CPAP

CPAP

I went to my sleep doctor yesterday for the results of my Sleep Study. They told me my results which was that I have Severe Obstructive Sleep Apnea. The treatment for that is a CPAP machine. A CPAP machine mainly forces your airway open so you keep breathing in your sleep and minimizes snoring as well.

To be honest, i'm actually rather excited to be getting one of these things. I ended up having to wear one during the sleep study and was surprised about how comfortable the mask actually was. Also I guess I had only worn it for a couple hours but I felt a big difference in my energy and overall feeling when I was woken up. took a second but after I stopped feeling groggy I was on cloud 9. I didn't go back to bed when I got home. I drank coffee and folded my laundry.

The doctor said I should hear from the CPAP medical company by Tuesday and if not give them a call. The machine is going to be delivered to my house by the end of the month so I'm extremely excited. Per insurance requirements, I must wear the machine at least 4 hours every night. I also have to wear it one month out of the 2 before I have to bring it in to the doctor and have them check it for imperfections.

I can't wait to begin feeling refreshed in the morning and possibly to the point I can stay up later and wake up a tad earlier every day. The doctor was actually impressed with how motivated I seemed to be to get and actually use the CPAP machine. Let's hope everything works out for the best!

Sleep Study

Sleep Study

I have been having various doctor appointments lately and 2 were for sleep. I have had many symptoms of having sleep apnea. Memory loss, gastric reflux, Depression, Exhaustion, and dry mouth. I went to a sleep doctor who referred me to a sleep study and a few weeks thereafter went for a sleep study. If you are unaware of what a sleep study entails, It's when you spend the night at a hospital or clinic and they monitor things such as your breathing and heart rate, whether or not you stop breathing in your sleep. Sometimes they end up putting a face mask on.

Well I went for a sleep study last Sunday carried over to early Monday morning. They told me if I stopped breathing they were going to put a CPAP machine mask on me. A CPAP is a machine that pushing air down your breathing passage while the pressure forces your trachea open to stop snoring and keep you breathing. Alas I did in fact need one.

I felt like a million bucks when they woke me up at six in the morning. I was a tad groggy at first but then the feeling was damn near indescribable. I had gone to the lobby for a cup of coffee at their little coffee stand and felt bright eyed and bushy tailed.

Normally 6 am is way too early for me to be getting up but that day I didn't really care to go back to sleep when I finally got home. I stayed awake and folded my laundry while watching a movie and continued to drink coffee I was happy when I got to greet my son and he told me "You need to go away again tonight so i can miss you again" My son can be the sweetest little or biggest stinker of a thing.

I now had to schedule another sleep doctor appointment for the results of the sleep study. To be honest, I hope I can get one of the CPAP machines to improve my sleeping quality. I was actually afraid to go to sleep Monday night because I knew I wouldn't wake up feeling that amazing again.

To Bake Or Not To Bake?

To Bake Or Not To Bake?

Lately I've been obsessed with the urge to bake. I constantly look up recipes online and decided I was going to make Apple Crisp and possibly Corn Pudding for Thanksgiving. I also plan to make chocolate fudge and give some out as Christmas presents this year. I had once gotten into a phase of cooking and I remember cooking banana oat muffins but I ended up eating them all myself.

I really don't know what's gotten into me, I was going to the store with my mom the other day and a light flickered on over my head that I should cook something for Thanksgiving. I love Apple Crisp so I thought that might be fun. I also looked up recipes for Corn Pudding which is another dish I love. They're both rather simple to make too.

Last cooking phase there was an app I was crazy about which was called All Recipes. It's like a cooking and baking version of Pinterest. Users submit their own recipes for other members to try and you find cooking of all levels on there. I printed out some recipes to add to my mini cook notebook and hope to get them all cooked relatively soon. 

I already learned a few things that I somewhat memorized. I realized how easy Biscuits and Gravy really is to make. people seriously just buy the can, stick it on a sheet,bake it and then add the gravy which is ground beef, milk, flour, salt, and pepper. I guess gravy really is just a roux. I also learned how to turn in into a casserole. Will definitely have to make it the next time i'm not on a Vegan diet. I'm cheating come Thanksgiving haha!

Better Life

Better Life

As of late, life has been great. Both of my parents quit drinking, I got praise at work for doing a better job and putting more effort into work. My son has been super sweet and affectionate to me. Things have just been going well.

This weekend my father, mother, son, and I are all going to our vacation mobile home in Port Clinton, Ohio. She asked what special meals we should make there. I didn't really have any ideas that included her since she's a fish eating vegetarian. I threw Mussels and Tuna casserole out there as options. I'm going to take my book along to get some reading done. 

Ever since I confronted my mom about the favoritism in the house and backed it up with facts she's been a bit better at treating us equally for the most part.  Sure there's some problems here and there but isn't that just the way it goes?

I get away with a little more too like if i sleep in to 11 some days even though it's not intentional, i'm just always tired. I've accidentally eaten things people were going to use for something and don't get yelled at for it. I even get away with falling asleep on the couch or just going to my bedroom for a break from people.

My dad lays off me for the most part except for when I complain about my sister. for example, there's 25 programs being recorded on the DVR, Only 4 of those programs are mine yet i'm the one getting yelled at for the TV switching to recorded shows because of too many things recording at once. Need I mention that at those times, it's my recordings that get canceled? I find that very annoying. But that's probably the only thing that isn't all that pleasant in my life.

Self-Worth

Self-Worth

Many tend to have a very low self-esteem. In fact, i'm one of them. Sure I can put on a display of being confident and talk a good game but on the inside I feel worthless. There are so many things I would change about myself. My looks, my weight, reverse some of these scars I've brought on myself because of a scab picking disorder. Some think i'm pretty and others don't.

Many can't get past my weight. I've been called "fat ass" and "cow" by more people than I can even handle most of the time. I play this act like I don't really care but to be completely honest, it hurts. Especially when it's really all you hear. I've come to realize, You're not going to be pretty or sexy to others unless you're pretty and sexy to yourself.

