Tuesday, June 27, 2017

What's The Problem?

What's The Problem?

There is so much hate and controversy over the LGBT community. I can only ask, why is that? What have they done to spark your anger? Kiss? well I see PDA constantly with straight couples and no one bats an eye. Raise children? Many of the children raised by gay couples are not poisoned they can be gay or straight but nevertheless their parents are proud of them and show unconditional love as any parent should show to their child(ren). Some of the nicest, funniest, most loving individuals I know are a big part of the LGBT community and I don't see them as anything but brothers and sisters and overall human beings. Everyone has their flaws. Do I think being gay is a flaw or a sin? no. This is why...

Homosexuality has been active among the human race for centuries. It was happening even before Jesus was born. Not that they would admit it back then but that's because in society it was highly unacceptable to be apart of homosexual acts and would result in punishment of death. Even some animals portray an element of homosexuality. for example Dolphins. Male dolphins often engage in sexual acts with other male dolphins. Does that make the animal any less beautiful? no. They are smart and exquisite creatures. The Bible was written by man. Many people somehow seem to conclude that God himself wrote the bible and that it is God's law in written form. This is not true. Jesus' followers also known as the 12 Disciples. They all wrote a piece of the bible and as most stories are told, they come out in various forms. an exaggerated truth as it were. It's like when you were a kid playing the telephone game. If you haven't heard of it, it's where a child whispers a phrase in another's ear and the last person says out loud what was whispered to them. It never comes out the way it began. The Bible in my opinion is an exaggerated story not spoken from God's tongue. My faith of mine alone as I don't tend to associate with any means that divide us as a people. Is that God created everything. From people to plants and animals. God empowered people with free will and part of that is attraction to a certain gender whether it be another man or another woman.

I was raised around the LGBT community. my siblings had many close friends that were apart of it when I was younger.One trans-gendered from female to male went from Liz to Lathem. Regardless of his identity... yes I said "his" because he is now what he desired to be since high school. I also befriended one of my older brother's good friends Fernando who is my son's other God-father and has become family to me in time. He's the silliest man you will ever meet but he does very well for himself. He's a music publicist. He is constantly running marathons and living life to the fullest. My best friend is bi-sexual and she's an amazing person and mother. She wears her heart on her sleeve and has so much love to give. We always joke that if we don't marry in 10 years we'll cave and marry one another since we are soulmates in bestie form. She is very understanding of my mental illnesses and she doesn't hold back often. She will tell you what you need to hear before telling you what you want to hear. You shouldn't have to be gay and say "this world will never accept me, who I am, and who I love" You should be accepted just as you are.

There are even many LGBT celebrities out there that we hate to love and love to hate. Ian McKellan known for Magneto in the older X-Men franchise is gay. I'm sure you all know Neil Patrick Harris, Ellen DeGeneres, The lovable Jim Parsons from The Big Bang Theory, Anderson Cooper, Rosie O'Donnell, Lance Bass of the late boy band Nsync, Raven Symone who starred in Dr. Dolittle, Zenon Girl Of The 21st Century, and That's So Raven , Ricky Martin, Zachary Quinto aka Professor Spock in the new Star Trek movies, Jodi Foster, and one of my favorite no bullshit tolerance comedians Wanda Sykes.

It's not the 1700's people! Things change as the world evolves. There is nothing wrong with loving another person. There's nothing wrong with marrying your best friend and soulmate, there's nothing wrong with wanting to raise a family. It's purely encouraged on straight couples so why should gay couples be any different? Just remember, We're all human and given the gift from God to love no matter who it is.

Not So Bright Eyed And Bushy Tailed

Not So Bright Eyed And Bushy Tailed

I didn't go to sleep until about 1 A.M in the morning. My alarm went off at 6 A.M so i'm running off of 5 hours of sleep. I didn't wake up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as I would have if I were having a Manic episode. I woke up confused as to how long my alarm had been sounding. I got dressed and made my bed. I'm not sure whether or not I remembered to take my morning meds. I went downstairs and let my dog out for about 20 minutes having to sit out there to make sure she actually did her business otherwise she would just bark at the door until I let her in. I unloaded the dishwasher and washed a few items by hand. I made coffee not knowing there wasn't any milk for it. I also cleaned up the kitchen a little bit since I had nothing to do so early in the morning. I ran the dishwasher late last night while I was feeling completely restless. I read about half a chapter of my book while drinking my coffee black desperate for a pick-me-up. It worked though.

I left the house at my usual time of 7:55 A.M. to commute to work. I went without another cup until 11:20 A.M. so I think i'm doing pretty well considering. When I get home i'm going to have to find myself something to do to stay productive. Perhaps I will organize my shoes underneath my bed and sweep up my bedroom. I hope tonight I will get a full night's rest and not have a reenactment of last night because that would suck. At least i'm happy to get an early start. I used to set my alarm for 6:45, then it went to 6:30, then 6:15, now it's at 6 on the dot! I don't feel I really need to wake up any earlier than that. I suppose I should take the time in the morning to shower up before work. I usually shower in the evening. That's just something I could think about I suppose. Anyway I hope you all are having a great day! CHEERS!

