Christmas Blues

Christmas Blues

How was your Christmas? Honestly, mine was a disaster. My sister was being a selfish drunk ass on Christmas Eve and Christmas day, my parents had both been drinking the whole two days as well but they can hold their alcohol a little better than my sister can. So because of my sister's drinking she mainly laid around and was being a bitch. My mom was very snappy at me getting mad at me for every little thing I said. I decided i'm no longer going to talk to her since everything I say gets twisted around anyway and leaves me very frustrated.

another horrible thing is the kids came over which was more teenage testosterone than I could handle. The fucked up thing about that is their mother had the audacity to not even show up because sleeping was more important than thanking my parents for the $50 dollar visa cards they purchased for each of her five fucking kids. None which show any gratitude thanks to this woman's lack of effective parenting.

The night ended with me disappearing up the stairs to my bedroom with my dog at 6:30 PM and staying up there the rest of the night because I was tired of my sister's lazy drunk ass and my mom's snapping at me for everything like a fucking crocodile. She got mad at me for telling her I was gonna pick up a little and for offering to put an uncooked pie away. like who the fuck gets mad at someone offering to help? I'm now done talking to my mother as I have previously said and I'm way done talking to my sister.

What I find almost funny about both of my parents being alcoholics is that my dad would exchange concerns with my mother about her health from drinking when he too drinks all damn day long and was adviced by doctors not to for his health. Despite sharing my concerns being a recovering alcoholic myself. (October 28th, 2018) I'm rather tired of their excuses. "We'll quit after the holidays" which I don't believe for a second. All they do is make up excuses to drink again. stressed about this or that. but I shouldn't drink because I have nothing to be stressed about. Like hello do you ever thing how you act towards me isn't stressful? You don't see me picking up a bottle at every turn of an imaginary stress.

I craved beer like crazy this holiday but I fought the craving. it's too bad when you live with a bunch of weak people. I hope things look up for me soon. This lack of being able to escape to work every day is going to kill my spirit. plans are get my son off to school every morning and then hide out in my bedroom until it's time to pick him up. then ignore my family. it's not like they're gonna quit drinking. I swear it's going to literally be the death of them. I'll be happy when the season is finally over and just be done with this bullshit

Holiday Hopes

Holiday Hopes

With the Winter holidays coming up I'm anxious to say the least. Thanksgiving was horrible and I stayed in my room because I can't stand the family who came over. Hopefully Christmas and New Years go much better.

I really hope my son likes his Christmas gifts. I got him 4 things from his list. I even got him a Back To The Future III hoodie because that's his all-time favorite movie. Luckily that one should arrive on Christmas Eve just in time to be wrapped and put under the tree.

I was nice and bought my mom and aunt presents this year. My Aunt is a dog lover and had heard about A Dog's Purpose so I bought her the box set of the two novels in the series. I'm anxious to see if she likes them. For my mom, I bought her a pair of pajamas that feel cozy.

I'm looking forward for the year to be over honestly. It hasn't really been my day, week, month, or even my year for the matter. I lost weight, gained it back, got laid off, got emotionally hurt, got into fights with my family. I pray God takes the wheel this coming year and starting over.

Getting Back In The Habit

Getting Back In The Habit

I have been slacking terribly at my fitness routine and keeping healthy. It's been months since i've properly exercised aside from occasional walks while on break at work. I have to find the motivation to get my lazy ass on the bike or use my videos that actually kick my ass. They've been collecting cobwebs in my bedroom.

I guess it can be a New Year's resolution but shitty part is who makes one and keeps to it? I've gained all but 3 lbs back of the weight I lost. It's rather depressing. Maybe I'll watch workout videos and force myself to get up and move. Even if it's for 30 minutes a day and work up to like an hour of exercise. What would be really nice is if I could get addicted to working out. I had previously for a short time but turned out to be a manic episode. Very short-lived. 😒

What are your suggestions for a 274 pound woman to get back in shape? I already know portion control (which I have been trying more) and eating healthy. What else? Exercise is a given but what should I begin with? Would meditating and Yoga help? S.O.S What kind of food should I eat more often that might help burn fat? I have a Fitbit but it doesn't motivate me much which is a complete bummer.

I guess it's all about determination and baby steps. Soon I'll have plenty of time on my hands so I can start getting into a routine. 🙏

A Republican Geared Venting

A Republican Geared Venting

I had a friend that completely pissed me off when it came to her political stances. Normally i'm not against Republicans and no i'm not saying they're all the same but in Trump World people are becoming absolutely ridiculous. They are very immature and say and do cruel things. The one thing that made me comment "spoken like a true Republican" is that she had the 'i'm right, you're wrong' attitude.

There is controversy over the 1949 Christmas/Winter classic titled 'Baby It's Cold Outside'. Some say it's against the 'Me Too' movement, other's say it's older and shouldn't be taken so literally. I told my "friend" that I can see both points of view. she offended me by telling me i'm wrong that there aren't two sides of the spectrum. Now I don't normally talk about politics with Republicans because it rarely ends well and oftentimes ruins friendships. The 'my thinking is the only right thinking' mentality pissed me off. It seems to be a trait among Trump supporters I've come to notice.

I see both sentiments on many things and can solve arguments most of the time because of it. I have a 'both points are valid points' attitude. This is why i'm neither Democrat nor Republican and I believe in God but don't practice any one religion or rarely disclose my faiths, or watch nationwide news, I prefer local news personally. First of all, I don't like to associate myself with anything that divides us as a people and a country. and secondly, I have some values of the Republican Party and some views of the Democratic Party. That is just who I am. But to tell me my views aren't valid triggers me as I suppose would trigger anyone and make them rather defensive in a situation.

I'm sure she called me a sensitive "snowflake" whatever the hell that means i'm still not sure. I personally think it's a stupid reference. We only communicated on Facebook and I stopped notifications associated with her posts and unfollowed her on social media. I suppose you'd say that was the "straw that broke the camel's back" for me.

Not to insinuate that all Republicans are bad, most of my biological family are Republican and they are like me, they don't start political debates. Sure they post political crap on their Facebook timelines, but I figure, their timeline their right. I can't tell them not to post. I'm also guilty of posting political memes but they're mainly Trump mocking pictures because of how idiotic he is. How any man or woman could vote for him is beyond me. He's immature, inhumane, incompetent, racist, sexist, etc. The list goes on damn near forever.

If you are a Republican and have the "only my ideals matter" fuck you! If you're a Republican who sees two sides to every story, Let's talk about the weather shall we? I don't mind having Republican friends as long as you don't say stupid shit like she did. RANT OVER.

Getting Closer

Getting Closer

As I mentioned in my last post, i'm getting laid off from work. At first reality sunk in "how will I pay my bills?" but now that I think about it, It will be nice. To keep from becoming completely depressed i'm considering this lay off as a vacation of sorts. I no longer have to wake up at 7:00 A.M which will be nice. I'll be able to see my son off to school every morning and go back to bed after for a while if I so choose. I won't have to change out of my jammies and go out into the bitter cold weather. although I still wonder how i'll be able to pay my bills; i'm putting my faith in God that it'll all fall into place and he/she will have my back.

