This Girl's Life: A Blog

Better Off

A Poem to A Deadbeat Father

Better off without your neglect,

Better off no disrespect.

Better off you don’t know your son.

Better off to him, you’re no one.

Better off not knowing you,

Better off you are gone too.

Better off not caught in your lies,

Better off I’ve learned to despise.

Better off your son doesn’t know,

Better off if he continues to grow.

Better off not caught up in charm,

Better off you don’t alarm.

Better off it stays this way,

Better off you keep away.

Better off you don’t live near,

Better off you don’t severe.

Better off you’re with your truck,

Better off you have little luck.

Better off I don’t want you,

Better off there’s not much to do.

Better off in a different bed you lay,

Better off your son doesn’t want you one day.

Better off he remains unaware,

Better off you don’t care.

Better off you leave us be,

Better off that we remain free.

Better off that you don’t stay,

Better off that things are okay.

Better off you don’t come around,

Better off you don’t make a sound.

Better off he grows up without you,

Better off you have nothing to do.

Better off you’re not there,

Better off no pain to bare.

Better off that you are gone,

Better off our son and I are strong.

Better off he doesn’t know you,

Better off I too am done with you.

Better off it stays like this,

Better off you’re not ours, Chris.

Turned Out For The Best

Everything managed to sort itself out. I did get the money back from the scam even though I didn't notice and went to the bank to figure it out. I had money to put on my credit card and had not concluded where it had came from. I was able to make a few purchases, My favorite tv show Stargate SG-1 seasons 1-4 out of 10, and a the novel Horns by Joe Hill which I've already read once but have been eager to read again.

I had to pay overdrawn funds in my checking account but figured out how to pay that money back as well as milking my braces fund to discover I had about $36.00 extra dollars I could spend. I bought a couple Monster energy drinks, Reese's for my son, and a small pack of Extreme Sour Sour Patch Kids for myself. I also spent 2 dollars on DVDs from the library that were on sale for $0.50 each.

Turns out, I will be getting my braces on the 8th of August instead of after the 18th and I can pay cash for the down payment. I've been taking out my payment money and keeping it in an envelope so I know not to spend it. I no longer use my savings account due to all the fees they charge. I am excited to be getting my smile renovated so to speak. It'll be painful at first, but worth it at the end. As they say, no pain no gain!

The last thing that needs to go right is getting a job interview at the local library as a Circulation Assistant. There were 75 applicants so my hope is all near dead. I call and don't get a returned call or an answer from the Human Resources Department. I suppose I should just keep my fingers crossed for the best outcome with that.

The best thing to happen is that it is Friday and I have a 3 day weekend coming up. I hope I can get some reading done and triumph over the never ending laundry in hopes to maintain my productivity. I have been slacking lately. My aunt is also providing my family with dinner tomorrow. It would be really nice to see her since she and I have grown closer.

I have high hopes that this weekend will be a good one. I'll get to stay up late, sleep in late, and there shouldn't be much trouble from my son since his laptop and headphones came in the mail the evening before yesterday. Even though I didn't discover it until the next morning as I was heading out to work. I got that set up for him as soon as I got home. Got all the programs he wanted installed on it aside from Minecraft which he's not getting anytime soon.

I Still Love You Though

A Poem for My Oldest Son

I still love you though I gave you away,

I still love you though I was not there to stay.

I still love you though by my sister, you are raised,

I still love you, you deserve praise.

I still love you though you're a pain in my butt,

I still love you even though not keeping you was in my gut.

I still love you though you only play games,

I still love you though I walk along lames.

I still love you when you think I am funny,

I still love you when you're sweet as honey.

I still love you though you're spoiled,

I still love you though my aggravation can be toiled.

I still love you though you like to annoy me.

I still love you though since your spirit is free.

I still love you through everything that happens,

I still love you sometimes it gladdens.

I still love you though you grew up quick,

I still love you even when I am sick.

I still love you though you are no longer mine,

I still love you through rain or shine.

I still love you when you throw snow

I still love you when it's time to go.

I still love you when you put me at ease,

I still love you when you don't say please.

I still love you though I'm no longer your mom,

I still love you, you are the bomb.

I still love you until my dying day,

I will still love you when my life slips away.

I'm So Sorry

A Poem for my Middle Son

I'm so sorry for leaving you behind,

I'm so sorry for my mental decline.

I'm so sorry for not being there for you,

I'm so sorry for not showing this is true.

I'm so sorry you had to go,

I'm so sorry for not being in the know.

I'm so sorry for not easing your pain,

I'm so sorry for being in disdain.

I'm so sorry for not doing the raising,

I'm so sorry to keep the confusion blazing.

I'm so sorry if you think I don't love you,

I'm so sorry I had no clue.

I'm so sorry I hadn't kept you with me,

I'm so sorry the hardships you've had to see.

I'm so sorry you've had to watch me cry,

I'm so sorry you have endured a lie.

I'm so sorry you were robbed a carefree childhood,

I'm so sorry, I would take it all back if I could.

I'm so sorry you're caught in this storm,

I'm so sorry you will never see the true norm.

I'm so sorry I wasn't the best,

I'm so sorry, you were never a pest.

I'm so sorry if you feel a burden,

I'm so sorry if you've never felt a guerdon.

I'm so sorry I can't say this in person,

I'm so sorry, but I've learned my lesson.

I'm so sorry I can't bring you back,

I'm so sorry that fighting I lack.