Monday, June 26, 2017



Have you ever had one of those nights that whatever you try to do you just can't settle in and fall asleep? I am having one of those nights. I don't know if it's because I'm Manic again or if it's because I had a Monster Energy Drink at 5:30 pm. I read for a little bit and when I checked I had about 35 chapters left in my book. I turned out my light for a whole 2 minutes and before I knew it my light was back on and I was reading again. I checked again and I had 25 chapters left. I decided to go downstairs to finish loading and run the dishwasher so that when I woke up tomorrow morning, i'd only have to unload it which would take all but 5 minutes to do.

I cleaned up the kitchen and emptied beer cans and collected them into a plastic bag and put them by the basement stairwell. I also made myself a sandwich for work tomorrow complete with a sliced tomato. Now i'm writing this entry and will probably read again once I get into my room. If I wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed at 6 am after lacking my usual 10 hours of sleep i'll know it's mania. I thought it had gone away with my 2-3 days of feeling weighed down and sluggish. I barely did anything those few days except dishes and hung out sitting on my ass. I had told my mom that maybe this new found productivity isn't mania because after those few days it came back. She said "mania or not try to keep it like that." My parents have been proud of me lately and it's improving our relationships tremendously.

I take joy in doing things now that I used to not bother with. For example, I actually prefer to wash the dishes by hand. I'll do it as long as it's not overbearing with huge nasty dirty piles to clean up in which case, i'm glad there's a dishwasher available. Whatever doesn't fit in the load in the dishwasher however I will pleasantly wash by hand. I don't know what it is. Maybe I like the feeling of doing something productive, or maybe it's the extremely warm comforting soapy water splashing against my hands and arms as I scrub pots, pans, and dishes in the sink. I also enjoy reading as of late. I had finished one book and moved on to the next. I have tons I had bought at the local library bookstore that I had never gotten to reading. I also ordered 3 more books online that i'm excited for their arrival. Another thing I've been doing is taking my son out more often. To the playground or the library. I find I can enjoy some reading as he plays. I do need to try to get some sleep. I wonder how long it'll be until I finally crash.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Maybe It Wasn't Mania After all

Maybe It Wasn't Mania After all

Either my Mania is back or I just had a down point for a couple of days. I was doing dishes every day but then yesterday I went on another cleaning binge. I did the dishes and then had my four cups of coffee. I had made beds, washed laundry, bathed my son, folded all the clean laundry except for my brother's stuff (He can do it his damn self!) I put away toys and cleaned up the living room. I cleaned up the kitchen. I then put all the laundry that was folded away. I did some light reading yesterday and this morning I did the dishes before having some coffee. Whatever this is, i'm glad it's back! I felt very weighed down for the last couple of days and it wasn't pleasant at all. I was very disgusted with myself honestly. So i'm glad it's back. Today my to-do list involves showering, straightening up toys and the living room, and washing dishes. I think with the right motivation I can accomplish everything.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

10 Uplifting Songs To Listen To When You're Depressed

10 Uplifting Songs To Listen To While You're Depressed

Songs put anyone into a better mood. It's almost like a medication all on it's own. They can Inpire you, motivate you, soothe you, They can even energize you. I love listening to music. I have listened to all types and genres from pop to metal. There's many songs out there. Some are words of wisdom, some are love between two people, some are about hardships in the singer's lives. I am going to give you 10 songs to listen to while you're feeling depressed that may just make you feel better.

1. We Shall Overcome - Pete Seeger.
This song was written during the civil rights movement. It's meaning can relate to people with mental illnesses too. The lyrics are of a strong and inspiring nature. They can motivate you to try your best and overcome the battles your facing. It always makes me feel a little better and it definitely pulls at my heart strings.

2. Every Rose Has It's Thorn - Poison
Bad things will happen but you can't let that get you down. Poison sings this song with feeling. It sends such a powerful message and can be extremely beautiful if interpreted the right way.

3.Hand In My Pocket - Alanis Morissette
Alanis has had her fair share of mental illness. She wrote songs to reflect ok her life and what she was going through at the time. This song is about overcoming obstacles and that everything could be worse. That you have to give yourself a push to helping yourself.

4. Fight Song - Rachel Platton
This is a song to tell you to never stop fighting. Good things will come but you must fight for it. I find this song very upbeat and relays a powerful message to never give up, never surrender.

5. Let Me Be Myself - 3 Doors Down
I've always loved this song. It's about overcoming depression and becoming whole again. Don't be anyone else, be yourself when times are good and even when they are bad.