Another thing effected by time for me is that my job is for an organization that provides services to disabled and elderly. I'm not old which is a given but I do have my mental illnesses such as Bi-Polar type 2, depression, Generalized Anxiety and ADHD which does make it hard for me to even pass interviews for jobs. I did my intake for services yesterday Dec. 5th and my boss said as soon as I get a couple sheets of paper to my psychiatrist, she'll expedite my case to start immediately in what they call eligibility. This will be to help me find another job. They say I should be easily place-able so I have faith that it's true.

I really don't have anymore worries about not having a job. Things will fall into place as they should. They also gave me a plan B job offer which makes between $9.75 - $10.50 per hour but is full time and includes benefits. the only problem with that job is that it's in the evenings from 3:00 P.M. - 11:00 P.M which is a bit of a bummer. It's really the only reason why i'm not sure if I just accept the job offer. What would you do? At any rate, I am applying for other positions I find online so wish me good luck!

New Chapter

New Chapter

It is time for me to start a new chapter in my life. Two days ago I found out they're terminating my position at work. I'm not being fired; i'm being laid off and they won't be refilling my permission. I was getting paid with a grant and they no longer needed me and cut funding for my permission.

When my boss pulled me aside and told me my last day will be December 28th I wasn't as Devastated as I thought i'd be. We agreed that it just may be a blessing in disguise. It is. I've been wanting to leave this job for a while. I don't like the organization's mindset, I don't like that I can't work full-time, or that I don't get benefits or holiday/vacation pay. The only good thing about working here are most of the people I directly work with. They have been kind, supportive, patient. I won't find a better group of people to surround myself with.

My boss gave me a couple options. 1. I could go through the employment agency with them to find me other employment that I would be better suited for and more utilized with my skills. Option 2. Her supervisor gave me a job offer as a DSP (Direct Support Professional) Pretty much I would work in a group home attending to the people who live there. The problem with that position is it's from 3:00 pm- 11:00 pm so I would not see my son much. They are willing to accommodate that i'm unable to drive and assign me to a home on a bus-line though which  suppose is nice.

I am at a loss. I might be forced to take that position on account of having bills that I need to pay. I don't think it's a very good fit for me though. I am pretty shy around people I don't know, besides I don't know all the details of the job yet.

My mother says I should try the agency route for a while and if it doesn't pan out then accept the job offer. That's probably what I'm going to do. She also said that if i'm not eligible for unemployment she will help pay a few of my bills. I'd really be lost without her.

Hopefully I will attain employment again soon. This will be a step into greater things. I'm actually considering it a nice long vacation. At least until February when my payments are due -gulp-

Tired

Tired

I have decided i'm just tired. Do I mean sleepy? no. I'm tired with my life. Not to the point that i'm suicidal but i'm to the point that if the grim reaper came for me, I most likely wouldn't put up a fight. My life is nothing but a routine and I feel so alone. I even started pushing guys away that might show any interest because I just feel so helpless and uninterested.

My life is a routine. It lacks any change or excitement. I wake up every tuesday - Friday and I get dressed, let my dog out, make a cup of coffee, leave for work, do nothing at work, come home and deal with my at times cruel bitch of a sister. Go to bed, wake up, and repeat all over again. I don't go out much and I have to deal with my family and their alcoholic ways. I'm also tired of that.

I never get to see my best friends. One lives in Kent and doesn't drive. Lately she's never there for me either because all she does is work and sleep so in my depression i've distanced myself from her. My other best friend is always working and lives farther away. He drives but we've never had time to just get together and hang out. That's my whopping number of real friends. None of my other so-called friends ever talk to me. Hell they don't even respond to my social media posts. I suppose a big F-You is in order.

I don't have a love life. I tend to attract assholes, Nice guys can't even bother with me. I'm to the point where I have no interest in male companionship or finding "the one" because let's be honest here, he doesn't exist! So I procrastinate meeting up with any more guys and have little interest in having any form of relationship. I uninstalled all my dating apps from my phone and am tired of guys' main interest being of a sexual nature no matter how much I tell them they have to be patient with me. It's not good enough for them so I give up.

I am rarely loved by my son. He never wants to sleep in my room with me it's only grandpa. He's always mad at me and I never do anything right by him or up to my parents' standards. I suppose i'm the epic fail of the family. This may be in my head. Occasionally my son will tell me he loves me but it seems to only be when he's getting his way. otherwise he can be kind of abusive to me. I sometimes wonder if I deserve the abuse. I also wonder how I'm failing so epically as a parent which in itself makes me depressed.

I never go out except to and from work. No one invites me out with them but that's because in the end I have no friends. No one's available when I try to invite them out either so I gave up trying. Funny how they come out of the wood work though when they want to borrow $20 right? When I can afford to, I do therapeutic shopping. I've gone to Tower City which is our downtown mall and shopped and stopped by the casino. It never fills the void though.

I am stuck in a dead end position at work. I'm stuck working part time, on an independent contract, no benefits of any kind, no employment wide recognition for my work. The worst thing is, it's not that I haven't been looking for a different job but I never get interviews and even when I do soon after comes the rejection letters. People say "get a new job" when I complain about work. Neither is that very supportive nor easy to accomplish for someone like me. Like me being someone who is awkward during interviews thanks to perhaps my ADHD.

I am just over living and completely unsatisfied with my life. So helpless and at a loss of self-worth. I just wish God would call me home already. Even writing this all I can think is people saying "well change it" like me getting a new job, it's hard to do.

Amazing Mom

Amazing Mom

In the past I've complained a great deal about my mom. probably to an ungrateful bitch-like degree. The truth is she's actually pretty amazing. Sure she's got habits that drive me crazy and she is perfectly flawed as are any human beings. She has always been there when I needed her. To bail me out of sticky situations, to help me raise my son, financial turbulence, and making deals but that's mainly because she knows i'm good for it. This post is to explain, maybe in a bragging type way (sorry if it's snobbish) about how cool my mother really is.

In 2011 I reunited with my High School Sweetheart. We ran off to Arizona together which was a big mistake. Some time came and he started completely neglecting me to go hang out with a female friend. He never really spent time with me because there were other things he'd rather be doing. He destroyed my cell phone and my laptop during fights and was very immature and violent. No he never hit me but I was mentally and emotionally drained. I found out I was pregnant with my now six year old boy. My mother had sent me some money for food. The bastard ate most of my food damn well knowing I was pregnant. I finally got sick of his shit and left him. I begged my mother to go home and she paid for a bus ticket for me to leave. Thank you mom!

My mom don't see eye to eye most of the time when it comes to my son who has severe ADHD as well as Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Many times there is miscommunication and when I say "no" she says "yes" and often undermines my authority with him. Or tells me he's doing something regarding him instead of asking. She pretty much tries to take over constantly. The thing is, I'd be lost without her. She and my father give us a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, and clothes on our backs. She pays the bills with her and my father's retirement money so that while we spar over my son's upbringing, we can all live comfortably. Or as comfortably as we can get with three mothers in the household.