I'm so sorry i'm such a mess,

I'm so sorry if you have to stress.

I'm so sorry things gone this way,

I'm so sorry that's all I can say.

The Way You Changed Me

A Poem

Ex-Husband, All I can say is I despise you,

Your abusiveness was all too true.

You lied and you have cheated on me,

But I can finally say I've been set free.

You were an extremely abusive prick,

and when I look at you now it makes me sick.

I was in tangled in your charming act,

but you choked me out which was a horrible tact.

You tricked me into falling for you but that was a joke,

We had a child and lies you had spoke.

You try to replace me with your new women.

when he realizes the truth, you won't be forgiven.

I am no longer that weak little girl,

I have grown stronger not in your whirl.

I know the signs now and what to avoid,

I can only guess you're actually unemployed.

I almost feel sorry for the sad girls you trick,

eventually they'll find out you're really a dick.

You are a womanizer at best,

there is a hate for you deep down in my chest.

The way you mistreated my sons,

I hope you will meet your fate with guns.

I could never hate as much as I hate you,

That I can guarantee to be true.

You will come back to me if it doesn't work out,

but you'll fool me no more for that's not what i'm about.

To every single word, a thorn in my side,

think of you, I will no longer bide.

To myself I must stay strong,

for being with you, it would be wrong.

I will never, ever, want you back,

even if self-respect I completely lack.

I hope you die the way your father did,

abused the wrong daddy's girl and hid.

Really this is all I can say,

I hope karma gets you one day.

Hopes For A Better Day

Yesterday I've dealt with cruelty from some of my birth relatives and a break-up, That previous night into early morning I was cleaning up my son's vomit. I ended yesterday with lunch at my 2nd favorite burrito place Qdoba and ordered a few things for myself to cheer myself up. Along with supportive words from friends which I always find comfort in.

Today I got up, drank my coffee, and headed to work. At one of the bus stops most of the men waited for all the women to board first which was a nice and appreciated gesture. It had made my day a little brighter. I'm at work now and i'm here until 2pm. It's food truck day and lately I've been ordering the Stuffed Grape Leaves. I don't know why, but i'm the only one in the office that likes them. It's a good amount for $5.00

A couple of my DVD sets shipped out and this morning I discovered two packages for me from Dell on the front porch. Must be the headset and laptop I ordered for my son. I can't wait for him to see his surprise. I kept it well hidden for when he asked me to buy him a laptop I kept telling him he's not getting no damn laptop even though I already secretly ordered one for him. He's a spoiled brat truly!

I have hopes that today is going to be a good day. I'll get to go home and unveil my son's surprises to him. His face will be priceless and i'll finally get my SIMS headphones back. Tomorrow's Friday and i'll have a 3 day weekend which i'm always thankful for so I will keep that in mind. I also discovered my favorite television show is actually still airing on a channel even though it's already on season 3. I added that to the DVR for me to enjoy and I also watched it's origin movie last night, Stargate. It was a great end to a bad day.

Cruel Family

Now I have a fair share of family that love me, both adopted and biological. But last night I had gotten some cruel post comments on facebook from my birth mother's brother. I don't even know why. I checked on him the other day to see how he was doing and been nothing but kind. I'm pretty sure it was my uncle's wife meddling on his account because it was so random, cruel, and out of nowhere. My aunt has always been hateful to me ever since I made it into adulthood. Always dictating what I said and my pictures and ultimately being downright cruel to me. i'm going to post a couple of the comments below.

First of all, I believe I posted this on my own timeline so if I cuss that's my own damn right and privilege to.

Though this one seems a tad more supportive they are merely hinting at how nobody likes me.

Other things that were said that I didn't screenshot in time was that I had gotten HUGE on my selfie album and also "all deals are about 5 dollars so don't flatter yourself" on a post I made with a picture of a monster and saying how I think the Kroger's cashier was subtly flirting with me and also stated how I may have been mistaken though. What difference does it make if he was or not? I was engaging in self-confidence only to be shot down like a bird by my own blood. Since it was so random and cruel, i'm assuming it was his wife. After the comments were posted I was blocked. She always did have a stick up her ass and was always judgmental and cruel. She and a couple of her daughters, minus my youngest cousin, They all think they're better than everyone else.

This verbal abuse has gone far enough. I am able to be confident in myself when I want to be. I don't need anyone dragging me down and honestly that was the topping on the sundae for me. I had already had a rough two days. First I wasn't invited to an employee party so I stayed at my desk and did absolutely nothing productive that would benefit them, Next, as I checked my phone after work I had 20 missed calls for people looking for some guy named William plus 3 other calls of the same instance after work, Then last night my son threw up chocolate all over his bed set and I had to hurry into the bathroom at 1 in the morning to rinse it all in the bath tub and then get it to the clothes washer in a timely manner so the vomit wouldn't stain his pricey Cleveland Cavaliers bed set. This morning I wake up to find those comments and the guy I was talking serious with told me he just wanted to be friends and sealed it with a heart so I blocked him.

The moral of the story here is to never be cruel to anyone. You never know how bad of a day they may be having or what they're going through. Also, be supportive of your family. Blood or not they're all you have. Treat others how you wish to be treated.

Dad

You always showed me true tough love,

perhaps in reality you were my angel from above.

You were always hard on me to do my best,

but telling me what I needed to hear, my life was a test.

We didn't always see eye to eye,

but as I matured, you were my go-to guy.

From you I learned to change oil in a car,

since I don't drive, that info won't go very far.