You have to find your own self worth and confidence. Sure I have a bit of a problem with my weight but it could be much worse. Most of it is in my thighs and my chest anyway. I have a gut but oh well. I'm not worthless, My father actually told me he was proud of me yesterday for how much I was doing around the house lately. I got all the laundry washed and folded, Kept up on the dishes, and took good care of my son spending a ton of time with him instead of on my phone the whole time sitting on my ass doing nothing and my son tells me every day that he loves me.

You have to start with little things you take pride in. What are you good at doing? What are some personality traits about yourself that you like? For example: me. I'm pretty funny, i'm easy to get along with, I stick up for what I believe in, I don't tolerate people's bullshit and stick up for others, physically I like my chest and my thighs, I like that I've been losing weight, and I like the color of my eyes. I'm decent at putting on makeup and feel beautiful wearing it. I like that i've found a love in books and I like i'm good at movie trivia. I can list all the movies an actor has been in just by looking at their face.

All those things should make me feel proud of who I am if it weren't that I can't get passed how people call me ugly and put me down because of my weight. Standards these days looking at models are ridiculous and that's the kind of women men appeal to most these days.

To be honest, because of how shallow men are lately I am not even interested in forming romantic relationships with any of them anymore. It's been over a year since i've been in a relationship or even intimate with a man. I'm actually rather fine with it because i'm worth more than how many men have treated me in the past. I'm above the abuse and neglect, the lies and being cheated on. I'm better deserving than that. I've to a point found my self-worth.

I need to think myself beautiful and stop degrading myself with the "They must be right, i'm very fat and ugly" that's not even true. I'm a little overweight, that's not fat, and ugly... no such thing. We're all beautiful in out own way and in somebody's eyes we need to see it through our own.

Happy Friday

Happy Friday

As usual I'm happy today. It's Finally the end of the week and I have stuff I want to do this weekend. My mom isn't in town right now so things have been relatively peaceful. My dad's been enjoying cooking, I have been in charge of my son's discipline, and my sister and I seem to be getting along better for now.

This weekend my goal is to get all the laundry washed, folded, and put upstairs into their owners rooms. My mom isn't home for the next week so I decided to take over that role of keeping up on the laundry. I got a majority of it washed I just need to get it all folded and put on the second floor.

Today and tomorrow will be cool. There's a flea market at the church across the street and i'm going to scavenge their movies, books, and clothing items. I took out 20 dollars specifically for the rummage sale so that should be fun not sure if i'm going today or tomorrow yet but at least i'll have the cash on hand.

Another good thing about this weekend is I can spend some time with my son. The week days I don't get to really take him to the playground because I am usually very tired and never seems to be enough hours in the day to do everything he wants to do. Perhaps I'll take him on a Mommy/Son date this weekend just to get out of the house with my little boy. Maybe a trip to Dewey's Pizza or Wendy's or perhaps a movie or many trips to the playground.

I will also have the time to get some heavy reading done. I'm on a very good book and awaiting some from an online retailer called ThriftBooks Where they have used and new books for pretty damn cheap! As you're most likely well aware, i'm a bookworm and addicted to purchasing books for my collection damn near overflowing the bookcase in my room. Reading is a great pleasure of mine and i'm currently reading a Heather Graham novel titled Wicked Deeds which is the 23rd installment of the Krewe of Hunters series. I started late within' the series and I find it very captivating and I hope to get through the earlier of the series as well.

Last but not least, sleep. How I love being able to sleep in on the weekends I usually wake up at 7:00am but on the weekends I get about a 2 extra hours worth of snoozing. It's really nice but I think anyone who's anyone would say that's their favorite weekend activity, right?

So I will pretty much have my weekend booked! Good thing I have a 3-day weekend I wonder how it will all play out or if i'll get everything I want to do this weekend done.

The eBay Life

The eBay Life

eBay is full of hit or misses. It can be legit or sometimes doesn't look exactly as pictured. You must be very observant with this site to see what is real and what is scams. I've been scammed once or twice even.

I had bought an eye-shadow palette from a seller on eBay and not only did they not send it to me, they deleted their account thinking they wouldn't have to deal with the consequences. They however did, eBay performed excellence in resolving the problem and giving me a full refund which I entent to use for books on a different site.

What is it about online retailers that is so addictive? I find the convenience of shopping while i'm cozy at home or bored at work. I have a bit of an addiction to online shopping specifically Thriftbooks, Amazon, and eBay. I also love to see packages at the door for me on any given day. It's like receiving presents except you know what they are and most of the time when they're coming thanks to tracking numbers.

That's one of the fun things about eBay it's also a little annoying. Some items on eBay don't present you with a tracking number so you have no idea when it will come and by the time it does, you may not remember what was in it! Personally, I hate not knowing where my package is at any given time.

It is however fun to browse eBay and other online retailers for treasures. You never know what goodies they might have that just seem to be calling your name. Doesn't help you save money very well I must admit.

Never Enough Sleep

Never Enough Sleep

I started to realize about a few weeks to a month ago I can never get enough sleep. On the weekends I'll wake up at noon and be ready to sleep a couple hours earlier. On the weekday I used to wake up at 6:30 and now I pushed it to 7:15 which I always end up sleeping to the absolute last second in order to rush to gt ready for work and get out the door. By the time I get home at around 3pm i'm ready to go back to sleep. It doesn't make sense since I don't really do hard labor. I sit at a desk most of the day.

There are two things i'm thinking this could be. Sleep Apnea or Anemia. I had a blood test done Friday so i'm just waiting for the results. I also have a sleep Dr. appointment later this month. Occasionally when I wake up I get the most excruciating headaches that make me feel like crying and going back to sleep so it will go away. Not to mention that my leg pains are returning and i'm starting to feel short of breath and have hurting feet where it and my achy legs make it hard to walk.

I can only hope for the lesser of two evils and the better outcome at this point. I try not to be so pessimistic these days but when you seem to have medical problems popping up like weeds it's hard to think the cup half full. All I can hope is that if i end up in the hospital, i'll be out and feeling better before Halloween so I can still take my son trick-or-treating. This royally sucks at any rate.

Here We Go Again

Here We Go Again

The other day I went to sleep at 10:00 PM, woke up at 12:30 PM, and was ready to go to sleep again by 2:00 PM. I don't believe it was depression because I didn't feel worthless or necessarily sad. Besides another symptom I was noticing was that my legs were starting to hurt again when I stood or walked at all.

