This Girl's Life: A Blog: August 2017

Thursday, August 31, 2017

3 Reasons why I was born In The wrong Decade

3 Reasons Why I Was Born In The Wrong Decade

I always wondered what it would be like to live in other decades. The fashion styles, the movies and the music. Maybe i'm just bored with my present life but there's something about 3 decades that I keep going back to as if my past was a big part of it. for one of these decades it really was. There's so many things from the past I would pull into the present. The mannerisms of men, The music, even some of the clothing styles. It's just not the same anymore. My 3 favorite decades it time are the 50's, 80's and the one I really did grow up in, the 90's. I will explain why I should probably belong in one of these three decades.

Why do I belong in the 50's? Well that's a good question. I always loved Jerry Lewis movies. My favorite is Sailor Beware. I love poodle skirts,pin-up and Elvis Presley. I love diners where they have jukeboxes and colorful posters. It's where the teenagers of the 50's would hang out or date sharing a milkshake. The waitresses racing to cars with their orders wearing skates. I like the idea of the drapes and the squares kind of like the movie Cry Baby starring Johnny Depp. I always wondered how different I would be if I were raised in the 50's. would my morals be better? would I be able to clean and cook and ultimately upkeep on a home while my darling husband worked his tail off in the downtown area? My dad likes to listen to oldies while we're in the car and I actually don't mind. Judy Garland, Nat King Cole, Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. I've always loved their tunes the most. Courting a girl was way different too. The guys would come to your house and pick you up for a date at the park or diner. They'd ask you to go steady which now is equivalent to a promise ring which is a dying event. They showed the utmost respect and were polite. That's a complete change to guys today.

Why do I live in the 80's? The 80's were an awesome time full of color and music. The sense of styles were out of this world. If you've watch Hot Tub Time Machine or Wedding Singer, or Pretty In Pink you'd have an idea. The music was great! Whitney Houston, Madonna, Culture Club. It was very versatile. Great shows aired in the 80's as well such as The Fresh Prince of Bellaire starring Will Smith In Living Color was a good one also. I remember when MTV was actually a music video channel and not airing shows such as The Real World or 16 and Pregnant. Those were the great old days. focused around music, friends, and family and of course making up your own wardrobe for school and not trying to fit in anywhere but be yourself. I was born at the end of that decade in 1988 but my mom still wore pop bottle glasses and my uncle had a mullet.

and why I belong in the 90's. Being born in 1988 I was raised in the 90's and it was a great decade. You didn't see teenage girls dressed up in mini skirts and crop tops. When you were 8 you didn't worry about how you looked because you weren't exposed to anything having to do with fashion and beauty magazines. It was the decades most videogames were introduced but you wouldn't get glued. You'd still play outside until it was time for lunch or when the street lamps turned on. I loved the 90's music as well. Seal, Ace Of Base, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nsync, Backstreet Boys, Christina Alguilera, and best of all, The Spice Girls The music videos back then weren't expressing too much sex until the early 2000's. I love 90's movies in fact I've got a big collection such as Jungle To Jungle, The Santa Clause, Tom and Huck, Practical Magic. The Mask. It was a great time to be a kid.

So with all that said, What decade do you feel you belong in? There's so many great decades out there to call your past life home. A time you feel stuck in and connected with every fiber of your being.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Busy 4 Day Weekend

This past weekend was extremely busy. Thanks to the Keurig in my bedroom, I had plenty of energy to get things done. Picked up toys, straightened up the kitchen, washed dishes, washed, folded, and put away laundry, organized my room a little and made both of the beds finally, I went through old clothes and I also did a bit of reading.

I did my makeup just about every day which was kind of fun and got dressed all cute. On Sunday I went to see my birth parents and had a nice dinner before going to see my little sister in the ICU. She was a bit more responsive but still not in great shape. It was nice for my birth parents to finally meet their grandson and they loved him and he loved them as well. I enjoyed our time spent as a family and hope to bring my son to see them again. My laptop also took a beating this weekend unfortunately. While refilling my Keurig, some water spilled onto the screen of my laptop and made it go bizerk!