You were proud of me when I got my job,

And even more when I stopped being a slob.

I love how you spend time with my youngest son,

You have no idea, I appreciate it a ton.

I know you were only grumpy because you cared,

but at times it made me rather scared.

you have done what my birth father could not,

You've given me a life worth a fighting shot.

I love you dearly I hope you know,

I trust our relationship will continue to grow.

You ask and not demand me to do things now,

I comply happily, but at times raise my brow.

Now I see you just want me to succeed,

to be humble and not overcome by greed.

You are my daddy, the one and only,

With a family like ours, we are never lonely.

You raised me right and for that I am proud,

so to show my gratitude, I say it out loud.

I love you to heaven and earth and back,

A sense at life, I've got a knack

Mom

You took me in when I had nowhere to go,

Your love for me quickly did grow.

You couldn't lose me or it'd break your heart,

So you fought hard to keep me, you did more than your part.

While I was young you gave all the love you could,

to make sure I had a carefree and happy childhood.

You dealt with the pain as I grew up,

You were there for me for every last hiccup.

You saw the birth of two of my three children,

I ended up not being such a burden.

You wiped my tears whenever I cried,

you saw right through me whenever I lied.

You are the best mom a girl to wish for,

I am more like you stubborn and caring down to the core.

We have similar tastes in movies, that's great,

You always wanted to know details of an upcoming date.

You took me out to eat during a bad storm,

I kinda wish I had your talent in art form.

You never gave up on me even when you should,
You had raised me to be the best that I could.

I grew up responsible, I grew up with compassion,

I hope I could give your life some satisfaction.

I know I'm not perfect by any means,

but you try to see the best in me given my genes.

I love you with all of my heart,

In this world I hope we never part.

I depend on you with much of my life,

While you watched my struggles and my strife.

We can joke and we can cry,

But we'll always be mom and daughter, by and by

Father

When I was younger you tried your best,

You took your parenting to the ultimate test.

You weren't ready for me and I can see why,

your dreams came first and they were sky high.

You wrote Rita a letter once with a thank you,

Sad to say now i'd rather not know you.

You used my life as a revolving door,

coming and going as you pleased left me bitter and sore.

I may look like you but I am nothing like you were,

and for that i'm thankful that I am sure.

But i'm not here to hate you and only forgive,

for I have you to thank so I may live.

As though you did try it came to a halt,

but I am only your daughter by default.

I texted you once to see how you were doing,

you asked me who I was and an anger was brewing.

I felt replaced by your trophy daddy's little girl,

you didn't know better but it made my skin curl.

I try to reach out to you no more,

so my wind of emotions can no longer be tore.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your days,

for disowning is a must, you had us in a daze.

but i'm not here to hate you, I just speak the truth,

you were a good father, but only in my youth.

You don't know your grand children and that is quite okay,

For they won't have to endure what I did one day.

So I will leave this here and say my final goodbye,

you have your life to live, as do I.

Mother

A Poem For You

Mother, You gave me life,
One day to be a mother and wife.
You didn't want grand kids because it made you feel old,
You soon to love them truth be told.
You'd take their pictures and print them out,
but you've never met them, therefore I pout.
We've had lots of memories to share,
I may have been adopted but all you could do was care.
We had a water fight during one of our visits,
While watering your garden we heard crickets.
You tried to teach my sis and I how to dance,
We looked like idiots but gave it a chance.
You married Roger and I was your maid of honor,
I was glad to see you with a better father.
You deserve happiness, the sun on a rainy day,
You were a great mother what else could I say?
We had our laughs and we had our tears,
even though we didn't speak for some years.
You had a Taz plush and I said that's how dad kissed,
We both died of laughter that day and it will be missed.
You saved our pictures and all of our money,
I'm gonna want that one day, don't forget mommy.
One day you will get to meet the kids,
but until then they'll act like pigs.
I am just as stubborn and hard headed,
when your day comes that will be dreaded.
You tried your best and that's all you could do,
I will forever and ever love you.

Pushed Back

Thanks to the robbing scam event that occurred on my birthday, I had to use my Braces money to cover my overdraft money from my account. That consisted of $159.95 that was hard earned and hard saved for my braces down payment. I had to reschedule my appointment to start treatment for a later date. I worked hard on my budget to configure how i'll save up all that money again.

I thought I would have to save up until after the 18th of August. but I tweaked at it long enough to discover that if I take out the payments to be saved up in cash and not touch that money, I will have it saved up by August 8th. I had called the dentist's office and asked whether it had to be on a card or if I could pay in cash. They seemed to rather pleasantly respond that cash payment was accepted. I think they were happy to hear that because they'd get the money instantly and it would be money in their pockets. It also helps me because I decided no longer to use my saving account.

I had filed a claim with the bank and went to the nearby branch to ask the teller a couple questions. I had asked them if the money would be refunded if my fraud case went through. She said "yes" and after explaining the situation she encouraged me that I had a strong case and had a high chance of getting my money back since I had explained to the operator the situation. It was mainly true facts that I had released to the woman on the phone. sure I didn't tell them I voluntarily put in my credit card info when I got scammed, but the two truths to it were, My computer was hacked and my credit card information had been stored in the browser for easy purchases. I will never store my credit card info to Google Chrome ever again.

I don't know how long it will take, but I do know what I will do with that extra money, Pay off some of my Dell credit and pay some money towards my other credit card that I've been milking for more than it's worth (oops!) I just hope for the best outcome. I believe I had a pretty strong case and that it will work out for the best.

