Baby Days

Baby Days

Yesterday was a pretty slow day. I was looking at my scrapbook and found a few blank pages. I decided to add a page to update a bit. The only thing wrong with the page I made is I somehow managed to get my second son Gabriel's birth-date wrong. I put 03/09/09 when it was actually on Friday the 13th in that month. I should have known better because during my stay in the hospital, I joked to the nurses that I should have named him Jason.

Overall though I thought I did a relatively nice job. I did the page on Microsoft Word and tried to scan a picture of me and my first born but the scanner on the printer wasn't working so I had to copy the picture, glue it to the page, and then copy the page again so it was all on one page in order. The first picture was when I was 18 with my first born Julian Connor, the second was when I was 21 with my second born Gabriel Dragan, and the third was when I was 24 with my youngest Tristan Danyael.

I love all three of my boys even though Julian is now in my sister's care and Gabriel is with his father. I do however have my youngest who is a typical pain in the ass five year old. They all are turning out to be amazing little men. They all have their moments though. Julian can be selfish and a bully to his baby brother. Gabriel is greedy and somewhat spoiled, and Tristan is very anger stricken and whiny.

They have their good points too though. Julian can be kind when he wants to be and occasionally gives me a back rub when my muscles hurt and acknowledges  he's my son and will use "like mother like son" references. Gabriel is extremely kind and polite, he loves unconditionally despite the hardships he's been through. Then Tristan is a bit of a charmer. He'll get cuddly with hugs and kisses and will occasionally do manicures and pedicures with me.

I feel horrible that my first and second born aren't in my care. I wasn't ready for Julian and fell into a deep post-partum depression after giving birth. I would not get out of bed for anything let alone take care of my child. I pretty much pawned him off on whoever was there. Most of the time it was my sister and she grew attached. I was in an abusive relationship with Gabriel's father. It made me miserable and extremely depressed so I would stay in bed and neglect my sons. I finally had the nerve to leave eventually but didn't take Gabriel with me. Julian however was gone for a visit with my parents and I told them to keep him there. That will always be my #1 regret in life.

The thing is though, If I were to have Gabriel with me, I may not have ran off with a former High School sweetheart and gotten myself pregnant a third time. Tristan changed me. I try much harder with him and got off my ass to take care of him around the clock. I was mentally more stable and was out of abusive situations. He made my life complete and he's my world. I would be so lost and wouldn't know the point of living was anymore if I ever lost him.

I have hope that all three of them will be good men when they're older and pray that God keeps watching over them through everything and bless them with amazing lives. I hope their days are full of joy and happy memories. They all have went through a lot. Abuse, neglect, a lazy,distant, and mentally ill mother who struggles daily. Perhaps they will learn to not be like their mother and take care of their children the best they can when that time comes.