6. Firework - Katy Perry
Feel good about yourself. Don't let anyone take your self-esteem away be confident in your own skin and show people you are stronger than they think. This song also relays a powerful message. Katy sure has a way with words.

7. Beautiful Day - U2
With summer fast approaching the days will be beautiful. Treat it as such and do something for you to take that step towards happiness. Embrace the sun's rays, go outside. Have a beautiful day!

8. Hold On - Good Charlotte
It's not the end, it's only the beginning. This song is a great reminder that what you're going through won't last forever if you hold on to yourself and fight the disease. Things will start looking up for you. you just have to believe it will.

9.  Stronger - Kelly Clarkson 
You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. What doesn't kill you will make you a warrior. This song explains that. Kelly clarkson is a very wise woman!

10. What I've Done - Linkin' Park
You have to brace yourself for what's coming and try to block out the negativity. This song is a good example of that. That what you have done in the past won't plague you and define you as a person and human being.

Manic Episode At It's End

Manic Episode At It's End

For Four days I was feeling happy. I was feeling good about myself and getting a lot done. I was picking up things around the house constantly, doing dishes, showering, making beds, washing various loads of laundry, even took my son to the library and/or playground every day. It began to slow down yesterday. I got my bed set in the dryer, remade my bed with other bed sheets, and got the dishes done. but then I started to feel weighed down and extremely sluggish. I wasn't on top of my laundry Like I had been the rest of the week. and I was sitting constantly. I didn't take my son anywhere that day and also felt really bad about myself. It's Thursday now and my bed sheets are still in the dryer a long with a load of clothes idling wet in the washer. I hate the way I feel now. My psychiatrist had told me it could be one of two things, a manic episode, or my true self not under the binds of depression. I was hoping so much I wasn't depressed anymore but my wish unfortunately didn't come true.

I have to fight it though and get things accomplished. I know I just need to take it step by step but the way I felt about myself during my manic episode was so empowering and I felt rather satisfied with how things were going. For once I had some leeway with my parents. They respected me for that short amount of time and even voiced they were proud of me. I am afraid to let them down again. I'm afraid to have to tell them that it was just a manic phase and now it's over and that things are going to go back to how they once were.

I am tired, not physically but mentally with this daily battle with bi-polar type 2 depression. They say Tired can mean Torn, Insecure, Ruined, Emotional, Depressed. That is clearly my case. As I mentioned I feel weighed down as if there is an anvil inside my body and in my mind dropping with the strong force of gravity. I know some of you can feel this way too. It's a royal buzz kill. Everyday i'm going to take a step to get something accomplished and fight my depression in hopes it will give me back that feeling of euphoria and self-satisfaction. I might not be self compliant or willing to do those things in my usual state but I assure you I will be able to feel proud and say "this is what i've got done today"

I have to hope it will get better and easier in time. For now I suppose I should just be happy that in whatever state i'm in I shower daily and brush my teeth. I go to work on weekdays, I don't sleep all day for my son's sake. It's just me after all. I don't have a significant other to pick up the slack for me. I have my parents but I still can't just sleep all day. So those should be considered a feat in itself. I want more out of life though. I want happiness, I want to feel good about myself, I want relationships with my parents to keep improving, I want to be more like my sister who does so much around the house. What I don't want is to feel useless and worthless, to disappoint family, to revert back to my normal self. This battle will be never-ending which is most mental illness states.

"We shall overcome, We shall overcome, We shall overcome someday"

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Visit at my Mental Health Clinic

Visit At My Mental Health Clinic

I had an appointment with my nurse yesterday for my Invega Sustenna bi-polar injection. I had a lot of good news coming my way. I had lost 4 more pounds! I told her about my self-harming episode on June 5th and that I may be manic because I've been doing so much more which is uncharacteristic of me.

For example: On Monday, I started the day by making my bed. I had some coffee I collected trash from around the house and took all the garbage to the tree lawn without being directed to do it. I then rested a little after because my side was hurting. I then decided to meet my son and foster brother at the playground. My foster brother had left so I watched my son a while and then we went to the library for a good amount of time and I read while he played with their toys. When we got home I gave him a bath and then had something to eat but I didn't eat much I only had salad and a slice of pizza that day. I took a shower and brushed my teeth followed by loading the dishes into the dishwasher. We went upstairs and I read for a while before going to sleep.

My nurse shot over an email to my psychiatrist and I was able to have a brief session with her. I told her about the self-harm and stated that I didn't believe it was because of meds because I felt stable. I also told her everything I had done that weekend and how I thought I was manic. But besides being over productive I wasn't showing other symptoms of being manic. She didn't change my meds and stated that it could either be a mild manic episode or that my meds are pulling me out of depression. That the productivity could be my true self not depressed and that since i'm not used to it i'm mistaking it for mania and we'll know for sure depending on how i'm feeling by our next appointment. I also asked if I could be referred to a new therapist since mine was being transferred out. They're going to set me up with an art therapist which I think is awesome!