Port Clinton

Port Clinton, Ohio is near Sandusky. It is a rather small town and Downtown is full of older buildings. I love Port Clinton. Tons of water, Old surroundings. It's just like those small tight knit towns in the movies but you can find water everywhere due to it being right along Lake Erie. Our family has a summer (Mobile) home at the Portage View Campground that we enjoy visiting. We actually stayed a couple nights this past weekend. There's swimming at the beach, fishing, boating, and taking in the beautiful surroundings. There's many lighthouses in the area as well. It would be a nice place to raise a family except for the fact there is no bus service out there.

I personally fancy the old town district of downtown Port Clinton as well as their local Library. It's rather small but there are puppets and tablets for the kids to play with in the children's section as well as a pretty beach themed room. They occasionally let my son play with the ceiling fans in that room and I am calmed by the wall paintings.of beach and flying seagulls.

The nearest Grocery store is about 5 miles away. It is a Kroger's which my family used to enjoy whenever we spent a week in West Virginia during the springtime for the Easter holiday. We would say, whenever we went there, it was called "Krogering" They have a small gas station affiliated with them and we often get points and some change off our gas purchases.

I think last weekend the cashier was subtly flirting with me by not ringing up my purchase at full price. Or maybe i'm mistaken. there was a 3 for $5 sale on the Monster Energy drinks and he only made me pay $3.65 for 2. As I thought, if you're not taking up the deal of 3 then they'd charge you full price per item. He subtracted the difference. Still, it was a good deal considering for the two I paid for, you could only get one large one back in Cleveland.

My son went swimming with my former foster brother and his cousin daily. He loves the water so much. He wanted to go multiple times a day and every time he came back he would hop in the shower to get warm even though it was about 80 degrees inside our 2nd home. That was just his excuse to get another water fix.

While my son swam I enjoyed doing things around the home such as the dishes, swept up the living areas, cleaned up the bathroom, and would read a bit in between times. The last morning I had to make the bed my son and I slept on that former evening which was a huge pain in the ass. It's pushed up against the wall and I would have to scoot it away to fix the other side the push it back against the wall. The two bedrooms are very small indeed as well as the kitchen area while the living area is townhouse sized.

Portage View campgrounds have a swimming pool, A small play area, docks by the water, little lighthouses on both ends of said docking area, Horse Shoes game set up, and even a cottage house that they use as the office as well as for various events that has a pool table inside. They call it the "play house". you can usually hear and sometimes see the trains track on pass a couple miles away which my son always enjoys and runs outside to see.

We first heard of this area by our Cleveland Heights neighbors Joe and Susan. They also very often go out there and are the ones who renovated our mobile home and sold it to us. My mother and sister did most of the interior work on it. Painting and picking out all the furniture. I am the one who purchased the sound system and my brother purchased the TV and the DVD player.

The one thing that annoys me is when my former foster brothers or even my nephew just have to bring their electronics with them. The reception sucks so there's really no purpose in having a cellphone with you and the campground's Wi-Fi is terrible so you can't connect to the internet anyway, and their Play Stations are annoying as well because no one else can use the television when they're playing games all damn day long from sun up to sun down. I prefer it without the internet or reception honestly. You aren't glued to your phones, computers, or video games and don't have to really worry about being bothered with calls or texts.

There's so much to do there from landmarks to restaurants to little local shops. The beaches are nice as well as the local playground. The library is a nice place like I have mentioned. There's also bird watching which I haven't done yet but is very popular in the area. It's definitely worth a visit if you're into history and such.

RIP Chester Bennington

I have mixed emotions about the passing of Linkin' Park's lead singer. It varies from heartbreak and sadness to resentment and anger. I have always loved Linkin' Park and their music. It's gotten me through a ton of hard times in my life where I've felt lost in my own head as well as a person. He will always be remembered.

For years, Chester has been battling his own demons in his head and needed to permanently end the pain and suffering from his depression. After his good friend Chris Cornell's passing in May, Chester fell into a deep dark depression that they are suspecting played a large role into his suicide. He had tried calling out for help for these burdens on various radio talk shows. I just watched one interview on Kiis FM. 102.7 Which is based out of Los Angeles, California. He discussed the demons in his head and the extremely dark place they guided him to. He could only put up a normal act for so long before these voices overwhelmed him. Most of his music is based off the crazy emotions he and his band mates were going through and being as it were, made them a very strong and popular band.

As you can tell from their music it was very dark and mainly depressing but spoke volumes to their fans. It was easy to relate to on so many levels. In The end, Shadow of The Day, Numb they all had strongly executed back stories of fighting with your own mind and being isolated. Fans of many ages are grieving over this tragic loss of a great singer and overall compassionate human being.

Linkin' Park was first brought together in 1996 and released their first EP Xero in 1997. Their most recent album One More Light had just been released 2 days prior to Chester's untimely demise. You'd think with such a successful resume you would be thrilled but Chester battled with himself for too long he just couldn't handle the cruel world anymore. Chester left behind a beautiful wife as well as 6 amazing children. My thoughts are with them in this time of mourning. The world is short another great person. Suicide is not a joke, If you're feeling suicidal, seek help right away. You have so much to live for. Suicide isn't a temporary thing death is permanent you are gone and there for only alive in your loved one's hearts. You will carry on in spirit only. Don't add that final notch to your belt. Don't be remembered as a person who ended yourself. reach out and help yourself.