Last time this happened I ended up being extremely anemic and had a three or four out of ten level on my blood count. That's extremely low and would make people bedridden. I was taught to suck it up but in the end it ended up being too much for me. I ended up in the hospital for a week while they ran tests to figure out where i was losing blood. They never did find out how it happened and i'm sure they won't this time either.

I just hate how this had to happen around Halloween. I take my son trick-or-treating every year since he was one year old. I loved doing it too. Kinda hard to go a long distance at walking door to door if it's excruciating to walk period. I couldn't go up stairs very well i could barely walk to bus stops for work without searing pain. Hopefully i'll be able to get this straightened out before then.

The thing that really sucks about this is that I may lose time at work. If I have to go to the hospital, i'll have to make up time at work for missed hours otherwise i won't get my money for those hours. It really sucks being on an independent contract here at work. I'm looking to fix that though maybe a new job hopefully at some point. I just hate how my legs feel and how tired I am all the time no matter how much coffee I drink.

A Venting Session

A venting Session

My family seemed to never have been empathetic to my emotions. They never wonder "What's making her cry?" instead they tell me to "stop the act" They never wonder what my thought process is when I'm in my room cutting my arms. They just send me off with EMT to the hospital and hope they keep me for what seems like forever. They never apologize for things they say or when they constantly gang up on me. The amount of verbal abuse I get in that house is ridiculous.

I'm also tired of the god damned favoritism in the house. How my sister is this perfect being and i'm the complete fuck up. I work, I help out around the house, I don't smoke anymore or drink, I don't sit on my ass all day playing on my phone or watching the stupid news. Somehow they're all oblivious to everything I do around there and find my sister completely flawless.

Today on my way to work I had to hold back tears which wasn't working too well. I'm mentally and emotionally shot. I had gotten into a fight with my sister yesterday and my mom had to bring it up this morning when I was in a relatively decent mood and therefor put me on the defense. As I was leaving while I was pissed off I left the door open. My sister called out how i'm a fucking hypocrite and I wanted to walk back and knock some of her teeth out.

My sister is the biggest hypocrite I know. She talks bad about people behind their backs then gets all butthurt when she catches people talking about her, she tells people to quit drinking when she herself is a binge drinker, She's not that great of a mom, her son is spoiled and demanding who expects to get whatever he wants whenever he wants and is only nice to my sister when he's asking for something, so she gets it for him. Otherwise he treats her like a slave. I suppose she needs to lay in the bed she made for herself but she has the nerve to call me a bad mother. As I recall, sure my son can be a little stinker but at least he's nice and affectionate to me and not just because he wants something. and I love him to bits and do what I can when i'm home and try to spend some bonding time with him. I don't just sit on my butt on a different floor from him watching television.

I guess this turned out to be more of a rant and off topic but the lack of empathy is ridiculous. I should just be the same way and not care about anyone. why not right? My sister thinks she can treat me like shit and i'll let her officially adopt my oldest. Boy is she in for a rude awakening.

The Bookworm Life

The Bookworm Life

I have been reading books like crazy lately. I finished one in 5 days then another in four now i'm on another one all back to back. I have no idea what started it. I usually go into phases where i'd love reading and then before you know it I can't bear to pick up another book. So far it's been sticking. Sure I don't read as much as I used to given I have a job but I read whenever I can. I even have my current book in my purse to read on my way home from work since it's small enough to fit there.

What makes you love to read? I love escaping to other worlds. It's better to read than to watch a movie because you learn a larger vocabulary and are forced to use your imagination. I deal with a lot of drama at home so I like to have an escape. It's almost as if I am sick of my life and want to pretend to be someone else for a while so I confide in a novel.

I can read practically anywhere. I like to lay tummy down on my bed with music on and a book in hand with a hot cup of tea nearby or on the couch with a cup of coffee on the coffee table and my book laid out on a pillow. I can even enjoy reading while waiting for the bus to arrive after a day at work.

I prefer paper novels. I occasionally read on my kindle app on my phone but it's just not the same. You can't smell the pages or feel them in your fingers. You have to worry about sun glare or the battery on your device. With paper books all you need is a portable book light and you're ready to go anywhere. My favorite novels are hardcover because you don't have to worry about the covers bending and crease lines.

I have many beloved authors who I enjoy their novels. Isaac Marion, Carolyn Turgeon, Heather Graham, Seth Patrick, Joe Hill, James Swain just to name a few... OK well most of them I guess. The thing is I like to read a vast variety of novels by different writers. I have a thing at discovery to see different writing styles and enter the mind of the author to try to think what they might have been thinking in the process of coming up with the ideas for the books. I also like to broaden the horizon by learning about different authors. 

As you can see from my writer selection I have listed many. I read all of their books but occasionally branch out with novels I buy at the library bookstore. I really like the library bookstore because you can never quite predict what they will have in stock. Or even when they restock the shelves. I own so many books and have only read ten of them so far. I don't know why but I tend to collect books but then go to the library and borrow books to actually read. It's odd I guess to be like that and I know I should read the books I actually have. Oh well, the struggle is real.

Doggy Salon

Doggy Salon

On Sunday I took my fur-baby Pessa to the groomers at PetSmart in South Euclid, Ohio. I was going to make her an appointment a long time ago while she was still just a pup but she didn't have her vaccinations then so I couldn't. I went online to their site and priced it out. Online it said $54 to have it done within' a 3 day notice. So I scheduled it and picked Tatiana from the list of groomers available.

I took Pessa to the salon and I was greeted warmly and with professional etiquette. There was a draw-erase welcome board where they put the names of all the dogs they were servicing that day which I thought was a very nice touch. They were overall very kind and absolutely loved my baby girl.

Pessa was a scruffy mess. Full of mattes and messy looking. While at the store, they told me their game plan and advised me that de-matting would cost an extra $14 per hour. They decided they were going to shave her body and leave some hair on her face and keep her fluffy little tail. To be honest I like her a little hairier but the overall look was adorable. They called me throughout the service to update on how she was doing. It turned out she had fleas so for $27 extra she would get a flea and tick shampooing and a treatment that will keep her flea free for 30 days. I ended up paying exactly $100 for this but she looked absolutely adorable. They even attached two little hair bows on her ears.