I woke up this morning at 6 a.m. after falling asleep only 6 hours earlier, got dressed and let my dog out. I put food and water into the dog bowls and finished loading and ran the dishwasher. I changed out the trash bin and took the full bag to the tree lawn. I also took the time to put on some makeup. My mother came downstairs and I told her that my midnight snack was a replica of what she had made my father and I for father's day. She thanked me for doing the dishes and I told her how my psychiatrist appointment went. She said "Mania or not being depressed, keep it up!" My parents have been proud of me lately and so have I. I feel much better when i'm up and being productive and feel cruddy when i'm just sitting around lazily on my ass. I haven't played on my computer much and have watched maybe 1 1/2 hours worth of television in a day while I thought of other productive things I could be doing instead. This last 3 days have been something to be extremely proud of and I hope it continues!

Sunday, June 18, 2017



Today I went through a mania that I've never gone through before. Sure I've had manic episodes but not like this. In case you are unsure what i'm talking about Mania is a mental illness marked by periods of great excitement, euphoria, delusions, and over-activity.  I'm excited and proud of myself for everything I have gotten done today. i'm not delusional but I am overactive at the moment. I am regularly a rather lazy and melancholy individual. I sit around all day and it usually takes me three days to even get my laundry washed, folded, and in the basket in my bedroom. Today however I got that done in a day plus much more.

I started the day as I usually do. Waking up at around 10:30 A.M. with a couple cups of fresh coffee. I then figured i'd finish loading the dishwasher from the previous night and run it. After I had done that I went upstairs and brought my dirty laundry down to the basement to wash it and got it into the washer. While that was washing I went into my room and made my son and my beds. I looked for a broom to sweep the floor which I eventually did after my mom found the broom so I did that. Next I decided to bathe my son in the bathroom, followed by my puppy in the basement. I then took the time to switch my clothes from the washer to the dryer for their first run. While the dryer was going I took a nice cool shower which felt amazing since I was sweating like crazy all day. After the second run in the dryer, my clothes were finally done and I took the time to fold them while watching a little bit of The Bodyguard staring Kevin Costner and Whitney Huston. I took my folded laundry upstairs and sorted it out to put it away which I did in a timely manner. Next, I cleaned up the counter tops in the kitchen and soaked the counter tops followed by unloading and reloading the dishwasher. My dog had gotten to a garbage bag in the stairwell to the basement so I then cleaned that up. I was having a hard time figuring out what to do with myself for a while but my mom was cleaning so I asked her if there were anything I could help her with. She directed me to do some dusting, so I dusted windows, mirrors, cabinets, appliances, the coffee table, and the standing butcher's block. I relaxed reading for a bit but then I wanted to do something else so I straightened out the living room. tucked in the blankets into the sectional cushions, puffed up the pillows and laid two to both ends of the couch. I also puffed out the backing cushions. I finished by picking up all my son's toys and organizing them around his play corner where his toys and toy box are. I drank a couple cups of coffee before bed because I wasn't ready to fall asleep just yet and now i'm typing this entry.

Have you ever had a state of mania that was very unlike you but at the same time, you didn't want to ever end? I was extremely proud of myself today and never felt more fulfilled and accomplished. I had so much energy today that I think I will make whoever reads this exhausted just picturing it at the end. For once my mother told me she was proud of me and my father asked if I "kicked up dirt" with my constant productivity and that I did a lot today. They both noticed I was very proactive in my chores today and I was pleased that everything I planned to do this weekend got done in one day. This day is a win for me against my bipolar depression!

Thursday, June 15, 2017

America United

America United

Do you remember in elementary school we would do the morning preamble? It went something like this... "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under god, indivisible with liberty and justice for all" Where is the one nation under god anymore? we have been divided by politics. We're now the Trumpies and the snowflakes not the republicans or the democrats and it's sad to see the parties go at war with one another when we are meant to be united as the American people. What has happened to our nation? Crime is at an all time high and are liberties are being affected. Can't people just be mature and hold a civilized debate instead of jumping straight to the assumptions like "you must be a killary supporter" or "you must watch CNN" or insults like "you're just a hillary supporting snowflake" which is both an assumption and an insult but to be honest i'm still not sure what a snowflake even is other than a frozen raindrop that becomes fluffy and comes down in the winter.

I'll be honest here when people insult me I insult them back for self defense. But I also have friends who are republicans and we rarely talk politics because of how it divides people these days and brings out the worst in people. I've been seeing a lot of cruelty on yahoo news' political news posts and I just sit there reading the comments and replies just thinking "what is wrong with these people!?" I have one friend who's a republican always trying to make a point and tried to push his beliefs on me by sharing political posts on my timeline. I asked him as nice as I could to not continue to do that because of how politics rip people apart and I want no part in that. Also that it's not wrong to believe what you believe. It's almost like a new era religion. there's so many truths and falses in each party. Both sides are crooked in my opinion.

