Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Pursuit of Happiness

Pursuit of Happiness

I have had a hard time in the land of love. I am human therefore flawed up the wazoo. I don't know if it may be mental illness related or not but I subconsciously sabatoge my luck and push men away. This entry will be a tell-all about the probabilities of why i'm as single as i'm going to get most likely.

Here's the thing, I've been disappointed and mistreated so much that i'm a bit... ok that's an understatement, i'm down right fucking paranoid and insecure. I constantly worry when a man goes silent when texting. My thoughts run wild about "did i say something wrong?" or "did he lose interest in me?" Now i'm as positive as an HIV diagnosis that i'm not the only one that has this problem but for me it leads to jumping to conclusions and ending up texting him stupid shit which in the end turns him the hell off.

You know, they say (in the words of Rupaul anyway) "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell ya gonna love somebody else?" or the other saying "if you don't love yourself first, who else will be able to love you" now i'm not sure that's how the saying actually goes but in the midst of my ranting and raving here my ass is too lazy to pop open a new tab and just google the damn text.

Carrying on though it's a true statement. I have days where i'm as cocky and confident as the man i'm currently talking to, we'll just call him Colby. Colby is one cocky son of a bitch but what male confidence doesn't appeal to a woman? Other days however I don't feel like waking up, I look in the mirror and body shame myself and put myself down staring at all the imperfections staring back at me.

I like my fair share of male attention but unlike Colby, that one person's attention is good enough if you're on the race track to something serious. for him, any attention seems to light the fire of his ass and ego (go figure). I suppose it's the same for everyone to a degree. I digress it has boosted my ego in the past but that was before I was fat and when I could get any man I wanted, now it's a beggars can't be choosers scenario.

I started talking to Colby rather recently. He's ambitious with a good career, to be living downtown you have to be financially inept right? He doesn't drive but Downtown is just a hop, skip, and a jump away from my home location. He's very confident and charming, funny, and we got along right away. We have similar sense of humor even though his jokes are generally of a sexual nature while i'm sitting on my ass among the sexually retarded crowd. We're cute as well. We already have nicknames for eachother. I started calling him Christopher Robin because I claimed he was crazy. In return he calls me Pooh Bear.

He's in a way my polar opposite. Very sexual when i'm not, very goal oriented and ambitious, i'm not, athletic, me not so much, generally attractive, I wouldn't say I am exactly, He likes hip-hop and rap, i'll pass unless it's some good old fashioned Eminem or Bone Thugs In Harmony, He's successful being a partner in a financial firm in the Downtown area while i'm stuck as a part-time independent contractor in a dead end gig. As they tend to excuse for this to maybe go somewhere, "opposites attract" I wouldn't know if they really do or not.

Colby is the 3rd guy whom i've hit it off with. The last two just stopped talking to me out of the blue and my conclusion is something better came along or they were just playing a game with me in the end. I can openly admit I wear my heart on my sleeve and I hate it. That's probably another reason I scare guys away. Not to mention I attach and detach very quickly. I give my all to those whom tend to change their minds. If i'm feeling a certain way at that moment, I tend to share it with them and perhaps it's overwhelming. Mainly because I have Bipolar and can feel about 10 emotions at the same damn time. It seriously switches itself up every five or so minutes.

The ending to the story overall is I hate telling my best friend "I have a good feeling about this one" and gushing when it ends days later and I end up alone again. Even though Colby seems to accept most of my baggage so far, he's really busy and i'm not sure if/when a date will even occur. and jumping to conclusions once more as i've seemed to master that downfall of a talent, We'll probably end up text buddies or some shit like that. Always the good friend never the girlfriend.