My Son

This is a self-typed poem to my little boy. I love you Tristan!

My Son

My son, your birth made me whole,

your sadness which would take it's toll.

Your face was gentle, that of a doll,

you are my youngest, love you most of all.

At birth your eyes were as grey as a stone,

a gentle touch, fragile to the bone.

Your eyes turned as blue as the sky,

don't ask me how for i'll never say why.

How fast you grew as years passed,

yet my love for you will forever last.

You threw your food but loved your bath,

you are a stubborn butt and I would feel your wrath.

I named you Stinky Butt and the name held true,

as you were potty trained not much left to do.

You play with phones which is somewhat bad,

but I think of all the fun times to be had.

You have always liked to run and play,

especially on a warm spring day.

I saw your first steps and when you would run,

all the great memories under the sun.

When it rained you'd love to watch,

as water was always top notch.

You often whine and show your anger,

yet you'd never stray from being kind to a stranger.

You love your friend Adam with all of your heart,

even though he feels miles apart.

Once upon a time you were an oven's bun,

you are my beautiful baby boy, my son.

-Sel B.

Jim Carrey

I first saw Jim Carrey on tv in the 90's on the show In Living Color. He was around 28 years old when he had his role in the show. My brother and I bonded over the comedian admiring his talent to do crazy things. He once had his hair in pigtails and wore a micro bikini on set for a sketch and I died of laughter. My brother and I would watch all of his films from Dumb and Dumber to The Mask, To Ace Ventura.

He's always been a hilariously brilliant comic. He would do stand-up comedy in clubs when he was younger and then got the casting to In Living Color where he portrayed many memorable sketch characters. My favorite movie with him is probably Liar Liar. I thought it was genius and even watched the behind the scenes features like the blooper reel. He had everyone on set shaking their heads and bellowing out in a laughter that was true joy. The Truman Show comes in a close second though. It was his first drama and he owned the part.

My least favorite of his roles was probably Andy Kaufman in Man On The Moon. Don't get me wrong, Jim was completely hate able in that film as was intended because I genuinely hated Andy's humor. But still, Jim proceeded with the role to the best of his abilities and did a great job making the role his own. Not his most memorable work of art but that just might be my hate for Andy Kaufman talking.

He even filmed a suspense/ psychological thriller The Number 23. He was also rather brilliant in that too. I never knew he had a serious bone in his body considering his claim to fame is from his impersonations, facial expressions, and body language. He has pure talent as well.

So Jim Carrey is going through a rough time as of late ever since his long-time girlfriend's suicide. Now he'll be going on trial for the assist of manslaughter. Sure he had the pills but that doesn't mean he was giving them to her in which case I hope they find him not guilty. He needs his fans support more than ever now that he's not in a happy place. I've loved him all my life to the point he's my main celebrity crush now and forever more. I once thought. "Maybe I can work along side of him one day and see in person how amazing this man is" At one point I wanted to be an actress in comedies. Along with the wit of Adam Sandler.

Please comment your support for Jim Carrey in this tough time in his life and let him know we're always fans and there for him.

Jealousy

I have been jealous of my sister for a very long time, probably ever since I entered my teenage years. She always seemed to be the favorite and the most up and coming of the family. She had cute boyfriends, a promising job that she excelled at, My parents pride. I'm pretty much the black sheep of my family. It is obvious that my parents don't favor me at all. My sister gets away with way more than I do and I try to confront my parents about it but they claim she isn't the favorite.

Let me give a couple examples. First enough she can say anything she wants to me and my foster brothers and no one bats an eye. If I were to try to control my foster brother's behaviors my parents will say "We're the primary adults here we'll take care of it" My sister tends to be kind of a bitch and my foster brothers don't like her very much because of it. I treat my oldest foster brother who is 16 as my equal. I engage in mature conversations with him and express pride in the things he does for me like give my son time at the playground or let him on his personal computer. He loves to play with my son and he's even said once in a joking manner "that's MY son" Alas this topic isn't about my foster brother.

Another example is my sister gets away with murder. She can go to our vacation home alone while needing a ride there and back because she doesn't drive leaving her kid to be taken care of by everyone else. This kid has a silver spoon in his mouth I swear to God. She will also extend her stays. It's all "oh, i'll be home this day" then when that day comes "Oh, can I stay a day or two longer?" She had gotten mad at me for expecting people to watch my kid so I can go places. My sister has to go just about everywhere my mom goes. To the store, to the bank, even to the summer home. Might I add the summer home is about a 1 hour 45 minute drive one way.

She often talks trash about me and criticizes me constantly. When I say one bad thing about her I get yelled at. This is a true story. When me and my mom got into a fight I said "I know, Mary's your favorite especially since she's up your butt all the time. Whenever I see her it's all "Where's mom?" "who's mom talking to?" Like damn sis, get off her case! I don't get invited anywhere. I go to work and go home. That's the extent of my travel or outings unless I walk my ass to where I want to go or take a bus 80% of the time except for most doctor's appointments.

Since I became more or less extremely productive, my dad hasn't been getting on my case much anymore and tends to open up to me as well as I to him. I once told him how my sister tends to be money hungry because she has gotten on me about my child support payments quite a few time including the other day when I got scammed. She was worried I wasn't gonna pay it that month. Why should she worry? because she gets that money for her son who is biologically mine.