My personal standpoint? I didn't vote for Trump and I also wasn't crazy about Hillary. I'm in the middle of the road believing the same things as republicans and of the democrats. do I believe abortion should be legal? no. Unless it's from incest, rape, or the baby would die anyway whether or not aborted. Might as well put the poor baby out of it's pain. Do I believe in anti-LGBT? no. I couldn't be more supportive of the LGBT community and what they stand for. Most of them are amazing and strong. They can be funny and the nicest people you will ever meet in your lifetime and very accepting of everyone unless the hate is spread then they will retaliate.

I believe the government budget should go towards college education and to climate change science not to weapons for war. They should keep Obamacare as is because many people actually need it. They also should increase wages for active military. It's not fair that athletes get paid millions to play a game and our military struggle living paycheck to paycheck. They should not defund the VA either, Most of our military vets did not choose to join the military but were drafted and fought and risked their lives to save our freedom like my father and his brother who were marines in the Vietnam War in their 20's. The least the government can do is thank them by making sure they live as long of lives as possible. I say "no" to tax breaks for the wealthy. why don't you give the middle class one instead? They shouldn't defund the government medicaid programs either. A lot of people struggle to make ends meat with a low income. they can't afford health coverage too. I do agree however that anyone receiving any type of government assistance should be drug tested regularly.

As you can see here I am in the middle of the road. I am also mature unless insulted by someone that isn't in which case I will defend myself and sometimes in an immature manner. Want to start a debate? that's great, but keep the name calling out and keep it civilized. That's what America should be about.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Dental Misfortune

Dental Misfortune

I went to the dentist yesterday and it couldn't have gone any worse. They had to take measurements of my teeth and to do that they made me stretch my mouth open at different angles which hurt like a bitch and forced me to tears. Not only that but I was misinformed by my insurance company that they would pay the full expenses of getting what I needed done. Turns out they'll only pay if you have the stuff completed by the time you're 21 years old. I need a Motion Carrier which is a splint like device that realigns your jaw and corrects your overbite. I am also in need of wired braces. So since my insurance won't cover it, the dentist's office set up a payment plan of $135 a month with a $300 down payment when I get them done.

I had to cancel my pamper day so I could save that money for the down payment. I won't have all $300 until early August and I don't know how i'm going to pay $135 for the next 2 1/2 years. I'm praying I get approved for my SSI so I can pay it off much faster and this coming year's tax return will also be going toward getting this paid off. I didn't even want braces, I wanted the invisalign teeth straightening system. In my eyes braces are for teenagers, that it's like a milestone in your younger years. I'm 28 years old, i'm going to look very odd in braces. Alas it was the cheaper option so I suppose I don't have a choice anymore.

I do have the option of saying "screw that!" and not getting it done. In general i'm a very self conscious person and get anxious easily. I figured after all is said and done that this may build my self-esteem. I hate my overbite but at the same time not sure of how i'll look without it. I've grown accustomed to it since i've had it the whole time i've had my adult teeth. Also, I get excruciating jaw pain, jaw popping and headaches which the dentist said the Motion Carrier should cure and that it realigns your jaw rather quickly in about an 8 month timespan. The braces will take 18-24 months to straighten my teeth.

I hope that this will help my self-confidence improve and I also pray that i'll get my SSI to help me pay for this. I won't have any money to myself anymore after the first bill comes in. I'm lying to my father and told him the insurance is going to pay for it and asked my mom to please not tell him that I have to pay out of pocket so he won't yell at me. I'm already swimming in debt as it is. This just seemed to be the cherry on the top of a sundae.

Please pray for me that I get approved my SSI.

Friday, June 9, 2017


Now why did I decide to write about the savings client WikiBuy? I'll tell you why. They just saved me $30 on leggings! I love leggings and I was trying to find a good price on a specific pair. They are known as the "Once Upon A Time" leggings which feature Belle and the Beast under a rainbowed sky on a balcony. I love Beauty and The Beast and in particular all things Disney. I had just bought a pair of Disney Lady Villains leggings yesterday at full price. This client finds better prices at other retailers and even automatically submits coupon codes and activates the one that would save the most money. I found the leggings I was looking for on Lotus Leggings they were $15.99 with free shipping. I activated WikiBuy just for the fun of it not intending to purchase the leggings today and it came up with a code "LOTUSLOVESYOU" and took $15 off the purchase. luckily I had $2 to spare so I was shocked and had to order the leggings. who could beat 99 cent leggings AND free shipping? So of course I purchased my dream leggings finally along with a pair of The Little Mermaid leggings titled "Under The Sea" I've never been so happy with WikiBuy as I am today. Let's see what more I can save on over shopping sprees. Below are the two pairs of leggings I bought.
Once Upon A Time leggings