Often, I run into financial issues. messed up on my budget and couldn't afford all my bills because I thought I had more money than I did. Or the bank once royally fucked me. I over drew a dollar and they charged me over $200 in overdraft fees in a day. Guess what though? My mom leant me the money to stop the charges. Luckily though I complained to the bank the next day and they dropped the fees so I was able to return the money to my mom rather quickly. She's helped me on various overdraw accidents other times as well. Since then I have been better watching my spending.

My mom is awesome to make deals with. We went 50/50 on a bike for Christmas last year. It was her idea because she did the same with my sister. I also asked her if we could do a deal that I'd give her a down payment if she let me use a credit card on a Tablet and a couple accessories. Just so I could get it sooner than the end of the month. She agreed, and now I have an awesome new tablet. I already put it in my budget to pay her back at the end of the month. Thank goodness i'm reliable when I owe people money. It's to the point I worry and obsess constantly about it.

The moral of the story is: Your mother never stops looking out for you. When you're a baby, she cares for you, when you're a rebellious teenager, she still tries to have your best interest at heart. Even though you may not see it that way at the time. As an adult you realize her time is rapidly drawing closer and closer to an end and you begin to reflect on your life with her. You start to appreciate her regardless of the disagreements you have. I'm certain even in death she will be watching over you. Never take your mother for granted. Thank You Mom!

Something's Fishy

Something's Fishy

I have been eating fish a lot lately. Sure that doesn't sound like a big deal but hear me out. I have hated fish for practically my whole life. Well, minus the occasional fish stick lunch in kindergarten. Even then I wasn't really a fan. Then my adult days come and I start trying more seafood. Shrimp, Crab legs. I however couldn't bring myself to try fish. That was, until I was 29 and at a work department dinner for the holidays. They ordered fried Calamari. I have no idea but it smelled amazing and I took a nibble. I liked it and ended up eating damn near the whole plate alone.

The coworker sitting next to me ordered wood smoked salmon. It smelled good and she is all for others trying something new. She gave me a bite sized piece of her Salmon and it was so good! I had it again on a dinner date with my mom that was apart of a trio. Shrimp, Lobster Tail (which I never had before) and the salmon.

The next fish I tried was Perch. My mom, brother, son, and I went to our vacation home and she made it. I was reluctant to try it but I did anyway. It was also delicious! The texture took a little getting used to but it was literally melt in your mouth. The seasoned breading was amazing too.

Yesterday I finally had gotten my bottom braces on so i've been trying to think of gentle foods to eat. That is where I came up with the combo up top. Mashed Taters, Mac N' Cheese, and Fried Cod. I made the mistake of getting two fillets because by the time I finished one and both my sides, I was stuffed. Ended up wasting half of the other.

My point is, how funny it is that your tastes change as you age. I went from never going to try it, to eating it when I feel like trying something new. I'm actually turning into a seafood lover and it's no longer limited to shellfish. What have you eaten that you didn't, in your wildest dreams, think you'd ever like? oh c'mon, I know there's something!

Cooking Frenzy

Cooking Frenzy

Lately i've been really in the mood to cook. It's weird because I used to not like cooking at all! Really had zero interest in it. That seems to have changed.  I'd have to say it's a good thing though because it's a rather good feeling when people actually like your cooking. The problem is, I don't know whether or not my family actually likes my cooking or they're lying to make me feel better.

The first thing I made was a roasted red pepper, broccoli, and feta cheese quiche. I thought honestly it was really good. I did it to the recipe and didn't go out and change things up. I don't trust myself doing that haha! The nice thing is except from a little advice from my sister that I needed, I did all the prepping by myself. I was pleased with the outcome anyway which is really what matters.

A few days later, I was craving French Toast so I looked up the recipe to see how difficult it might be to cook. It was an easy-peazy recipe. All it called for was Eggs, Nutmeg, Cinnamon, and of course the Bread. so I made half a loaf for dinner and that was delicious too. Also did that on my own.

This weekend I will be the head lady of the house. My mother, sister, and nephew are all going to Port Clinton for a mini vacation. It will just be my dad, brother, son, and I at home. My brother is a vegetarian but my father and I love meat. I decided that i'm going to cook us some Herb Crusted Stuffed Chicken for dinner. Its difficulty is a little more of a challenge but I think i'm ready. all it is is following directions and using your instinct anyway right?

I hope it comes out as good as my other meals!

Ghostly Ability: UPDATE

Ghostly Ability

UPDATE

In my last post I indicated how at one point in time I was what they called a sensitive. I was slightly connected to the spirit dimension and could often feel the presence of spirits as well as hear and see them. It sounds like a lot of ka-ka but it's the truth. I would experience a lot of paranormal occurrences from seeing silhouettes to being attacked by evil entities. With the good always comes the bad. You really can't have one without the other.

The ability became overwhelming so I willed it away by ignoring the events and voices over a lengthy period of time. I forgot how helpful the spirits were and took the good ones for granted. You'd think that a silly notion, "Appreciate dead people?" It's like anyone else though, easy to be underappreciated and taken advantage of at any given time. Many think i've lost my marbles because of this ability, that's because they don't have it therefor don't understand what it's like.

As per my last entry. I had discovered that you can meditate and will your ability back and that was just what I did. I bought a clear-white Quartz Crystal for protection against evil entities that called out to me. I blessed it by clearing my mind and imagining evil and darkness out of it. It really isn't that difficult to do if you will it away and meditate on it. You have to believe it will work though.

My Necklace

So after blessing my necklace I put it on and started willing my ability back through meditation as suggested by a fellow woman of magic. I spent between five - ten minutes chanting "I will myself the ability to communicate with spirits" repetitively. I also repeated "I want to see spirits". Later that day I would constantly get cold chills which would mean one of two things. 1. I'm just cold at any given time. or 2. it also means their are spirits nearby. My hairs on my arms would stand on end and I would get goosebumps. When you are as familiar with the paranormal as I am, it's rather easy to decipher between the two.

Two days later I took the time to meditate on it again. Same chant phrases used. The second time after the chants I begun hearing them again. I didn't hear them speak to me directly but I was outside reading and heard twigs breaking and rustling like someone was there but when I looked there weren't any people or animals, I was all alone in the backyard side garden.

Cool things started to happen. I was showering in my parents' bathroom. The ceiling lights don't work, or so I thought. I flipped the switch over and over to no avail. I gave up, flipped on the vanity light and proceeded to shower. Midway through the ceiling lights flickered on by themselves. I thanked the spirit who did it. The next day, which would be now, I was on facebook. I got pms from 3 people in regards to a picture that was sent to them of my son and I sticking our tongues out at the camera, I thought it a little odd but assumed they were in response to a 'story' post. I later checked my story section and there were no posts.

I decided to check my phone. When I put it face down on the desk 30 minutes prior it was at the home screen. When I picked it up, it was at the multiple contact screen of facebook. That couldn't have been opened on accident because 1. it takes a few swipes and taps to get to that screen from the home screen and 2. I wasn't even holding my phone, it was face down on the desk a foot away from my arm reach.