She doesn't have a job anymore and lives off disability that she doesn't even need anymore. She is more than able to hold a job, she's just gotten lazy and comfortable living off the Government. I have a job, I'm productive now and I don't even drink anymore while my sister sits around watching TV on her ass all day or reads. She's a binge drinker and when she drinks she gets mean and demanding not caring who it affects. Yet, She's still the favorite. My mom seems to be blinded by her favoritism of my sister she doesn't see that my sister isn't perfect. Or will enable and make up excuses for her when she's being a cunt. She's quick to defend my sister in any and all circumstances but will let lose the pack of wolves on me.

It's just not right and my best friend damn well knows what's really going on and it infuriates her to the max. Why can't I get some slack? My mom now yells at me for finishing the dishes when she was no where near them by assuming I did them by hand when in reality I loaded the dishwasher. She yells at me when I say anything bad about my sister when I occasionally hear them both criticizing and trash talking me. No matter how hard I try to please my mom it's just never enough for her. I honestly stopped giving a shit what my sister says to me but I will call her out on her bullshit and confront her when I hear her talking shit behind my back. She does that to everyone yet she's still this perfect daughter.

I have no idea why I can't just get over it. My mom and I were so close for years and then at some point it just disappeared. My mom often gets mad that I confide in my father more these days and that our relationship has improved. My dad will occasionally defend me to my mom and my mom will yell at him even more. I should at least have one person on my side through all this bullshit that goes on. my sister gets all the love, where's mine?

Forgotten

I've officially learned to hate my job. I have been forgotten on two occasions. A while back there was Administrative Assistant Appreciation Day where I was included in all the surprise planning emails. I am in fact and Administrative Assistant at work. It was a bumming blow that they didn't include me in the surprise. A couple co-workers came over to me and I said, It's not a surprise for me, I was included in all the emails." Their faces dropped completely with "Oh My God!" looks on their faces. They tried to brush it off and celebrate me too so I let it go as Elsa from Frozen was known for. Like Elsa I never really forgot it and remained a little cold.

Yesterday was my birthday. I walked into work like I do every Tuesday with a positive attitude, at least what i'm capable of. That was short lived however. I greeted the other Administrative Assistant and indicated my weekend which included my birthday. She gasped in shock and wished me a happy birthday. Thanks but since everyone else is remembered for their special days, why aren't I? My boss came in and greeted me. She later asked how I was and I responded with a sarcastic "fine." I am extremely bummed that I have been forgotten again. I miss my old boss Terry a lot. She never forgot my birthday and baked up a special cake just for my day. It really meant a lot to me that she would take so much care in including me in the job's affairs.

I can't get over how low I feel. How can I be forgotten like that so easily? Do they not care or something? I don't even want to be here right now and i'm doing damn near nothing productive for them today. I'm crushed. I feel excluded by their actions and now feel like I don't belong here. I hope I get the job at the library. I will fall into the routine rather quickly whether or not birthdays are celebrated amung the staff there. If they're going to celebrate other staff's birthdays in the department at work they could at least try to remember mine. This is very depressing.

My Birthday

My birthday was yesterday and I turned 29 years young. I woke up pretty early even though I was intending to sleep in a while. the morning started out with a few birthday wishes from my friends on Facebook. My sister asked me if I would like her to make Dutch Baby Pancakes for breakfast in which case I said "Sure but I probably won't be able to eat a whole one. They're actually pretty big and I ended up only eating a half of one. My mother gave me my first gift. It was a new outfit of a nice top and a pair of jean shorts which were really nice because they weren't short shorts that i'd have to wear leggings under.

After that my birthday made a downward turn. I got a call from "Microsoft" and they hacked my PC and robbed me of $159.95 for a "protection plan" I agreed expecting my debit card to decline but it went through anyway. I had to switch my braces money into my checking account to avoid a $37 overdraw fee. Not only did that happen but from switching money from accounts I also got hit with two transfer fees of $15 each which left me $15 short of my Child Support money. I told my mom and sister what happened. My mom made me feel like a fool for not telling her while it was happening and my sister was more worried about whether or not I was going to pay my Child Support money that month. As if she can not be money hungry for a few minutes.

I called my brother on his thoughts about the event and he told me "you were fucking scammed" and told me what I should do next. I called my bank to complain about the fees that It was bullshit. I went off on the bank operator thanks to my bad morning but did apologize to her at the end of the call. Luckily they refunded one of the 2 fees. Next I called Dell to find out how I can stop the hacking that was still in progress and I ended up having to factory reset my laptop losing all my downloaded movies as well as the custom content for my PC games.

I then called back the bank to claim a credit fraud report. I think it'll have a positive outcome because the details were mainly true. My PC was hacked and I did have my credit card information saved into my browser. I also had to cancel my braces appointment at the dentist and that I would call back when I had the funds available for the down payment. That will be around August 18th so not too bad of a blow. I learned my lesson greatly that day and will no longer be sucked into such a scam. The worst thing as even though they took advantage of me, they had the audacity to wish me a happy birthday.

Due to my frustration, my mom let me open another gift which was a beautiful rose gold colored choker necklace. Unfortunately, it didn't fit around my thick neck so she went out to buy a chain extender. I was comforted by all the Facebook birthday wishes and a couple by my family. My birth mom, 2 birth uncles, and a birth aunt all wished me a happy birthday. Even a couple of my adoptive siblings wished me one in texts aside from my adoptive parents, my sister, and my one brother who all got to send me wishes in person.