Under The Sea leggings

Expectations Set Too High

Expectations Set Too High

So my father and I have been butting heads a lot lately. It's rather a shame because we were getting rather close. Now that relationship has all but diminished. I think the problem is that my sister is the favorite and most productive. She goes outside with kids, she cooks and cleans, and bends over backwards for my parents. All in all, she's a major kiss-ass. My dad expects me to be just like her. She suffers from anxiety. That's it! I suffer from bipolar, anxiety, and manic depression. I will never be similar to my sister. Nor in all honesty do I want to be. I am my own person and tired of living in her shadow and being unaccepted because I don't act like my sister does. She is away on a vacation with my nephew for the next three weeks and yesterday even my 16 year old foster brother said she's privileged, acts entitled to things, and occasionally acts like she's head of the household. Even said my father shouldn't be so hard on me. It's nice at least one person sees my pain in the house. Since the 5th where I self-harmed and was escorted to the Emergency Room by a fireman squad My mom has laid off of me a bit. I guess she woke up and started noticing how miserable I really am. 

See, I take pride in the little things, getting dishes done, cleaning my room, giving myself a shower and my son a bath, doing my laundry, hell even waking up at a reasonable time. All those things I see to be big accomplishments but my parents say "That stuff is supposed to be done regularly, it's not something to be proud of" Well sorry mother and father, I struggle. besides I was raised with a silver spoon in my mouth and wasn't raised accustomed to doing those things regularly growing up. I didn't have chores growing up and I barely got disciplined. I got yelled at occasionally by my dad but I never took it seriously even though he scared the shit out of me when I was little. I was also very spoiled. I would through tantrums to get what I want and I would get it so it became the "go-to" option for me to get my way. I was a horrible child and even a worse teenager. The behavior as a teenager I take full responsibility for. I ran away all the time, would be truant from school regularly. I also engaged in risky behaviors with college guys when I was between 16 - 17 years old. and it continued into my young adult life. Now surely I can't blame my parents for everything. I am an extremely lazy person by default and lack certain values. I have an "I don't give a fuck" attitude and can be very dramatic about things. Another thing my father doesn't like is that I will defend myself. I will also make reasonable points that he will just all together toss aside because he's always right and i'm always wrong. Sorry father dearest when you're wrong you're wrong. There is no disregarding truths to make yourself right about every single situation.

Don't get me wrong, my father worked very hard for 40 years and they adopted me when I was 14 years old. He worked to make sure I had food in my stomach, clothes fit for the current weather, a roof over my head, and established a tough love regimen. He could lower his expectations of me a bit though because of what i've been through and how I was raised. Like I said I was raised lacking certain life values and my life experiences have not been easy. My sister is going to be her, me however, I am going to be me and I will never be like her so they should just accept me as the messed up person that I am because that's not going to change.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

A Big Change Will Do You Good

A Big Change Will Do You Good

With everything that's been going on in my life and my self-esteem at an all time low due to how people treat me most of the time has inspired me to at least make a physical change to boost my morale about life. I decided to book a spa day for my birthday which will include a hair cut & style, eyebrow waxing, a gel manicure, and a pedicure. The only drastic thing about this is the haircut I plan to get. I have some prominent male facial features as does Keira Knightley so I settled on a pixie haircut that she rocked wonderfully. 

I usually wear my hair long and straight down to my chest but I thought it was time for a big change so i'm going to give this a shot. Good thing hair tends to grow back right? So I scheduled my spa day for July 15th at 1 p.m. I am extremely excited for this change and hope it boosts my self-esteem a bit. It's not that I idolize this woman and want to look like her but I was really going on facial features. She has a prominent jawline and very beautiful brown eyes. I think my eyes are decent enough. sure my jawline isn't like hers but I've had short hair in the past and grew to love it because it was very easy to manage. A little hair gel to spike it and I was ready for the day! I wanted to grow my hair out even longer till it reached down my back but then I began second guessing myself. That's more of a 90's way to go and even though i'm in denial about it at times the 90's was in the past and I need to get out of it. I will be saving money for 3 weeks to have enough for everything I want done and found a reasonably priced salon and spa near where I work.

I'm a little nervous because the host on the call when I was pricing it all out at first sounded a little stuck up. I hope the rest of the personnel are a bit more welcoming and friendly. She did warm up a bit after I described how I wore my hair, it's length, and then told her I wanted a "pixie cut" she was like "oh wow, really?" in a little friendlier of a tone and then I pursued to book their services and she found a time that would work best for me and them and booked me with a male stylist who she was confident could do what I wanted.

I just need a special day to pamper and spoil myself. I'm not fortunate enough to have a man that will dote on me now but that is because I have no interest in any men or in love or romance at this point in my life. It will be rather refreshing to do something drastic. I don't know if it's because of my bi-polar disorder and I need to do something extremely crazy and impulsive like cut my hair extremely short (the last time I didn't really have a choice) or if it's just because I find shorter hair a new trend and easy to manage. Perhaps a little of both in all honesty.

