Friday, June 9, 2017

Expectations Set Too High

Expectations Set Too High


So my father and I have been butting heads a lot lately. It's rather a shame because we were getting rather close. Now that relationship has all but diminished. I think the problem is that my sister is the favorite and most productive. She goes outside with kids, she cooks and cleans, and bends over backwards for my parents. All in all, she's a major kiss-ass. My dad expects me to be just like her. She suffers from anxiety. That's it! I suffer from bipolar, anxiety, and manic depression. I will never be similar to my sister. Nor in all honesty do I want to be. I am my own person and tired of living in her shadow and being unaccepted because I don't act like my sister does. She is away on a vacation with my nephew for the next three weeks and yesterday even my 16 year old foster brother said she's privileged, acts entitled to things, and occasionally acts like she's head of the household. Even said my father shouldn't be so hard on me. It's nice at least one person sees my pain in the house. Since the 5th where I self-harmed and was escorted to the Emergency Room by a fireman squad My mom has laid off of me a bit. I guess she woke up and started noticing how miserable I really am. 

See, I take pride in the little things, getting dishes done, cleaning my room, giving myself a shower and my son a bath, doing my laundry, hell even waking up at a reasonable time. All those things I see to be big accomplishments but my parents say "That stuff is supposed to be done regularly, it's not something to be proud of" Well sorry mother and father, I struggle. besides I was raised with a silver spoon in my mouth and wasn't raised accustomed to doing those things regularly growing up. I didn't have chores growing up and I barely got disciplined. I got yelled at occasionally by my dad but I never took it seriously even though he scared the shit out of me when I was little. I was also very spoiled. I would through tantrums to get what I want and I would get it so it became the "go-to" option for me to get my way. I was a horrible child and even a worse teenager. The behavior as a teenager I take full responsibility for. I ran away all the time, would be truant from school regularly. I also engaged in risky behaviors with college guys when I was between 16 - 17 years old. and it continued into my young adult life. Now surely I can't blame my parents for everything. I am an extremely lazy person by default and lack certain values. I have an "I don't give a fuck" attitude and can be very dramatic about things. Another thing my father doesn't like is that I will defend myself. I will also make reasonable points that he will just all together toss aside because he's always right and i'm always wrong. Sorry father dearest when you're wrong you're wrong. There is no disregarding truths to make yourself right about every single situation.

Don't get me wrong, my father worked very hard for 40 years and they adopted me when I was 14 years old. He worked to make sure I had food in my stomach, clothes fit for the current weather, a roof over my head, and established a tough love regimen. He could lower his expectations of me a bit though because of what i've been through and how I was raised. Like I said I was raised lacking certain life values and my life experiences have not been easy. My sister is going to be her, me however, I am going to be me and I will never be like her so they should just accept me as the messed up person that I am because that's not going to change.

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