The only logical explanation was that a spirit was controlling my phone. Since they chose a picture of my baby boy and I, It leads me to believe it was the spirit of a loved one who passed. Out of the people i've known in my life, three biological grandparents passed, a baby sister, and an adoptive grandparent. Makes me think someone wanted to show us off. Why they picked the three people they chose to send it to is a mystery to me. 

It's exciting to know that my ability is reawakening. I just hope that with this crystal necklace I won't have to worry about negative energy

Ghostly Ability

Ghostly Ability

When I was younger I was gifted with the ability to see, feel, and hear spirits. I've seen many from my birth grandmother who passed away when I was ten to shadow forms which are silhouettes of negative energy. It's close to something out of Ghost Whisperer in a way. I would help spirits move on and occasionally need to tell them to leave my children alone.

After my youngest was born I willed the ability away. That is a regret because all of my children were gifted with the same ability. When my oldest Julian was two years old he claimed he would see a man go into the wall. My youngest would be afraid of certain areas of the house where he would claim there to be "monsters".

I haven't seen or felt a spirit in years and as I said, that is a big regret. I can't help my children hone the ability and it rather sucks feeling alone when you really aren't. Consider it an adventure, you never know who will stop by and visit. For all I know many loved ones could have come to me and I missed out because I willed the ability away.

I didn't know if there was a way to get the ability back until a young woman said you can by meditating and willing it back. She also recommended getting Clear Quartz Crystals to protect from negative energy. That would be a great idea because I have dealt with some very pesky spirits. I'd also like to keep my son safe while trying to teach him how to use this ability, if he still possesses it that is.

Wish me luck on this spiritual journey into getting this awesome ability back!

How To Avoid A Child Abduction

How To Avoid A Child Abduction

I see articles about child abduction cases constantly. You'd think this advice is common sense but with all the reportings parents can be extremely stupid obviously. As a mother of a handsome dirty blond ocean blue eyed six year old. I am very protective, almost overly so because children like him are a common desired target by abductors. My family jokes that if he were really kidnapped the kidnapper will have enough within 30 minutes and pay us to take him back. The truth is as difficult as he can be he's still the "perfect specimen". I digress, any child can fall victim to this tragedy. Here's a little advice from one parent to another. Hopefully this info will be heeded and will one day save a life.

Rule 1: It is always important to have the don't talk to strangers talk. I suggest you have the talk when they are between four and five years old. Sometimes you have to instill a scary scenario into your child. My son has ADHD so I gave him the talk when he was five. I had seen him go near a complete stranger who had a dog on a leash. Right then and there I knew it was talk time. I had asked him if he loved mommy, grandma, grandpa etc. (all the above lives in the same home) Then I had explained that talking to strangers is a bad thing. that one day someone might have a dog, or offer him candy and he'd be taken and never get to see mommy, grandma, and grandpa again. and that the person who takes him might hurt him and to come and get me before talking to anyone he doesn't know.

It sunk in with him because ever since, he has asked me "mommy can I go pet that puppy?" when he sees a person with a dog come into the park. He also avoids conversations with people who talk to him that I have not spoken with before, or clings to my side and shows hesitation when my acquaintances talk to him. One time I was having a conversation with a new acquaintance and he tugged on my shirt and told me I shouldn't talk to strangers. That warmed my heart. It's a nerve wrecking talk but it's mandatory.

Rule 2: You'd think this would be a "duh" but it needs to be said. Never let your child play in the front yard alone. Even if you are in the house and watching from the window, it's a terrible idea. First of all, predators get full view of your child from their cars as they drive by. secondly, do you really think you can get outside faster than it takes for the kidnapper to make a move and escape in their vehicle? think again. Just don't do it. If you let them play outside alone make sure it's in a fenced in back yard and keep an eye on them at all times.

I let my son play outside in the backyard on his own. I check in with him every 15-30 minutes by going outside to see what he's up to. The rest of the time i'm watching him from the breakfast nook window where I can see the whole yard. Kidnappers aren't usually ballsy enough to leave their cars to pick up a child from a fenced in area where they barely see them.

Rule 3: If you're at the playground with your child stay off your fucking phone! I can not tell you how many videos i've seen of a man walking up to a child and leading them away without the parent noticing because they were looking at their cellphone while parked on a bench like an idiot. This also goes with don't turn your back on your child. This is how most of the incidents occur. "I only turned away for a couple minutes!" is a common line used by the adult whose child had been taken. It only takes 30 seconds to kidnap a child from under your nose. Only 30 fucking seconds, do the math.

Rule 4: Never think "It'll never happen to me" No one is immune to this event. Doesn't matter what kind of neighborhood you live in, anyone can fall victim so be prepared and keep the scenario in mind any time you are with your child and when your child is outdoors. Many people seem to have that mindset before tragedy strikes and it's sad especially when common sense could have avoided the situation in the first place.

Be prepared at all times. Children are precious and a gift from God even if they drive you crazy. You never know what exactly you had until it's gone.

Done Procrastinating

Done Procrastinating

I have been married 10 freaking years. We've actually been separated for all but 2 or so of them. I was stupid and thought I was in love. The truth is, married him for all the wrong reasons (it was a shotgun wedding) now I wish he'd drive off a fucking cliff. This whole time i've been hoping he would file for divorce. Why wouldn't he since he's been engaged twice since our separation.

The obvious notion here is that he is using our marriage to control his new woman "if you don't do this I won't file for divorce" not to mention, since now i'm finally taking the initiative to get this shit done, it's going to cost $500 to file if you don't know where the other party is. Bullshit right? UGH! 

The good news is they may or may not be able to fix the issue regarding my youngest son Tristan. Since I was married to dumbass when I gave birth, he needed to be on the birth certificate or they would refuse to issue me a copy. in the words of Maury, "You are not the father" now before you judge, we both had a baby with other people. In fact his youngest is only 1 fucking day older than mine! I guess it's fate or a crazy coincidence but as it were, i'm not the only sinner in this fucked up fairytale. So hopefully he will have his rights revoked and I will finally be able to change my youngest's last name from drvodelfuck (not his real last name but close) to my maiden last name. Which will mean happy faces and drinks all around.

The sad thing about all this is i'm too got-damned broke to fight for my other son G-Baby. I'm going to try to at least get joint custody or even visitation will suffice. I feel guilty and regretful on the daily about how things ended up with him. At the same time, if they hadn't ended up as they did, I most likely wouldn't even have birthed my little one who changed my life for the greater good, Thank Jesus.

Another reason why i'm lighting a fire under my own ass to get it over with is because i'm seeing someone and have a feeling it's going to end with perhaps a Happily Ever After? nah, but maybe something close to it. I was in a different relationship once and I think it went sour because I never took the initiative to divorce dumbass. History tends to repeat itself and i'm not trying to lose another good thing. Either way, baby steps.

