Manic Episode At It's End

Manic Episode At It's End

For Four days I was feeling happy. I was feeling good about myself and getting a lot done. I was picking up things around the house constantly, doing dishes, showering, making beds, washing various loads of laundry, even took my son to the library and/or playground every day. It began to slow down yesterday. I got my bed set in the dryer, remade my bed with other bed sheets, and got the dishes done. but then I started to feel weighed down and extremely sluggish. I wasn't on top of my laundry Like I had been the rest of the week. and I was sitting constantly. I didn't take my son anywhere that day and also felt really bad about myself. It's Thursday now and my bed sheets are still in the dryer a long with a load of clothes idling wet in the washer. I hate the way I feel now. My psychiatrist had told me it could be one of two things, a manic episode, or my true self not under the binds of depression. I was hoping so much I wasn't depressed anymore but my wish unfortunately didn't come true.

I have to fight it though and get things accomplished. I know I just need to take it step by step but the way I felt about myself during my manic episode was so empowering and I felt rather satisfied with how things were going. For once I had some leeway with my parents. They respected me for that short amount of time and even voiced they were proud of me. I am afraid to let them down again. I'm afraid to have to tell them that it was just a manic phase and now it's over and that things are going to go back to how they once were.

I am tired, not physically but mentally with this daily battle with bi-polar type 2 depression. They say Tired can mean Torn, Insecure, Ruined, Emotional, Depressed. That is clearly my case. As I mentioned I feel weighed down as if there is an anvil inside my body and in my mind dropping with the strong force of gravity. I know some of you can feel this way too. It's a royal buzz kill. Everyday i'm going to take a step to get something accomplished and fight my depression in hopes it will give me back that feeling of euphoria and self-satisfaction. I might not be self compliant or willing to do those things in my usual state but I assure you I will be able to feel proud and say "this is what i've got done today"

I have to hope it will get better and easier in time. For now I suppose I should just be happy that in whatever state i'm in I shower daily and brush my teeth. I go to work on weekdays, I don't sleep all day for my son's sake. It's just me after all. I don't have a significant other to pick up the slack for me. I have my parents but I still can't just sleep all day. So those should be considered a feat in itself. I want more out of life though. I want happiness, I want to feel good about myself, I want relationships with my parents to keep improving, I want to be more like my sister who does so much around the house. What I don't want is to feel useless and worthless, to disappoint family, to revert back to my normal self. This battle will be never-ending which is most mental illness states.

"We shall overcome, We shall overcome, We shall overcome someday"