has caused. I plan to print out the poem I wrote for her to read it to her as well as make out a card for her.

Even in hard times, good will arise. An aunt (my step-dad's sister) contacted me today and she seems to be the sweetest woman. We chatted on Facebook about my sister and she gave me words of wisdom which I much needed to hear. She invited me to lunch sometime as well as their next family reunion. She had told me she's seen my sister a handful of times and will be praying for her. That anything we need, she'll try her best to help us and to keep her updated on my sister's prognosis. It was really nice that she reached out to me and wants to engage in a familiar relationship as aunt and niece.

I wish I could let my emotions come out. Maybe I figure my mom is at a weak point right now and I need to be strong for her sake. She's been strong for way too long and has dealt with so much. All I can do is plea to God not to take my sister and pray for her health to improve. I pray that my deceased grandmother will be her guardian angel as she fights for her life.

This is such a difficult time for me and I think i'm in a state of shock mixed with an essence of disbelief. If I hadn't seen her for myself last night I wouldn't have let the reality sink in. I feel like a horrible sister that I never tried to talk to her often or even my parents for that matter. I was busy thinking I had all the time in the world to make amends with my family. Unfortunately, God is trying to make other plans. I would give anything to switch places with her just so she wouldn't have to endure so much pain. I might not have been world's #1 sister but I will say that I love my little sister to death! I just wish it were my own and not possibly hers.