My parents have no idea I plan on cutting it this short and I by no means plan to tell them for I want to make this decision on my own. Unfortunate thing about my mother is she needs to have control over everything, my father is a bit more laid back when it comes to what people want to do. So I'm already mentally preparing for my mother's negative reaction when I come home after my day at the salon. If you ever come into the money to take the first steps at finding a way to boost your self worth or self-esteem, take it. We all deserve to feel even a little bit better about ourselves because in the words of RuPaul Charles, "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Emotional Support

Emotional Support

I've had a hard life and deal with many hardships at home. I turned to an emotional support animal to help me cope. She is a silly little girl and very wild and free spirited but she does take care of me when needed. For instance, I was red in the face, sweating, and exhausted in the living room right after cleaning my and my son's bedroom. She came over to me and gave me tons of kisses all over concerned that I wasn't feeling up to par. It definitely encouraged me to write this segment. I have written two thus far about her. My experience when I had first gotten her and how she's a little pain in the ass. She is my go-to whenever i'm down and though she does drive me up the wall she's also very sweet, loving, and amusing to watch. She loves attention and the picture I added proves it. There have been many other times I've felt down and she's been there to hop on my lap and support me or just lay down next to me while i sat on the couch for me to just feel her soft fur through my fingers. It's not difficult to get an emotional support pet like my fur-baby Pessa. All you need is a letter from your psychiatrist which is free to obtain. My girl kisses my tears and always seems to know when i'm upset and won't leave my side when I am. She does silly things to try and make me smile like when she played dead on her back in her crate when I got out of the shower which made me look at her like "what the hell are you doing?" and laugh a bit while shaking my head. She's always roughing up our family dog Rilow. They play from dog up to dog down. My son likes to claim that she's his baby girl. I'm glad they love each other even though occasionally she'll go hide under the couch when he tries to catch her.

Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasures

We all have guilty pleasures but to what extreme? Music wise my guilty pleasure would have to be 2007's Hairspray musical original motion picture soundtrack. It gets me up singing and dancing every time I listen to it including on my phone with my earbuds in public. I always loved John Travolta, Zac Efron, and Queen Latifah but Michelle Pfeiffer and James Marsden pleasantly surprised me also. It's a phenomenal soundtrack, in fact i'm listening to it while writing this entry.Who doesn't like an innocent Zac Efron playing Link who is probably my favorite character but i'm getting off topic here.

Another guilty pleasure/obsession of mine would be the tv show Deadly Possessions with Ghost Adventures host Zack Bagans. I'm not crazy about Ghost Adventures. It couldn't be any less dodgy. I was hospitalized last month and discovered his other show. The episode included many haunted items and one called out to me. "The Crying Boy" portrait which won't burn as it caused many fires whenever it's owner thought ill of it. I became obsessed with this portrait it's the most beautiful portrait I've seen and am determined to get a print to call my own.

Another guilty pleasure of mine which is of a food variety is Fettuccine Alfredo. I'm not sure why I love it so much but I always tend to want it and in large portions. It's my ultimate comfort food. It's cheesy and possesses and olive oily taste it's amazing with grilled chicken and vegetables or alone with it's ultimately cheesy goodness.

Guilty pleasure movie would probably be Letters To Juliet i'm not a believer of anything "true love" but this movie gets me every time I watch it. I suppose it's a good thing I haven't watched it in a while being so cynical and all. Another one is Chocolat starring Johnny Depp and Juliette Binoche some of the scenes annoy me to no end but I still have to watch it damn near weekly to get my fix. It is another romance so it's a tad ironic that I would love it so much.

I let the skeletons out of my closet to give you a little more insight into what makes me...me. What are your guilty pleasures?

Friday, June 2, 2017

Makeup In The Military

Makeup In The Military

As you may have already guessed, I like to write about controversial topics. What are your thoughts about active military personnel wearing makeup while in uniform? The military can be extremely strict. From my history being a military spouse with an active Navy woman roommate, I was under the impression makeup wasn't allowed and hair had to be in a natural color. It could be dyed but nothing extreme and had to look natural to the person. She always went to work on base without makeup but she could mound it on when she wasn't in uniform. I was in a group on facebook for makeup lovers and a woman posted a photo that sparked an argument. She was sitting in a Humvee in uniform wearing makeup and it was noticeable she was wearing it. Winged eyeliner and lipstick. I made the comment "I didn't know active military could wear makeup" That I guess made people sensitive and I got a lot of backlash even though I also said that the woman who posted the picture was beautiful and thanked her for her service. That inspired this entry.