My brother volunteered to take my son to the library while I worked with Dell to resolve the hacking issue. They told me to first turn off the Wi-Fi to prevent the hackers regaining access to my laptop. Then to reset it to factory settings that it should undo anything done to my laptop. That took a few hours on top of having to reinstall all of my programs, games, movies, and custom content and mods for said games. I even got a few games and movies I didn't already have on my computer.

The birthday dinner of Seafood Gumbo was simmering on the stove. It was even more delicious than the aroma suggested. My mom and dad worked hard to make it for me. Honestly I wasn't crazy about the imitation crab meat but I was trying to make it a little cheaper for my mom and suggested it. Real crab meat goes for $14.00 and I figured my mom was going to be spending more than enough on presents because she always spoils me on my birthday.

My mom let me open my last present. I knew from earlier that it was a new purse and I was eager to open it to see what it looked like. It was a light lavender color and from Nine West through Macy's. I was in love with it and was excited to transfer all my purse items into it and was proud to sport it to work today. Doesn't hurt that my sister was somewhat jealous of me even though she's the one who picked it out.

This evening we're going to have the pies my mom bought. She managed to snag my favorite which is Banana Cream pie. Unfortunately, my co-workers forgot when my birthday was even though I've been here two years. That was a bit of a bummer honestly. I don't even want to be here today because I feel so excluded. They made sure to remember everyone else's birthday and had a little birthday occasion for them with cupcakes and birthday cards. I wonder why i'm so easily forgotten...

Ups and Downs

Mt new Medicine, even though most of the time it feels like a miracle drug, there's till ups and downs. I sometimes feel on top of the world, but at other times I feel like i'm in a slump not wanting to do a damn thing all day. I hate this roller coaster of productivity. I feel on top of the world some days and then lower than low a couple other days. So far my highs have lasted about a week but then out of nowhere comes my down days that last between 2-3 days in between.

When i'm having a high day i'm extremely productive. Such as today, I got a lot done. I woke up at 8:30 this morning and did the dishes, washed the left over dirty dishes by hand, cleaned up the kitchen, changed the food and water in the birdcage, reran the clothes dryer, and read a bit. I am now relaxing with coffee and listening to my favorite Christmas song on repeat (don't judge, it's Christmas in July!).

On my low days, I sit on my ass. I just lounge around on the couch playing with my phone. I feel as though an anvil is being forced through my body by gravity and feel so sluggish and depressed. I barely get anything done that day. It's like I resort back to my old self but luckily it doesn't last too long, just a couple days and then i'm back to being productive.

How I wish it was more consistent. I hate having these low days it's just terrible for me. I get more approval from my parents when i'm productive. When i'm not as productive, there seems to be a lot of arguments and I would prefer that not happen.

I am blessed to have many friends. Some at which I've never met in person. They come from all over from the states to England. I have been through so much with my friends especially boyfriends. My friends whom I refer to as sisters have always had my back and have dogged out quite a few of my exes on my Facebook page. I love them for it because it was absolutely hilarious! Some of my "sisters" live nearby whom I never get to see because we're always busy working or with our families. I have met them all over the internet. I met two of them on IMVU, one on tagged.com before it was perv nation, my best-est friend on the whisper confessional app, a few through mutual friends, and many throughout my Facebook experience. We've exchanged numbers and gifts. We've vented to one another and chatted about nothing for hours.

When I was pregnant with my youngest son, my good friend Lan and her husband James shipped me a baby care package full of socks, swaddling blankets, diapers, and a gag gift of a superhero rubber duck because of one of our conversations we've had about rubber duckies. I was always going to send them a bride and groom set but never got around to it (Sorry Lannypoo!). One of my friends was cleaning house and sent me a few of her books which was awesome! Perhaps we should be book pen-pals and write a letter to each other with a book for the other to read. That would be a neat idea. One of my best friends Travis even sent me a couple packs of a variety of flavored Sunflower seeds because i'm addicted to them! I still purchase one of the flavors he sent me because they're spicy and delicious.

We have laughed at stupidity often together and engaged in the most silliest conversations. I like feeling that these people I've yet to meet in person are like family to me. I am really blessed to know such amazing people who understand me and call me out on bullshit. None of them are afraid to say what is on their minds and I fully respect them for that. We are some bad ass bitches (and a couple guys too).

It's kind of funny. I used to not have female friends. I found it hard to find common ground being such a tomboy, outspoken, and sometimes awkward person. We never seemed to get along. Now most of my friends are female and that's plain old awesome! I love all my friends to death. I have been very fortunate to meet such fine and loyal people

A Meaningful Poem

My best friend once showed me a poem that I didn't know then, would be a very powerful poem that I will at some point leave for my sons. It's called From Mother To Son by Langston Hughes. I will post it now...

It's a poem that empowers your child to never give up. As a mother, you often seem to go through Hell and back repeatedly. You work hard to provide for your child, you lose sleep, you have emergencies when your child is sick. A bond between a mother and her son is everlasting. They have to keep their head up and keep trudging along passing all obstacles that come their way. As had a mother for her son(s).

I have two boys who are my world. I haven't been the best parent in the last 9 years and I've only myself to blame for that. When I should've fought, I laid down and hid. Dying on the inside. I let the horrible world get the best of me in which case empowering my one greatest regret which was not taking my oldest with me when I left my abusive husband. It wasn't too bad though because had I had my oldest son, I probably wouldn't have ran away and gotten pregnant with my youngest who had changed me into a better person.