I got the guts to take the first step and called the Domestic Relations Court in my county and explain my dilemma. They were very helpful except when they dropped the price atomic bomb on my ass. $500 buckaroos to 1. pay court costs and 2. pretty much reimburse them for their tactics of trying to locate dumbass. They put an ad in the paper and give him 28 days to respond to the court. That won't be hard to avoid because all I know about his current location is that it is not in Ohio. Don't have to worry about a response.

I've never been divorced before and I never been to court except for truancy when I was about 15 or 16 and that bullshit got expunged anyway. I want to finally let go of the past shit and move on with my life as my own person and not an estranged worthless wife to an abusive controlling and narcissistic prick. So as soon as tax return time comes i'm filing. That's all there is, there isn't any more.

A Cheat To A Change

A Cheat To A Change

Labor Day weekend came around, as it does every year. I tried my best to be a good Vegan but then I ordered Chipotle for my father, brother, and I. I figured i'd have 1 cheat day so I went all out on my burrito. Sour cream, cheese, chicken, queso, none of it vegan and that was on my burrito and lots of it! Once that burrito touched my lips I was cursed with the craving for meat.

The next day I figured, we're going to a party and there's probably going to be mainly meat there so I will start up my diet again tomorrow, the next day it was the same thing, i'll start it up again tomorrow. Before I knew it my diet was just out of the fucking window, What, i'm only human.

Ironically enough though, as soon as I kick my diet to the curb my mother tells me everyone in the family is forced into the Induction Phase of The Atkins Diet. Pretty much it's going back vegan. Ain't that a bitch? I suppose it'll be good for me though.

Another unfortunate change was I am now drinking again. Just beer after beer. I'm staying clear of harder beverages on account of being so drunk once I passed out on the bathroom floor while getting ready to take a shower. I had a bottle of wine followed by a spheric bottle of Captain Morgan during that day. Woke up the following morning to nothing but guilt and a killer hangover. That day I vowed to no more hard drinks. As for my diet, i'll survive i suppose.

The Vegan Life of Me, Myself, & I

The Vegan Life of Me, Myself, & I

In June I had been reading a book called "Skinny Bitch" It was a no bullshit book about eating habits and there was a chapter that went into graphic detail about how animals are treated at slaughterhouses. I decided right then and there I was done eating animal products. This includes all meat, eggs, seafood, milk, honey, and any food that says "may contain ___".

I was on a vacation with my son when I finished this no nonsense novel. I started these changes by drinking my coffee black. even though there was a gallon of milk sitting in my friend's fridge. My son doesn't drink milk either. Surprisingly enough, that was a change that was easy to adapt to.

The next day I quit meat, eggs, etc cold turkey. I would get phantom cravings of meat such as kielbasa but I could get myself to eat something else. I eat a lot of veggies and fruits. Tofu is one of my new favorite foods as well. I eat a lot of pasta and I can finish my son's peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Cheap bread isn't made with eggs and peanut butter is just pureed peanuts. They also have alternative foods to dairy and meat. I drink Almond Milk which I absolutely love. I eat vegan sausage which is made out of Seitan and seasonings, olive oil instead of butter, they even make fake meat and cheese, things like that.

I wouldn't call myself a strict Vegan. I'm not strictly Organic and I don't shop at Whole Foods religiously. I am not cautious and don't do my research when it comes to the makeup and shower needs I buy, I have also cheated and ate a box of honey bunches of oats and on my birthday my mom took me to a nice mexican restaurant. They had zero Vegan options. I had a cheat day then and ordered a beef and chicken burrito combo plate. After adapting to being Vegan for a while, the sour cream was too sour, the chicken and beef from the burritos were ridiculously greasy as was the cheese.

When I was little my family drove to Las Vegas. On the way we passed a slaughterhouse my brother called "Cowchwitz" where there was a horrible stench coming from the warehouse. Had I not been so naive and young I would have understood what was going on and went Vegan then. You never really know what's going on behind closed doors unless you see it for yourself.

Since becoming Vegan I have also felt healthier. I'm not as depressed, i'm more productive, I just feel lighter. I also have lost around 38lbs. since I changed my eating habits. That itself makes me feel much better. Sure it's not for everyone but it was a change I felt I had no choice but to make. When a book tells you that during an interview with a slaughterhouse employee that they chop off snouts of pigs and stick em in the butt with a broom handle just for fun, there's only so much you can tolerate. Also many lie and claim no animals are harmed when the treatment is beyond cruel.

Racism Goes Both Ways

Racism Goes Both Ways

When you think of racism, it's always white ganging up on black but sure you never hear about blacks ganging on whites but it does happen. How about a white man getting shot just for driving through the hood one day? In fact there was an instance in my own neighborhood a few months ago. A white woman was driving through the neighborhood and passed a group of African American teenagers and they ended up shooting up her car. She escaped and ran to the nearest building for assistance. She was shot twice but luckily her child was unharmed. Bullets pierced through the second carseat which would have killed her second child had he/she been in the vehicle at the time. You didn't hear THAT on the news, in fact they kept it hush hush completely. Why is that? In fact if it hadn't been through a mutual friend I wouldn't even know about it.

I am not trying to be racist in this post. i'm all for bi-racial couples and children, befriending myself with my own "sisters" and "brothers" of color so this is nothing personal but my main point is not only white people are racist. In fact earlier I was on a controversial post about the actress Zendaya playing Ariel the mermaid in a remake of The Little Mermaid. Now it's all speculation and not a definite event but a lot of people went against it because she isn't white.

My opinion was this:

"If Brandy can be Cinderella, and an Asian man playing the prince when he has a black mother and white father, I don't see any reason why Zendaya can't be Ariel"

There was in fact a version of  Cinderella made in 1997 of this instance. Brandy was Cinderella, Whitney Houston the fairy God Mother, Victor Garber as the King, Whoopi Goldberg as the Queen, and a somewhat unknown actor named Paolo Montalban as the prince. There were also supporting roles, The step-mother was white and there were two step-sisters one black and one white.

My comment seemed to settle the pot of chaos. Many people were upset that some said "no way!" There was even one girl who was getting very nasty with others for stating their opinion and was in a Trump like trance where everyone is a racist when it was in fact her who was being ridiculous with her cruelty.

One other racist thing that drives me nuts is "Black Lives Matter" what about Asian lives? Mexican lives? White lives? Human lives in general? we all matter equally. How is black lives matter not a form of racism? People of all backgrounds are being murdered every day. What about the Parkland shooting. That kid didn't target black people in specific did he? or Sandy Hook, did he? In my opinion being an American is about loving thy Neighbor. When people of your own color are the only ones worth a damn that's being racist and an overall selfish fuck. THE END

Pursuit of Happiness Pt. 2

Pursuit of Happiness Pt. 2

My last post was to tell you why I may be single as well as a perspective prospect. That all sucks and all but as of August 15th, I've been seeing someone. "Colby" was a bust. We never went on a date and he stopped texting me. It wasn't too bad because had we actually gone somewhere in turns of relationship I wouldn't have met this guy.