On Monday I got some of my reading done and stayed up late to watch movies and clean up around the bedroom. My mom and I went to the store to buy some things for my son. and ultimately it was a day spent with my son watching The Peanut Gang movies. I barely paid any attention to my phone. Actually, he was on it most of the day come to think of it. I took showers every day which felt real good too. I made a technical support ticket for my laptop so it can be shipped off and repaired. That kind of sucked big time.

Tuesday my dad took me to get my bike but the day wasn't as eventful except for being able to see my son off on his first day of school and getting a nice amount of reading done as well as take things from the first floor up to my room and getting all my laundry folded and put away.

The nice thing about this morning was really my Keurig. I was able to start it up for a nice hot cup of coffee that brewed as I got dressed and ready to start my day. Didn't have to take any time waiting for it. Just stick a k-cup into it and let er' rip! Thing that sucks though is that the lights on my media player are shot so you can't tell if a cd is playing until you hear the music and can't see whether it's on repeat or not. I'm bummed about that because I didn't think to get a warranty on it. Other than that it works pretty well so no reason to trash it and get another just for the lights.

I'd say past weekend was a pretty good one. Now all I have to do is make up my hours this week because I can't afford to not get a full paycheck at any time anymore. blah!

Shopping!

I had to go shopping for a few supplies for myself and my son for school. I gave myself a budget of $75 for everything on my list. I put aside $35 for a new outfit for my son for school. Turned out I had enough for 2 new outfits so I picked out a nice flannel long sleeved button up shirt and a pair of cargo jeans, then i also picked up a teal striped shirt and camo cargo pants. I thought they would make cute full outfits for my son's first week of school. I also had to buy disinfectant wipes and dry erase markers for his school supplies. I had a few personal items on my list as well such as a bike lock and nail polish remover. I was able to afford everything with a bit to spare. I used the extra to pay my gym membership dues.

It was nice my mom helped me pick out matching outfits for him as apposed to being "no don't get that, get this instead" like she normally is. She didn't even go against me wanting to buy him a pair of jeans. I can't wait to see him in his new outfits. The best part was the flannel shirt only costed a buck when it was under the 2 buck display. Not that a buck difference is a big deal but it was a pleasant surprise anyway. The shopping definitely helped me get my mind off some things.

I will have to go shopping for him again in the future. I went through and sorted out all the clothes that don't fit him anymore and now he's in desperate need of pants and shirts. That should be fun. I'll probably go back to Wal-Mart for a full on shopping spree and perhaps even go to Payless to buy him a new pair of shoes. I guess since i'll be using my own money, my mom won't object as much to whatever I want to get him except for showing me what the cheaper options are. Either way I hope I can find him some good buys next time I have extra cash on me.

Yay For Bicycles

I just received my bike for pick-up yesterday. There was a lot of miscommunication from the store though. My mom had gone to Wal-Mart earlier in the day and said they saw my bike in the back room but didn't think to go check to see if it was ready. When they got home, they told me they saw my bike so I called Wal-Mart. At first they told me it was still in transit. I told them how my family saw it sitting there when they were there earlier in which case I got a "hold on for a minute" Sure enough, it was my bike and they said "yes that's yours and is available for pickup."

I had gotten a call from them last week pertaining to the bike. They had asked if I wanted it assembled which I honestly thought it was default to have a bike assembled for pick-up. So I told them yes. They didn't call me to notify me that it was available. That was a little annoying because if they had I would have asked my mother if she could get it while she was there because she was the alternate pick-up person.

When I had gotten the bike it was extremely dirty. I ran my fingers over it and when I looked at my finger, it was practically black with dirt. There was a little nick in the neck of the bike as well but I didn't worry because it was barely noticeable unless looking at it very closely which I did while waiting for my dad to pick up a few things. The front tire makes a little scraping noise when it rolls. but i'm guessing they either made the breaks too tight or the shield is too close to the tire.