What do you think about women in uniform wearing makeup? I honestly find it harmless. They're out defending our country they can at least feel pretty and confident while they do. I understand you can't dye your hair blue or something they need to look professional but what professionals don't wear makeup to peak their appeal? Some of the standards the military has forced on their personnel are downright dumb. Some said they are allowed to wear makeup as long as they're neutral colors like light browns and beiges. Others said they've seen a lot of women in uniform wearing mounds of makeup or that they wear it despite the regulations by that branch of the military. One girl stated that it could vary between the branches of military. I agreed that it might be the case with the posted photo. The point was the uniformed girl just wanted to share how she looked pretty and felt good. The military should allow makeup for that reason alone. it makes their women feel better and may boost the morale within the branches of military.

It makes me think of the movie G.I. Jane with Demi Moore. She was the first woman to try out Marine training with everyone expecting her to fail. What these women go through is exhausting. Now Demi Moore who played Jordan O'Neill in the movie didn't seem the type to wear makeup and the training she went through would have completely ruined the look anyway but how hard she worked to achieve the goals set for herself when no one had faith in her makes me think of these women heroes who serve and protect every day. If they want to wear makeup damnit let them wear some!

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Puppies: Blessing Or Curse?

Puppies: Blessing Or Curse?

So April 20th, 2016 A beautiful sweet gentle puppy was born. a month later I had gotten to meet her. I bought her from a very kind woman named Tammy. This puppy was the most adorable little rollie pollie thing i'd ever laid my eyes on and I fell for her the moment I first laid eyes on her. There were two girls but she was the one I was drawn to like an inner intuition was telling me we were meant for eachother. Another woman had first pick of the girls and Tammy said she would text me later that night to tell me which of the girls would be mine. God had answered my prayers that night with a text that said "she picked the lighter of the girls, the dark one is yours" I was ecstatic to help lure my mom into agreeing to let me get her. I told my mom I would name her Principessa which is Italian for "Princess" and also the name Roberto Benigini called his fair wife in the movie Life Is Beautiful. It worked. I was eventually able to bring her home to meet our other family dog and they bonded instantly.

A year later she grew to be a huge pain in the ass. She pees and shits all over the house including on a new bed set right after I finished putting it on the bed, She chews up everything, She refuses to do her business outside. She has a little dog complex and will try to attack big dogs if she gets out and shows aggression towards any other dog aside from our other family dog, has separation anxiety at night and will bark obnoxiously until you come back, and frequently escapes into the neighbor's yards. She rarely responds to her name when she should. Overall she is a very disobedient little shithead. I had read up on her breed which is supposed to be pretty stubborn but laid back, this girl is wild! I don't know how I'm going to get her trained in any form of obedience.

She does have her cute moments though. She is very loving and likes to give kisses and desperately loves attention. She will lay next to you and motion for pets or jump onto your lap when you are feeling down. She's pretty funny too. I took a shower last night and came back to her playing dead in her crate. If only she could do that on command. She also likes to play fetch which she learned in one sitting. She's smart but extremely stupid at the same time. I love this little girl though.

playing dead in her crate night of  5/31/17

Racking Up The Expenses

Racking Up The Expenses

So i'm on Medicaid and with all my problems lately i've been racking up the expenses as it were. My Medicaid has picked up the tab all the time until I had went to the dentist yesterday. I got a cleaning done and the dentist told me his plans for my teeth. My teeth are whiter at least but the rest makes you shit yourself when you think of how everything is considered "cosmetic" and won't be paid for by your insurance. The plan you may ask? He wants me to get a Night Guard because apparently I grind my teeth in my sleep. You'd think "well that's not too bad" but wait, there's more! He also wants to put a splint in my jaw that will correct my horrible overbite. There's also the fact that he may require me to wear braces if I can't get those invisalign caps to gradually straighten out my teeth. 

Why did my Medicaid have to make my dentist a cosmetic dentist? So you could only guess what is going on in his head... "I can do this, this, and this to make her smile more physically appealing" I really hope he's nice enough to set up a payment plan with me. I'm going to do it because maybe having better teeth will make me happier and more self confident. At the same time though, wearing braces is going to suck! I sure won't have much confidence then. I am too old for braces. In my eyes that's a monumental teenager milestone. Alas, the day I can get them removed will be amazing. He was impressed that there was barely any tarter on my teeth but I also have to get four cavities filled. Luckily my insurance will cover that thank God.

I can at least be happy that my teeth are whiter thanks to activated charcoal powder. The dental hygienist said to only use it once a week or even only once a month because it has additives in it that will destroy your teeth's enamel. She did however ask me where she could find it. She was from India and apparently that stuff is really all they brush with there because they don't have toothpaste. I'm looking forward to a better smile but can't say i'm enthused about getting the bill. My mom said "Soon you'll be oweing the world money." Isn't that what taxes are? So now I owe $30 a month on two credit cards, $82 a month from financing my new laptop online, and soon we can add dental to the list. Oyi