My whole family had gone out of town and it was just me lonely and isolated from social activity. Normally i'm ok with the solitude but this day it was really bugging me. I was chatting with guys on an app called Badoo where this adorable Indian man caught my eye. His picture was older than I thought but he was sweet, kind and funny. Three qualities that I look for in a man. I have a weakness for Middle Eastern men as well for some reason.

I was at work chatting with him through texts when he asked me out on a date for the evening. I figured no one home, not much to do so why the hell not. The whole day we chatted and got to know one another a little better until the evening when he showed up at my door. and we went out. He was extremely sweet and made me feel really special.

We went to a smoothie place because it is my favorite nearby joint, went to see a movie which he let me pick out which ended up being Christopher Robin. We cuddled while we watched the movie and both really liked it. We got hungry so we went to Burger King and I ordered a veggie burger which I didn't know came with Mayo. I had to wipe it off with a napkin before eating it. He ordered the same thing and later told me it was his first time eating one. I gave him the tour of the house and we grabbed a beer and went up to my bedroom. Rilow, the family dog really liked him

I did see him the following day. He came over and we hung out at the house with beer and a movie. even gave me a massage! He and I took some pictures and... but we have since become damn near inseparable. If we aren't together we are texting all day.

I have hope for this one and we both want to persue things further with one another. despite all our cutie emoji texts we are taking things slow. It does feel right though.

A Mother's Emotional Day

A Mother's Emotional Day

Dinky's First Day of School

No mother wants to see their child grow up so quickly. It seems with every passing week time grows more scarce. The summer wasn't long enough and I had to endure the emotions of my baby boy entering Elementary School.

I never was a very emotional person, aside from my pregnancy time that is, but his first day of Kindergarten got to me. I didn't cry his first day of Pre-School either year. I was actually excited for the break. I suppose elementary school is a whole different ball game.

After taking his back to school photos that morning, I walked him 3 houses down to my alma mater where they had all the students gathered on the black top of the playground. I of course took tons of pictures of him that I believe he had gotten somewhat annoyed.

The funny thing is his teacher, Mrs. Nelson was actually my teacher for 4th and 5th grades at a different school. Her name was Mrs. Annis back then and I got to witness the school teachers' scandal. That's for another time though. I was at least set at ease that I was familiar with his teacher and know that she was able to be trusted.

They started calling the classes in one by one. Then the most horrible thing happened to me, they called my baby boy's class in. I tried to hold it together but before I knew it I was wiping tears from my eyes repetitively. My mom was there and I was concealing my sadness. It was so difficult letting my son enter that world. I was overwhelmed with emotions and anxiety. "Will he behave?" "Will he be safe?" "Can he handle a full day of class?" "Will he get along with the other students?" It was an ambush of my own mind. My little boy was getting bigger and starting to explore new surroundings.

After I dropped him off, I went home and I was bored. I didn't know what to do with myself without my son's erratic behavior and the bickering between him and his older brother aka cousin (long story). I tried to find things to do since that Monday was my day off from work. I washed dishes by hand, worked on some laundry, tidied up my bedroom and then I had a beer and was watching a movie.

at 3:15pm he was released from class and he was exhausted. The full day really wore him out. The teacher said he did really well which made me happy since my anxiety was through the roof with worry. I filled out the paperwork that was sent home and read everything I was supposed to just to get it out of the way for the following day.

He went to bed at 8:30pm. I checked my watch at 9:00 and he was still awake. 15 minutes later I didn't hear any rustling, my little boy was fast asleep. It was a long day for us both and at that moment I smiled at his angelic sleeping face before showering. I was full of hope that it will be a good year for him and curious about how he will do when I start receiving his progress passport.

Big 30

Big 30

My birthday was on July 17th. I turned the big three zero. It's a scary concept to leave your twenties behind but it's inevitable. I was also nervous leaving my teens entering my twenties so I will get over it.

My birthday week was decent. My mother took my son and I to our summer home in Port Clinton for the weekend. My son drove me crazy to the point I relapsed on alcohol. The 14th was just a bad day and my son insisted to "test" me. We went out for dinner and being vegan, they didn't have any vegan options at the Mexican restaurant we went to so I decided to have a cheat day. I had a beef and chicken burrito with all the additives (lettuce, tomato, sour cream)on the side I didn't want to make my mom feel bad but not being used to meat anymore the meat tasted unbelievably salty and greasy to my taste buds. I also ordered a $5.99 20 oz. Strawberry Margarita. I had two of them plus finished hers.

We also went to Walmart to pick up a few things. My mom bought me a tank top and a pretty necklace. I managed to score a Linkin Park and Van Halen cds I also scored both Jump Street movies, Indian In The Cupboard, and Pixels in their discounted section. My mom is going to get me a "big" gift too but I just picked out a Lindor Cleveland Indians jersey for $46 since i'm a big Indians fan.

On my actual birthday we just had a little special meal and a vegan cake. My mom made Vegan Pad Thai which was amazing and bought a Vegan Carrot Cake from Whole Foods which was very rich and delicious. My aunt had come over and she even brought me a present of a top and leggings that although cute were nowhere near my size. Regardless it was nice she stopped by and we talked a little about the Bible, and how I'd still like to spend time with her this summer. Maybe go for walks/hikes together. She also expressed how I should get into grooming after seeing my fur-baby's new look.

I haven't drank since the 17th surprisingly and am finding other things to substitute for my alcohol cravings like ginger ale or seltzer water. I can't wait to get my Jersey after my mom's financial problems get figured out.

A Journey To Finding My Faith

A Journey To Finding My Faith

So many of my prayers have been answered by God, including some of my more selfish ones (God forgive me) God had spoken to me yesterday. I'm not saying I was hearing voices from mental illness, he more or less spoke to me through my impulsivities and thoughts. I walked past a religious store down the street named Christian Arts & Sciences due to this "idea".

I met a kind older gentleman who was volunteering there that i got into discussing sports with and I got to hear a life story Bless his heart. God gave me the impulse to purchase a King James edition Holy Bible from the nice old man. I picked one for 3.50 but God told me to put it back on the shelf and go with the more expensive one. It was 8 dollars plus tax. I didn't have cash on me at the time and he didn't know how to work the credit card scanner so I told him "there's an ATM at the gas station about a block and a half down the street. I'm going to run there and take out some cash and i'll be right back to buy "that" Bible from you. He smiled and said "thank you so much i'll be here waiting for you" so i left for the atm, took out the lowest it'd provide ($20) and had to pay a $3 withdrawal charge.

I sighed slightly but knew it was for the greater good (you can't put a price on finding your faith) and walked back to the store where the man was standing looking at the Bibles. We talked for a few moments and I completed my transaction with him. We bid each other farewell and for me to come by and chat again and that it wouldn't have to be about religion. I smiled at him and left the store. So now i'm the proud owner of King James Holy Bible that after the withdrawal fee at the ATM cost me $11.64 more than I could afford (I really had $0 available to my name).

When I got home, I opened the Holy Bible to start Genesis 1:1 and read to 7:20 My son looked at the book and asked what it was. I told him it was the story of how God created the world and all living things. He actually wanted me to read some to him which surprised me a bit. I got through most of the first chapter before he got distracted by a movie he was watching.