I was very pleased with how Tatiana did and was very happy with how Pessa looked in the end. I think I found my permanent groomer, how about you? I personally thought it was an amazing job. Thank you PetSmart!

I Quit

I Quit

For a few years I've been smoking an e-cigarette or I suppose you would call it vaping. I did the math to see how much money I would save if I just quit the habit. It turned out I would save $86.32 a month which is a good amount of money. I could use that money to help pay off my credit accounts. With that discovery, I knew it was time to quit soon. I waited until I was out of current cartridges to quit.

I quit Friday afternoon. Which is when my last cartridge ran out.  During the first couple of days everything was fine. A little impulsive craze here, a slight craving there, but nothing I couldn't take my mind off of. Now, it's going crazy. I'm getting extremely irritable which makes me crabby and kind of mean. Yesterday I complained that no one bought me non-dairy creamer when they had gone out shopping and got everything else. Today it terrible. My hands feel weird because i'm not holding my e-cigarette and I feel like i'm dying with cravings. I'm at work so I have no real way to keep my mind off of it.

I know i'm strong and that I will get through this but nicotine withdrawals suck big time. I kind of knew it was going to be bad but it's the healthier thing to do. I was able to quit real cigarettes and switch to this vape pen so hopefully I can kick the Vape pen habit also. Wish me luck!

Happy Dance

Happy Dance

Do you ever get extremely excited for something to come in the mail? I think we all do. I ordered foundation and it'll be in the mail today. THANK HEAVENS! I have an OCD trait where I have to know where my packages are at all times. When there's no tracking number I get completely anxious about where the package might be at any given moment.

As a shopaholic, I'm always getting packages. Unfortunately on eBay, sometimes there are no tracking numbers if it's shipping from outside the USA. This drives me absolutely mad. That's the main reason why I hesitate about using the Wish app. Not to mention their clothing is not by US standards and never fits. Other things I have bought from them which are not of a fabric nature have been completely fine.

I am absolutely addicted to Online Shopping. some people get bundles packages full of goodies, other people just buy here and there from online retailers. I on the other hand, am always looking for items to buy. Not that I really need them but i'm not gonna lie. I'm a bit of an impulsive spender. It gets really bad when I'm manic from a coffee buzz. I try to relieve my shopping urges by allowing myself four dollars every week to go to the library and scout their good books and movies. How can you pass a deal like that up though? Two books for a dollar, 50 cents per DVD. It's honestly a steal!

Sometimes the budget spending works and other times it fails miserably. I have overdrawn one of my credit cards by $59.00 which I just paid a little towards today. not much, only six dollars but got to start somewhere right? If I can keep from spending on useless items I'll have all my cards paid off by March of next year. Not too bad I suppose, I've spent a lot of money and my tax return are going towards my outstanding amounts which is Dell and my braces payments. or maybe just to my other cards so I can just get those out of the way. We'll see when the time comes.

I'm getting off topic here, forgive my wandering and racing thoughts. I just find packages fun though. who doesn't like getting a box in the mail to feel giddy over their contents? I'm not much for crate bundles or things like Ipsy even though loving makeup as much as I do, I should probably subscribe for their awesome makeup samples. I probably will in the future perhaps regrettably. For now i'll stick to eBay, Montgomery Ward, and Amazon.

Hell, I just bought a couple things on Montgomery Ward which is one of those catalog retail sellers. They offer a credit card specifically for their site. That's pretty much the only card I haven't maxed out. I had to buy new bed-sheets on account of my mom getting paint on mine as well as my son getting nail polish on them. I also bought a 48 count K-cup pack for my Keurig since I'm running low.

My most exciting arrival was probably my Keurig. I used it once as soon as I got everything figured out on it and then took it straight upstairs to my bedroom which I use on the daily. It was my most practical purchase I might admit for I use it constantly every day. I was also excited to receive constant packages containing the Stargate SG-1 series. It came from various sources (eBay and Amazon) but I had gotten the full series plus their spin-offs Atlantis and Universe. This was unfortunately before I found out they had the complete collection on Hulu, OOPS!

I've ordered various things online over the years. Movies, books, makeup, nail polish, toys for my son, my Keurig, clothing items, bed sets, you name it I've probably bought it at some point. I suppose I could almost be categorized as a beginner hoarder. The only thing different about me and a master hoarder is that it hasn't engulfed my bedroom. It's all neatly organized. Sure my bookcase is practically full to the brim with books piled on two rows per shelf but it doesn't look disorganized and just laid out wherever. Who knows what other packages there will be in the future.

Real Life Verses Hollywood Glamour

Real Life Verses Hollywood Glamour

This woman has become an internet sensation for making parodies of ads and overall real life lessons. When you pose the ways models tend to you look mildly ridiculous and somewhat awkward. This just goes to show that real life isn't always that glamorous. Here's a few examples.
Poise verses clumsy: Models are so graceful and extravagant with their outfits and their body language. Though, when you see a normal person strutting their stuff as if they were on a runway walking down the street, you'd think they were a little disturbed. Alas it's always funny to see clumsy people trying to wear heels like the models in photo shoots fall flat on their faces, right?
Sensuality verses awkwardness: Models can pose sexy every chance they get and it seems natural. When we do it however, It can be quite the turn off. When women are a bit heavy set and men don't have a six-pack we think, who are they trying to impress not to mention how weird we can look trying to be sexy period. Some of us don't have that talent what so ever!
Six-pack verses dad-bod: Now what woman doesn't think six-packs are an attractive trait for men to have? Most male models have accomplished this with hard work, females maintain their petite shapes as well. Do you ever see a man with a dad-bod on a Calvin Klein ad? no. That's for their ignorant perception of the perfect man. dad-bods aren't all that bad either honestly.
Celebrity moms verses real moms: You see so man photos of celebrities with their children. They're wearing Armani and Louis Vutton shoes walking their children to school and we think "how classy!" How many real moms do that? We're normally seen in torn jeans and t-shirts maybe a hoodie and a tad of makeup if we're lucky that day. I think we all remember Beyonce nude with her newborn twins yeah? What real mom's bodies are completely perfect after carrying one baby let alone two? Totally unrealistic. I'm covered from arms to buttox with stretch marks and you see these celebrities without one damn line on them. I don't know whether to be jealous or that i'm a proud tiger who earned these stripes.
I guess it isn't easy on models to have a certain requirement due to the industries ridiculous idea of the perfect person. We want it more realistic though. We want women multitasking while holding a baby, a little meat on their bones. how about some bearded dad-bod gentleman holding a can of beer for a underwear ad? Isn't that the society we should be catering to?