I don't know what it is about having a child that makes you fight beyond your known capabilities. When you can't handle any more of the world you still shown face to it and let it know, it won't knock you down for you'll just get up against the gravity like a warrior. When all hope is lost your child(ren)'s face make everything seem to be much better than it at times is. Personally, Life for me hasn't really been a crystal Stair. I have made tons of mistakes in my life and left myself with one big regret. For all the sons out there who read this. keep fighting the bigger fight and picture your mother reading this to you.

Cheating

How do you know your significant other may be cheating? I've been cheated on plenty of times and also did my fare share of cheating in return which i'm not proud to admit but I don't hold any secrets. Can't even recall how many times my ex husband and I engaged in affairs and other acts of cheating. I was engaged to my ex and went to a going away hangout with a friend, a man she was into and his friend who turned out to be my junior high crush in 7th grade. One thing led to another and... I was disgusted with myself and my need for a man's attention. My fiance at the time was in the Navy and stationed in Hawaii. I longed for a man's touch since at that point our relationship was strictly online even though I was going to be moving in a couple days and my plane ticket was already purchased. Maybe I was nervous about it.

I showed many signs that I might be cheating. I get distant, I lie, I smile at my phone texting even when my significant other is sitting in the same room. I stay up late to engage in conversations with other men. I really make it obvious. I don't cheat anymore because i'm no longer miserable with a man. Also I guess you could say I peaked in my teenage years and it died down to not even having a sex drive or really being interested in men so in that case, cheating really isn't an issue.

What are the signs that your partner is cheating? There's the smell of another woman on him, he may start wearing cologne out of nowhere and claim he'll be late after work that night. He'll engage in his phone or computer in the late hours of the night, Men too also become distant from their partners. They'll make up excuses why they can't go out with you that evening and straight up lying. Sometimes they're rather slick in their affairs and you wouldn't even notice something is off. Others just generally suck at it and it's discovered within' a month.

Here's an example, My last ex boyfriend told me he was being faithful. Then I discovered he was moving. He began acting distant and not texting me as much, He made up excuses as to why he couldn't see me that weekend. When I asked what was gonna happen when he moved he stated "Things will pretty much be as they are now" which was a crappy scenario. He barely texted, He was always "working" We barely ever saw each other. I had passed my breaking point and dumped him. A month after no contact my phone is blowing up with texts. He had put me in a group chat with all the other women he'd been cheating with and let the "hilarity" ensue. From one of the woman I found out he'd been leading a double life and that we were both his girlfriends at the same damn time. All I could think was "how? he's not even a decent lay!" which another replied he was fantastic in bed. I guess she had no sexual standards then.

My Ex husband was mostly a little more slick. I had caught a couple texts but his charming demeanor made me believe it was nothing and told her he loved his wife. which I later discovered a text saying "My wife was looking" This woman wanted a 3 some with her husband and mine. I have a 6th sense when something isn't right. I instantly got defensive and told the bitch off. Not that it really mattered, she wasn't the only one. At one point in our marriage I was stressing over a court battle as well as pregnant. I caught my husband on my step-mother's computer telling another woman he wished he could be holding her. I should have made that the last straw from the get go.I should have just said "fuck you, you can go back to Hawaii alone" I kept taking him back thinking he could change which is the same for most women.

We have this thing that we can be too trusting and forgiving. At some point enough has to be enough! We don't deserve to be played by men who have no respect for us and who obviously don't really care for us all that much. We deserve to have an honest and faithful partner. so If you've ever been cheating on and you think of staying, don't they don't change as for thinking about cheating, don't put your needs before your partners. You think you're slick enough for them not to find out. I assure you, at some point, they will.

Kindness

Today I have encountered a few random acts of kindness. It's nice to know there are still concern and kind bearing people in this world. It all started after work. I went to the food truck that is across from work on Thursdays to say "hello" and apologize for not being able to buy lunch today because I couldn't afford it. The chef had asked what I ate for lunch and when I said "nothing" he got up from his stool and fixed me a meal complete with a soda. I thanked him graciously and promised next week i'd be ordering something that it was already saved in my budget.

I couldn't eat at the food truck because I had to wait for the bus. I got to my halfway point and got on the connecting bus. A few women were sitting across from me and tried to get my attention to tell me my bag was leaking. One woman offered me her bandanna in which case I politely refused because I wouldn't take something she bought to wrap a leaky lunch in. Another found a plastic bag with her stuff and offered it to me which I happily accepted and double bagged my meal. I thanked them both wholeheartedly for their concern.

I ate the food waiting for the third bus so I wouldn't have to lug it around any further. I was so happy that a few people reached out to me, it really seemed to make my day and restored my faith in the human race. For both those generous notions to me in one day was amazing! It reminded me of how occasionally when i'm catching the bus to work, a nice gentleman would hold up the men in line to get on so all the women could board first. When he does that my day always seems to be a bit brighter.

If you are having a bad day and losing faith in humanity, look at the little things you see people do. The real angels can be sitting next to you on a bus or walking past you down the sidewalk. Just think of the tiny notions carried out and perhaps your day will become a little brighter as well. I don't know who these people were, except for the chef ,and the fact they would show a slight amount of concern for a complete stranger is rather heartwarming. So thank you to those few unnamed folks who showed me a little compassion today. I was inspired to make sure your actions didn't go unnoticed.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Friday, July 28, 2017

Turned Out For The Best

Thursday, July 27, 2017