I put on music and God said I wanted to listen to Christian Rock, which, I actually enjoy anyway. I discovered Owl City was Christian Rock and I've always loved their song Fireflies. So I enjoyed the music while reading until it was time to sleep.

This morning I put the Bible in my purse to read at work. I'm actually going to get back to reading after this blog entry.

*The moral of the story here is that God does speak to you to get you on the right path to finding your faith, you just have to be listening to hear his guidance when you're ready.

Rapid Weight Loss

Rapid Weight Loss

My starting weight a couple months ago was at 291 lbs. A Month later it was 277 lbs. Now it's 264.4 lbs. I finally got a fitbit and it's been amazing! It's actually the best arm & a leg i've spent on an electronic device. Below is a summary of what it monitors. Calories burned, total steps for that day, stair cases climbed, miles of walking for the day, and active time. It does tons of other neat things too.

I have been losing all this weight primarily by walking. Sunday I had walked 19,544 steps which is 8.3 miles, Monday I walked 11k steps which was 4.3 miles and yesterday's stats are in the picture above. I've also been drinking way more water than i used to and i've successfully been vegan for over a month which gets easier for me every day. I also take One A Day Woman's to supplement my required nutrients so that's all helping a great deal.

You'd think losing weight so fast would be awesome, and to a certain degree it is. The problem though is losing weight so fast, you also lose muscle mass. I can actually feel myself losing it. My arms feel weird and I feel weak often. The cure to that is strength training. Weight lifting and such. I don't have anything for that so I guess i'll have to get a gym membership just to use their weights.

Another con about rapid weight loss is the loose flabby skin you get from it. That can be solved with toning exercises. I googled yesterday what a burpee was, not that i'd physically be able to do one for a while anyway. I have Shaun T dvds so i should really do those more if even only for 15 minutes a day. Sorry, I'm thinking out loud. 

My goal weight is between 165 lbs -145 lbs. I haven't weighed that little since I was 18 and on ADHD Medication. I believe it was Adderall and it suppressed my appetite. I'm hoping to get there by around this time next year. fingers crossed!

On My Way To A Happier Healthier Me!

On My Way to A Happier Healthier Me!

I read a book called Skinny Bitch by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin and it scared the crap out of me! I can honestly say the book turned a carnivore like me into a Vegan. I'm doing very well on the diet. No meat or seafood, no animal byproducts such as eggs, milk, cream, cheese, butter. I've been doing very well on it and don't even really miss my old diet. Not to mention i've been starting to lose weight. Last I was weighed I weighed 284 lbs. the biggest i've been was 293. That's when I realized if I don't change, i could die!

I've had many medical problems due to my weight from Planters Fasciitis to Severe Sleep Apnea, and a low blood count out of nowhere. I'm actually surprised I haven't gotten diagnosed with diabetes yet (knock on wood.)

I first started doing exercises. We have a stationary bike in the kitchen (weird place for one I know.) I started riding that here and there for 30-45 minutes. I also started finding excuses to go on walks. One weekend I went for a long walk and got lost. Thanks to Google Maps I found my way home and discovered I walked 12k steps and for a distance of 4.5 miles. I was wow'ed with myself that I did that and it felt amazing to do I started doing more walking.

I bought Shaun T.'s Cize work out dvds and I used those once (been slacking gotta start up again.) Last I weighed myself on my scale I weighed 273. I'm going to go to the doctor today where they're gonna weigh me and they record my weight so i'm going to ask them how much i've lost. It's obvious i've lost weight. Pants that just fit right are now loose, tops that barely covered my stomach where i'd have to hike up my pants now cover my stomach. You can tell i've lost a bit of weight since last year.

Now I can ride the stationary bike for an hour straight. It's easier to use the steps without feeling out of breath. I can walk 3 miles easy with no breathers. I have never felt much better than i'm starting to feel getting my shape back. My goal weight so far is about 200 then my final goal is to weigh 145 like I did in high school. It's a long shot but even if i get to 170 i'll be happy. It's also nice that for the most part, my family is supportive of my journey. they let me go for walks and are willing to watch my son, willing to cook a vegan meal for the family once in a while, watch tv in the living room so I can use the stationary bike. It's very helpful. No matter where you are in your journey, whether you run or walk, you'll get to your destination.

Word of Wisdom:

#SelfLove #DontQuitGetFit #NoPainNoGain

Son's Diagnoses

Son's Diagnoses

This is my son Tristan. He just turned six years old and like any child there's joy and there's frustrations. He is hyper and likes to drive me completely bonkers! it's like he's unsatisfied with his day until I get mad at him 30 times in that span of time. He's relatively normal except for one dilemma, He's been diagnosed with Severe ADHD disorder with a co-existing ODD disorder.

ADHD is the acronym for Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. I've known for a while that he's different from other kids and seemed to be somewhat behind in his development. He gets frustrated and angry easily and he has a hard time listening to instructions and consequences. Don't get me wrong he's not all troublesome. He's really sweet when he wants to be and is extremely intelligent! He's been the apple of my eye since birth and this diagnosis doesn't change that fact.

His second diagnosis which is Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Pretty much in this case is where they get satisfaction on defying orders and are very argumentative. it's really their way or the highway and they are very bad at taking consequences seriously. He tends to purposely push my buttons and uses my weaknesses against me. His day isn't made until I yell at him and I suppose the negative attention is better than no attention for him. Sometimes when I ask him to do something he will be like "or else you'll do this mommy?" and names a likely consequence which is usually either not letting him play with a cellphone or a time out.

I'm not gonna lie, he got the disorder from both parent and sperm donor. We're both bad with our ADHD and ODD. Unfortunately his "sperm donor" never grew out of his ODD as for me it took me until well into my twenties to realize where I was wrong with my behavior. I have an idea how frustrated he gets. For him it's like putting a first grader into Jr. High. Can you imagine how overwhelming and frustrating that would be? Another truth is that i'm at fault for expecting too much of him and try to force him to "act his age" when he literally can't because of these disorders.

I was reading pamphlets about ADHD in children and the older they get, the bigger the gap between their age and their mental age. The gap gets wider unless there's an early intervention and new strategies used to help them cope while they are young. I also ordered a couple parenting with children suffering from ADHD books to teach me strategies and better understand his mindset. He is also going to be seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist for his med needs and taking swimming classes to release some energy.

There's a lot of controversy over young children taking meds for mental disorders so please don't judge me. My son often gets out of control with his aggression and doesn't take directions well. He doesn't focus well and his behavior and moods are all over the place. Going into kindergarten this coming fall, i'm afraid he will be one of those kids who end up making friends (not in a positive way) with the principle. I personally believe there should be a bit of stability for school and the family's sanity.

Nevertheless, he's a good boy and has his positives. He's extremely smart, he's handy and likes to fix objects (break them too), he loves being active and outside, He's got a thing for water like his mama, he has moments where he's incredibly kind and loving, not to mention he has a great sense of humor. Ultimately he has an amazing personality and he's very lovable.