Money Goes POOF!

Money Goes POOF!

I am trying so hard to save every penny I have to pay off my credit cards. I worked on my budget today and calculated how much I could pay to credit cards if I quit buying e-cigarette cartridges. I'd save $86.32 a month to be exact. That is enough motivation in itself to quit and use that money to pay off my credit accounts. So far I have Dell, Montgomery Wards, Capital One, and a Chase card all that need to be paid off. I'm even going to Lifetime Fitness today to cancel my membership that's already on hold just to save $11.10 a month. As my dad says, "Easy come easy go" At least i'm now trying to put my priorities straight and get this stuff paid off finally.

With the extra money from quitting my e-cigarette I'd have Capital One paid off in October, Chase paid off in December, and Montgomery Ward paid off in February, which is cutting two months worth of payment each. Then I will focus on getting Dell paid off. I'm also using my tax return to go toward my Braces payments as well as my Dell account. My consensus is that if I can pay over $100 a week on Dell I should get it paid off in a timely fashion as well, but only with my other credit cards paid off. which, with my shopaholic tendencies, is going to be a very difficult thing to do. I already have to use a payment to buy a new makeup foundation.

Money easily disappears doesn't it? I'm sure we all have our own financial responsibilities. I just tend to get myself in a pickle from time to time. The weird thing is, how I always seem to get myself back out of it. I don't know how I manage but it always happens. My brain is very complex sometimes. I just wish I didn't have an addiction to shopping.

Nostalgia

Nostalgia

Yesterday I came across my middle child's ultrasounds I found my youngest's on my old Facebook page. My youngest and myself had throwback moments pouring over baby pictures. I had many of my middle and youngest sons so we swiped through them in Facebook albums and I explained to him that these were the time they were in my belly.

I remember the pictures, My middle son's first Christmas and his first candy cane. Their births and how I cried tears of joy when I held them in my arms for the first time. How my middle son peed on me right after they handed him to me. The pain of going through a completely natural child birth because I was being a stubborn ass and refused all medications as well as an epidural. I had told my mom "I can do this." when she had advised me to accept the pain meds, and I did do it without.

I remember my two children's new born days. Washing bottles, giving baths, taking naps with them and feeding time. After my youngest's birth I lost sleep just because I couldn't stop staring with adoring eyes. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on. Their little hands gripping my finger. the skin-to-skin bonding time. I rarely ever put them in the nursery to get any sleep. I had to have them by my side at all times.

I reminisced over their ultrasounds about how the ultrasound tech said my middle son flipped her the bird and caught it in a picture. You wouldn't believe it wasn't photo shopped except I have the original photo strip. My youngest was a hider he was always flipped backward so you couldn't get a good shot.

The whole time I was looking over pictures it gave me a sense of baby fever. How I miss having a precious newborn around. I didn't know then that my children would be a pain in the ass. They definitely have their own varied personalities. Even from birth they did. My middle son always was easy to keep happy and slept most of the time. While he was awake he just stayed bundled in his swing and looked around. My youngest was a bit more demanding. He cried for attention often and wouldn't leave my side.

It's sad how fast they grow up. In the blink of an eye their already a year or two older. You really have to cherish the moments and I do with taking tons of pictures. One day they're going to be grown men when it seems like just the day before they were born. Time really flies when you have blessed children.

Trust In God

Trust In God

Now I don't really write many posts about my faith. I do like to write controversial posts but forcing my religion on anyone is pretty much where I draw the line. I don't like to categorize myself into anything that really divides us as a society whether it'd be politics or religion. I am more or less a spiritual individual who believes there really is a God. At one point or another we'll need God. When a loved one is having a hard time with their health, you turn to God when in the past you never believed in them. You pray for your children in the NICU when they're premature or slowly reaching death, You pray for your parents on their deathbed, you even pray to win the lottery. A quote from one of my favorite movies called The Prophecy 2. A woman says "it's not that he doesn't talk to you, you know? It's just that you don't listen" Whether or not God personally speaks to us, I do believe God is there.

I have prayed many times in the past and even started praying again now. I pray for my family, I pray for my children, I pray for more pleasant outcomes in life. I don't pray to win the lottery and only twice prayed for selfish gain. I no longer do that. I've learned God seldom answers selfish prayer, that's all granted by chance. However, if it's in a selfless act, God will listen and most times answer your prayers unless he has something different in store for whom your prayers are about. I have prayed that I get my current job. Which I did. and I prayed for God to forgive me for adultery and bring the man I cheated with back to me, He did come back around for a short time. I think it was God's apology for dealing me such a rough hand in life. God's forgiven me of all my trespasses so I found it easy to forgive God as well.

My most recent set of prayers were toward my birth sister. She is struggling with her health and had gotten a sever infection that traveled from her abdomen to her heart which is already weak and she has a pacemaker fitted which she has had since childhood. The first time I visited her she was swollen like Violet Beureguard in Charlie And The Chocolate Factory. She was as pale as a goth wearing white foundation, She couldn't keep her eyes open and was very unresponsive. She also had a breathing tube down her throat because she was no longer breathing on her own. It was terrible to see so I started praying to God for her often.

She had gotten a surgery to reroute the shunt that goes from her brain to her abdomen in through her lung instead. As I prayed to God, the surgery was a success and with a new update from my birth mother who I call Mommy Dearest, My sister is recovering well and the new shunt location is responding very well. She has gotten her color back and is more alert to visitors. The next step is to place a breathing tube into her neck so she will be able to speak if she can fight to do so. I will pray for that as well. God has been listening to my prayers, I know this. I thank God in this difficult time for my family and myself. God may not speak to me directly but I know God is speaking through actions. 

Baby Days

Baby Days

Yesterday was a pretty slow day. I was looking at my scrapbook and found a few blank pages. I decided to add a page to update a bit. The only thing wrong with the page I made is I somehow managed to get my second son Gabriel's birth-date wrong. I put 03/09/09 when it was actually on Friday the 13th in that month. I should have known better because during my stay in the hospital, I joked to the nurses that I should have named him Jason.

Overall though I thought I did a relatively nice job. I did the page on Microsoft Word and tried to scan a picture of me and my first born but the scanner on the printer wasn't working so I had to copy the picture, glue it to the page, and then copy the page again so it was all on one page in order. The first picture was when I was 18 with my first born Julian Connor, the second was when I was 21 with my second born Gabriel Dragan, and the third was when I was 24 with my youngest Tristan Danyael.

I love all three of my boys even though Julian is now in my sister's care and Gabriel is with his father. I do however have my youngest who is a typical pain in the ass five year old. They all are turning out to be amazing little men. They all have their moments though. Julian can be selfish and a bully to his baby brother. Gabriel is greedy and somewhat spoiled, and Tristan is very anger stricken and whiny.

They have their good points too though. Julian can be kind when he wants to be and occasionally gives me a back rub when my muscles hurt and acknowledges  he's my son and will use "like mother like son" references. Gabriel is extremely kind and polite, he loves unconditionally despite the hardships he's been through. Then Tristan is a bit of a charmer. He'll get cuddly with hugs and kisses and will occasionally do manicures and pedicures with me.

I feel horrible that my first and second born aren't in my care. I wasn't ready for Julian and fell into a deep post-partum depression after giving birth. I would not get out of bed for anything let alone take care of my child. I pretty much pawned him off on whoever was there. Most of the time it was my sister and she grew attached. I was in an abusive relationship with Gabriel's father. It made me miserable and extremely depressed so I would stay in bed and neglect my sons. I finally had the nerve to leave eventually but didn't take Gabriel with me. Julian however was gone for a visit with my parents and I told them to keep him there. That will always be my #1 regret in life.

The thing is though, If I were to have Gabriel with me, I may not have ran off with a former High School sweetheart and gotten myself pregnant a third time. Tristan changed me. I try much harder with him and got off my ass to take care of him around the clock. I was mentally more stable and was out of abusive situations. He made my life complete and he's my world. I would be so lost and wouldn't know the point of living was anymore if I ever lost him.

I have hope that all three of them will be good men when they're older and pray that God keeps watching over them through everything and bless them with amazing lives. I hope their days are full of joy and happy memories. They all have went through a lot. Abuse, neglect, a lazy,distant, and mentally ill mother who struggles daily. Perhaps they will learn to not be like their mother and take care of their children the best they can when that time comes.

Burned Out

Burned Out

Today I woke up at around 10 A.M. I was feeling like a zombie because my P.M. meds knocked me the fuck out last night and put me into a dead man's sleep. I made six cups of coffee, then another six to start my morning. I ended up getting a lot done today and am left feeling burned out. If you're not sure what I mean, the definition i'm referring to is a state of physical or mental collapse due to overwork or stress. I'm not really stressed and the collapse wouldn't be of a mental nature.

Today I did the following. Washed laundry, cleaned 2 bathrooms, made my bed, cleaned up he kitchen and did the dishes, straightened out the living room,  got all the laundry washed and folded  my clean laundry and the towels, emptied the trash can, wrote a blog entry I even sewed the seam of two pairs of leggings that had holes in the crotch of them.

I am buzzed off coffee yet exhausted at the same time. I tried to lay down but the coffee wouldn't let me settle down. I watched two movies today and read a chapter of my book. After this entry I may take a shower to make myself feel better and put my clean clothes away. I wish I knew why it is that I get crazy productive on the weekends. My mother, sister, nephew, and son aren't here maybe i'm a little happier, at least I know I am when my mom and sister are out of town.

3 Reasons why I was born In The wrong Decade

3 Reasons Why I Was Born In The Wrong Decade

I always wondered what it would be like to live in other decades. The fashion styles, the movies and the music. Maybe i'm just bored with my present life but there's something about 3 decades that I keep going back to as if my past was a big part of it. for one of these decades it really was. There's so many things from the past I would pull into the present. The mannerisms of men, The music, even some of the clothing styles. It's just not the same anymore. My 3 favorite decades it time are the 50's, 80's and the one I really did grow up in, the 90's. I will explain why I should probably belong in one of these three decades.

Why do I belong in the 50's? Well that's a good question. I always loved Jerry Lewis movies. My favorite is Sailor Beware. I love poodle skirts,pin-up and Elvis Presley. I love diners where they have jukeboxes and colorful posters. It's where the teenagers of the 50's would hang out or date sharing a milkshake. The waitresses racing to cars with their orders wearing skates. I like the idea of the drapes and the squares kind of like the movie Cry Baby starring Johnny Depp. I always wondered how different I would be if I were raised in the 50's. would my morals be better? would I be able to clean and cook and ultimately upkeep on a home while my darling husband worked his tail off in the downtown area? My dad likes to listen to oldies while we're in the car and I actually don't mind. Judy Garland, Nat King Cole, Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. I've always loved their tunes the most. Courting a girl was way different too. The guys would come to your house and pick you up for a date at the park or diner. They'd ask you to go steady which now is equivalent to a promise ring which is a dying event. They showed the utmost respect and were polite. That's a complete change to guys today.

Why do I live in the 80's? The 80's were an awesome time full of color and music. The sense of styles were out of this world. If you've watch Hot Tub Time Machine or Wedding Singer, or Pretty In Pink you'd have an idea. The music was great! Whitney Houston, Madonna, Culture Club. It was very versatile. Great shows aired in the 80's as well such as The Fresh Prince of Bellaire starring Will Smith In Living Color was a good one also. I remember when MTV was actually a music video channel and not airing shows such as The Real World or 16 and Pregnant. Those were the great old days. focused around music, friends, and family and of course making up your own wardrobe for school and not trying to fit in anywhere but be yourself. I was born at the end of that decade in 1988 but my mom still wore pop bottle glasses and my uncle had a mullet.

and why I belong in the 90's. Being born in 1988 I was raised in the 90's and it was a great decade. You didn't see teenage girls dressed up in mini skirts and crop tops. When you were 8 you didn't worry about how you looked because you weren't exposed to anything having to do with fashion and beauty magazines. It was the decades most videogames were introduced but you wouldn't get glued. You'd still play outside until it was time for lunch or when the street lamps turned on. I loved the 90's music as well. Seal, Ace Of Base, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nsync, Backstreet Boys, Christina Alguilera, and best of all, The Spice Girls The music videos back then weren't expressing too much sex until the early 2000's. I love 90's movies in fact I've got a big collection such as Jungle To Jungle, The Santa Clause, Tom and Huck, Practical Magic. The Mask. It was a great time to be a kid.