Hopefully we can get past these hurdles and grow together as mother and son. I just want him to have the most fulfilling and happy life possible. He deserves that much.

Fitness Madness

Fitness Madness

This weekend has been an amazing weekend! I have no idea if it's due to mania or i'm really ready to work on my weight but i've been going nuts with fitness lately. It's been feeling great!

For example, two days ago I was bored so I got on the family's stationary bike for a half hour. It felt good so I decided to take a walk. I ended up getting lost so when I got home I checked the distance and it was 4.56 miles. I felt an unbelievable amount of accomplishment doing that. Then later on I did another fifteen minutes on the bike.

Monday was even better, I set a goal to ride an hour on the bike, I rode a little longer than that because my son kept acting up and I had to get off a couple times then set back my timer a bit to estimated time it stopped at. After that my Shaun T. CIZE dvd collection came in the mail so I did the 30 minute segment of that. I had to take frequent breaks do to how out of shape I am but it really kicked my ass and I was proud to even have finished it. I later decided to take a walk. It wasn't a long walk just a short one mile.

My parents are extremely supportive of my new regimen that they let me take over the TV to do my exercise video or let me go for a long walk. I haven't tested riding the bike while my parents were in the kitchen watching the news, probably shouldn't push my luck on that one to tell you the truth. It's been nice though to say the least.

Now i'm at work and very fidgety with nothing to do. I'm practically anxious to get moving and take a walk. I had been planning to get exercise for a while but actually getting started was more or less a slight procrastination. I'm glad it finally happened and that i'm getting myself into a good habit. Mania or not I hope it sticks!

This is me as of now, can't wait to see the progress!

Shopping Therapy

Shopping Therapy

Yesterday I was in a pretty pissed off mood. I got into an ignorant and petty fight with my sister, and my mom also pissed me off by asking me how I was when she obviously didn't really want to know the answer. This anger plagued me overnight so yesterday I had decided to hit up Tower City for some shopping therapy and to check out the local casino that is connected to the building.

I had tried to invite a few of my friends aka "sisters" to hang out with me but unfortunately they all had stuff to do. It was a little lonely to go by myself but I quickly got over it. I figured 1. I didn't have to spend money on anyone but me, 2. I could go wherever the hell I wanted to go in the mall, 3. I didn't have to include anyone else on my purchases, for example "what do you think of this?" I don't know if i'm just anti-social because normal women prefer that kind of thing.

I went to the casino and played some Slot Machines. I won $0.31 more than I Gambled. I call that a win considering it was my first time gambling. I was very careful not to get hooked and spend any more than $10.00 there. I stuck to my budget! I was rather proud of myself considering various types of addiction diseases run in my family. I'll have to remember which machine I won the most on he-he.

I was feeling pretty girly to be honest. My first stop was Victoria Secret. I was impressed with their unbiased staff. You'd think they'd be a little judgemental to a heavier set girl walking in wanting to buy a "skinny bitch" bra but I politely asked them if they sold my bra size (40DD) they were so lively and kind to me calling me "hun" every sentence and they were very helpful. I ended up ordering 2 bras from them. Can you really pass up a BOGO 50% off deal? The thing about Victoria Secret is they're, excuse my french, fucking expensive! Alas they are also much better quality than Walmart or Target. A day later I ordered two more online because summer is coming up and with a big chested gal like myself. I can't stand the boob sweat when you're lounging around with freed ta-tas. I ordered a couple "T-Shirt" bras.

I made a pit-stop to Starbucks to try their new promotion of Grande Mocha Frappe for $3.00. It was very good and the barista was also kind and I wanted to tip them well but unfortunately you can't leave a tip on a card. Who knew? The Mocha Frappe was delicious though so I sat at a chair and relaxed my feet a little. I have plantar fasciitis so my feet always feel like i'm stepping with dagger blades in my heels. Great way to refuel if you ask me.

My second stop was of course Bath & Body Works. Again, very kind staff. I swear the woman could have sold ice to an Eskimo in the Arctic Circle if she so chose to. I was told it was a buy three get three free promotion. Naturally with such a good sales woman at hand I took advantage of the promotion and she helped me pick out items to fit my needs. I was looking for a body scrub since I get random acne popping up around my forehead and chin areas. Then I thought, "well, I occasionally like to take bubble baths and read" so she presented me with a great smelling but in the end somewhat disappointing bubble bath. I also bought a couple body sprays, moisturizing lotion, and a jar of clay mask.

I checked out and walked into the neighboring store which ended up being a connected to Bath & Body Works store with different products. It was a candle store called White Barn. I bought my mom a beautiful smelling candle there even though it was kind of pricey. it was called Fresh Cut Lilacs and they gave me the one that was gift wrapped. I ended up buying two more candles for myself online today so I wouldn't have to take over my mom's during my baths.

When I got home I decided to take a bath, Every item I bought was impressive except the bubble bath. It didn't bubble up that well and I was more or less sitting in seafoam. The candle smelled amazing and took over the whole room with fragrance. I noticed a big difference after using the scrub and later the mask after my shower. The body sprays smelled amazing too. I couldn't believe how soft my feet were this morning after using the lotion. All the cracked skin and flakiness was completely gone.

Overall, I had a great day yesterday in the end. I got home and I had my favorite beverage waiting for me. My mother had bought me a small box of instant Chai Tea Latte powder packets which is my crack. Nothing puts me in a good mood faster than Chai Tea Lattes. There was also a package waiting for me which had a couple Disney Edition "Scene It?" board games I had bought. I guess you could say everything ended up being early Birthday and Christmas presents to myself. Now let's see if I can get my cards paid off...

Endoscopic Sinus Surgery

Endoscopic Sinus Surgery

Since 2008 I have had a very difficult time breathing through my nose. Since I was preggnant with my second son at the time I figured it was pregnancy related. That ended up not being the case. I finally complained to my PCP about it and he sent me to an Ear, Nose, Throat doctor. Turns out I had Chronic Sinusitis, Enlarged Turbinates, and a Deviated Septum that veered off to the left. Naturally the doctor wanted to perform a surgery to correct all these problems.

On the 24th at 6:30 AM I was scheduled to appear at the hospital for admittance. My mom accompanied me for this event. I Went under at around 7:15am for a two and a half hour surgery. where they repaired my septum, shrunk my turanites, and drained my sinus cavity.

I woke up shortly after in recovery where I was very discombobulated and groggy. I was well and ready to get out of there. My throat burned and my nose was sore as was my neck. We left and I came home to drink a light ginger soda to help my throat which it did. Then I went upstairs and slept the whole day away as my nose bled.

The 2nd day was a pain in a different sense. I had gotten into arguments with family members and avoided them as much as I could. My nose was still bleeding slightly and I had to keep it covered like pictured above. The bleeding seemed to have subsided after I engaged in a nice hot shower.

I'm on day three now and the only problem i'm having with my nose is dried balls of blood i have to dig out just to slightly breathe properly. I'm stuck being at home for a week to recover and it sucks because I will not be getting paid this time off at work. God help me in a speedy recovery.