So with all that said, What decade do you feel you belong in? There's so many great decades out there to call your past life home. A time you feel stuck in and connected with every fiber of your being.

Busy 4 Day Weekend

Busy 4 Day Weekend

This past weekend was extremely busy. Thanks to the Keurig in my bedroom, I had plenty of energy to get things done. Picked up toys, straightened up the kitchen, washed dishes, washed, folded, and put away laundry, organized my room a little and made both of the beds finally, I went through old clothes and I also did a bit of reading.

I did my makeup just about every day which was kind of fun and got dressed all cute. On Sunday I went to see my birth parents and had a nice dinner before going to see my little sister in the ICU. She was a bit more responsive but still not in great shape. It was nice for my birth parents to finally meet their grandson and they loved him and he loved them as well. I enjoyed our time spent as a family and hope to bring my son to see them again. My laptop also took a beating this weekend unfortunately. While refilling my Keurig, some water spilled onto the screen of my laptop and made it go bizerk!

On Monday I got some of my reading done and stayed up late to watch movies and clean up around the bedroom. My mom and I went to the store to buy some things for my son. and ultimately it was a day spent with my son watching The Peanut Gang movies. I barely paid any attention to my phone. Actually, he was on it most of the day come to think of it. I took showers every day which felt real good too. I made a technical support ticket for my laptop so it can be shipped off and repaired. That kind of sucked big time.

Tuesday my dad took me to get my bike but the day wasn't as eventful except for being able to see my son off on his first day of school and getting a nice amount of reading done as well as take things from the first floor up to my room and getting all my laundry folded and put away.

The nice thing about this morning was really my Keurig. I was able to start it up for a nice hot cup of coffee that brewed as I got dressed and ready to start my day. Didn't have to take any time waiting for it. Just stick a k-cup into it and let er' rip! Thing that sucks though is that the lights on my media player are shot so you can't tell if a cd is playing until you hear the music and can't see whether it's on repeat or not. I'm bummed about that because I didn't think to get a warranty on it. Other than that it works pretty well so no reason to trash it and get another just for the lights.

I'd say past weekend was a pretty good one. Now all I have to do is make up my hours this week because I can't afford to not get a full paycheck at any time anymore. blah!

Shopping!

Shopping!

I had to go shopping for a few supplies for myself and my son for school. I gave myself a budget of $75 for everything on my list. I put aside $35 for a new outfit for my son for school. Turned out I had enough for 2 new outfits so I picked out a nice flannel long sleeved button up shirt and a pair of cargo jeans, then i also picked up a teal striped shirt and camo cargo pants. I thought they would make cute full outfits for my son's first week of school. I also had to buy disinfectant wipes and dry erase markers for his school supplies. I had a few personal items on my list as well such as a bike lock and nail polish remover. I was able to afford everything with a bit to spare. I used the extra to pay my gym membership dues.

It was nice my mom helped me pick out matching outfits for him as apposed to being "no don't get that, get this instead" like she normally is. She didn't even go against me wanting to buy him a pair of jeans. I can't wait to see him in his new outfits. The best part was the flannel shirt only costed a buck when it was under the 2 buck display. Not that a buck difference is a big deal but it was a pleasant surprise anyway. The shopping definitely helped me get my mind off some things.

I will have to go shopping for him again in the future. I went through and sorted out all the clothes that don't fit him anymore and now he's in desperate need of pants and shirts. That should be fun. I'll probably go back to Wal-Mart for a full on shopping spree and perhaps even go to Payless to buy him a new pair of shoes. I guess since i'll be using my own money, my mom won't object as much to whatever I want to get him except for showing me what the cheaper options are. Either way I hope I can find him some good buys next time I have extra cash on me.

Yay For Bicycles

Yay For Bicycles

I just received my bike for pick-up yesterday. There was a lot of miscommunication from the store though. My mom had gone to Wal-Mart earlier in the day and said they saw my bike in the back room but didn't think to go check to see if it was ready. When they got home, they told me they saw my bike so I called Wal-Mart. At first they told me it was still in transit. I told them how my family saw it sitting there when they were there earlier in which case I got a "hold on for a minute" Sure enough, it was my bike and they said "yes that's yours and is available for pickup."

I had gotten a call from them last week pertaining to the bike. They had asked if I wanted it assembled which I honestly thought it was default to have a bike assembled for pick-up. So I told them yes. They didn't call me to notify me that it was available. That was a little annoying because if they had I would have asked my mother if she could get it while she was there because she was the alternate pick-up person.

When I had gotten the bike it was extremely dirty. I ran my fingers over it and when I looked at my finger, it was practically black with dirt. There was a little nick in the neck of the bike as well but I didn't worry because it was barely noticeable unless looking at it very closely which I did while waiting for my dad to pick up a few things. The front tire makes a little scraping noise when it rolls. but i'm guessing they either made the breaks too tight or the shield is too close to the tire.

Regardless it's a beautiful bicycle! white wheels, it has a basket, it's 7 speed, has an embroidered with teal on the flat of a tan and brown seat. came with a bell on the handle bars, and also has a little wooden backing for a second passenger or to strap a case/purse to. I love the powder blue color and the retro look of it. Its make is by Schwinn which has been around a very long time and makes quality bikes. My dad said we can store the bike in the house for a while which kind of surprised me. I was going to get my bike lock and lock it to a post in the garage since it was starting to rain.

I can honestly say though, with the confusion of Wal-Mart I will not buy anything else for pickup at the location. too much frustration and confusion due to their lack of knowledge and communication. The only thing nice was that they said "ma'am" to me even though being called "ma'am" makes me feel old. Thanks for the filthy bike Wal-Mart now I need to wipe it down with a rag due to your lack of attention.

Coffee Crazy

Coffee Crazy

I've always been a little coffee addicted. I live off coffee especially on the weekends and thought it would be a good idea to buy a Keurig coffee brewer for my personal use in my bedroom. Boy was that not such a good idea after all. It's now past Midnight and I am wide awake. I had bought k-cups on the internet which arrived today instead of Monday and I had also purchased Non-Dairy Creamer that is in powder form so I wouldn't have to store it in a refrigerator. I think I've had about 6 cups since 8PM this evening and watched a movie and listened to music.

When I saw the coffee maker I fell in love. We have one in our Port Clinton summer home but it's an older model. This one is one of my favorite colors and has a digital touch screen. It came with a sample pack of K-Cups and materials for the upkeep on it which is pretty cool. I knew exactly where to put it, on my desk so it's easy to access while on my laptop.

The problem turned out to be, it's too convenient! I no longer have to go downstairs to brew a pot of coffee. I can have single serves in the comfort of my bedroom so whenever i'm getting a craving I can just start the damn thing. I suppose it's a little weird to have a source of caffeine in the area where you're supposed to settle in for the night and actually sleep. Not to mention drink coffee all night long because you're addiction cravings just won't pass.

Perhaps I need to invest in other types of k-cups. I noticed they have Chai Latte k-cups on the market as well as hot cocoa which I found in my sample pack and drank. it was very delicious! Chai Lattes are a milky savory tea blend and well everyone knows what hot cocoa is. At least they don't have so much caffeine in them. Might be a good investment for work days.

I guess I should just be thankful I don't have to work until Wednesday. Unfortunately I have to be up relatively early tomorrow to get ready for a visit with my birth parents and then go as a family to see my sister in the hospital. I really hope she's doing better. Perhaps since I've just got a lot on my mind, I've been trying not to think about it by using my Keurig constantly. It keeps me up but then I find things to do like write this entry. Perhaps next i'll finally put my laundry away or read a while.

A Time In Need

A Time In Need

With the news of my sister's critical condition my family couldn't be more in a time of need. She is in critical condition and in a induced coma at the hospital. She has a severe infection which traveled from her abdomen to her heart. Her heart is already in fragile condition and is equipped with a pace maker. She has always had physical and mental medical problems that needed to be addressed but I guess her body couldn't handle it anymore.

I've blamed myself for how she came out in a way. I think to myself "If only I were a better and more devoted sister" I think she has a grudge about how we weren't raised together and blamed my adoptive parents on her rough childhood in the foster care system. I think she believes my adoptive parents didn't want her too. On the contrary, they fought to try to keep us together but the foster care agency wouldn't allow it. I'm honestly not quite sure why, but I hate them for it. My sister and I grew apart and I became very distant from her despite all her attempts to contact me. I was lying to myself. I figured I only really had one family and ended up cutting ties with my entire birth family.

Her one biggest wish was that my dad aka step-dad, my mother, she, and I would be a real family again. With this event in wake I've decided to change my ways and devote myself to my birth family. My mother needs me as she grieves thinking she will be losing another daughter. I'm grieving in my own way. I have knots in my throat, feel sick to my stomach but can't seem to manage a tear. I am going to my parent's for the first time in 6 years. to spend some quality time with them and then go see my sister again. I want to repair the damage time has caused. I plan to print out the poem I wrote for her to read it to her as well as make out a card for her.

Even in hard times, good will arise. An aunt (my step-dad's sister) contacted me today and she seems to be the sweetest woman. We chatted on Facebook about my sister and she gave me words of wisdom which I much needed to hear. She invited me to lunch sometime as well as their next family reunion. She had told me she's seen my sister a handful of times and will be praying for her. That anything we need, she'll try her best to help us and to keep her updated on my sister's prognosis. It was really nice that she reached out to me and wants to engage in a familiar relationship as aunt and niece.

I wish I could let my emotions come out. Maybe I figure my mom is at a weak point right now and I need to be strong for her sake. She's been strong for way too long and has dealt with so much. All I can do is plea to God not to take my sister and pray for her health to improve. I pray that my deceased grandmother will be her guardian angel as she fights for her life.

This is such a difficult time for me and I think i'm in a state of shock mixed with an essence of disbelief. If I hadn't seen her for myself last night I wouldn't have let the reality sink in. I feel like a horrible sister that I never tried to talk to her often or even my parents for that matter. I was busy thinking I had all the time in the world to make amends with my family. Unfortunately, God is trying to make other plans. I would give anything to switch places with her just so she wouldn't have to endure so much pain. I might not have been world's #1 sister but I will say that I love my little sister to death! I just wish it were my own and not possibly hers.

Memories With A Sister: A Poem

Memories With A Sister

A Poem

My sister, I'm sorry we didn't grow up together,

Yet a lot of troubles we had to weather.

Rita tried to get you too,

But the agency wouldn't allow it, this is true.

We had many laughs and many tears,

While we grew up separately throughout the years.

I saw you the other day and you were ill,

My heart broke and stayed still.

I think of all the memories we've had,

Our times together weren't too bad.

a sister like you is my ultimate gift,

I'm sorry there was such a rift.

I remember on Christmas mom would buy us both a stocking,

A porcelain doll each and daddy's Nutcrackers kept breaking.

We danced with mom and we both looked silly,

and in those winters we played outside and it got chilly.

I loved you then and I love you now,

You will make it through this illness, somehow.

I'm sorry I wasn't a great sister,

you will always lighten up my day like glister.

You were full of laughs and shared a silly joke,

Even though very seldom we spoke.

I remember us with Grandma we shared her lap,

and our birth father was always full of crap.

We played with magnets and played with dogs,

we even once owned clogs.

Mom and daddy took us to a carnival at a church

we got on rides together where we perch.

She bought us each a butterfly clip,

It was a thing back then but the trend took a dip.

I couldn't bear to lose you Mommy, Daddy, and I love you so much,

You've got to fight it sissy for now you must clutch.
Your biggest wish was that Mom, Daddy, you, and I would be a family,
It will happen soon now for you, finally.