Regardless it's a beautiful bicycle! white wheels, it has a basket, it's 7 speed, has an embroidered with teal on the flat of a tan and brown seat. came with a bell on the handle bars, and also has a little wooden backing for a second passenger or to strap a case/purse to. I love the powder blue color and the retro look of it. Its make is by Schwinn which has been around a very long time and makes quality bikes. My dad said we can store the bike in the house for a while which kind of surprised me. I was going to get my bike lock and lock it to a post in the garage since it was starting to rain.

I can honestly say though, with the confusion of Wal-Mart I will not buy anything else for pickup at the location. too much frustration and confusion due to their lack of knowledge and communication. The only thing nice was that they said "ma'am" to me even though being called "ma'am" makes me feel old. Thanks for the filthy bike Wal-Mart now I need to wipe it down with a rag due to your lack of attention.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Coffee Crazy

I've always been a little coffee addicted. I live off coffee especially on the weekends and thought it would be a good idea to buy a Keurig coffee brewer for my personal use in my bedroom. Boy was that not such a good idea after all. It's now past Midnight and I am wide awake. I had bought k-cups on the internet which arrived today instead of Monday and I had also purchased Non-Dairy Creamer that is in powder form so I wouldn't have to store it in a refrigerator. I think I've had about 6 cups since 8PM this evening and watched a movie and listened to music.

When I saw the coffee maker I fell in love. We have one in our Port Clinton summer home but it's an older model. This one is one of my favorite colors and has a digital touch screen. It came with a sample pack of K-Cups and materials for the upkeep on it which is pretty cool. I knew exactly where to put it, on my desk so it's easy to access while on my laptop.

The problem turned out to be, it's too convenient! I no longer have to go downstairs to brew a pot of coffee. I can have single serves in the comfort of my bedroom so whenever i'm getting a craving I can just start the damn thing. I suppose it's a little weird to have a source of caffeine in the area where you're supposed to settle in for the night and actually sleep. Not to mention drink coffee all night long because you're addiction cravings just won't pass.

Perhaps I need to invest in other types of k-cups. I noticed they have Chai Latte k-cups on the market as well as hot cocoa which I found in my sample pack and drank. it was very delicious! Chai Lattes are a milky savory tea blend and well everyone knows what hot cocoa is. At least they don't have so much caffeine in them. Might be a good investment for work days.

I guess I should just be thankful I don't have to work until Wednesday. Unfortunately I have to be up relatively early tomorrow to get ready for a visit with my birth parents and then go as a family to see my sister in the hospital. I really hope she's doing better. Perhaps since I've just got a lot on my mind, I've been trying not to think about it by using my Keurig constantly. It keeps me up but then I find things to do like write this entry. Perhaps next i'll finally put my laundry away or read a while.

Friday, August 25, 2017

A Time In Need

With the news of my sister's critical condition my family couldn't be more in a time of need. She is in critical condition and in a induced coma at the hospital. She has a severe infection which traveled from her abdomen to her heart. Her heart is already in fragile condition and is equipped with a pace maker. She has always had physical and mental medical problems that needed to be addressed but I guess her body couldn't handle it anymore.

I've blamed myself for how she came out in a way. I think to myself "If only I were a better and more devoted sister" I think she has a grudge about how we weren't raised together and blamed my adoptive parents on her rough childhood in the foster care system. I think she believes my adoptive parents didn't want her too. On the contrary, they fought to try to keep us together but the foster care agency wouldn't allow it. I'm honestly not quite sure why, but I hate them for it. My sister and I grew apart and I became very distant from her despite all her attempts to contact me. I was lying to myself. I figured I only really had one family and ended up cutting ties with my entire birth family.

Her one biggest wish was that my dad aka step-dad, my mother, she, and I would be a real family again. With this event in wake I've decided to change my ways and devote myself to my birth family. My mother needs me as she grieves thinking she will be losing another daughter. I'm grieving in my own way. I have knots in my throat, feel sick to my stomach but can't seem to manage a tear. I am going to my parent's for the first time in 6 years. to spend some quality time with them and then go see my sister again. I want to repair the damage time has caused. I plan to print out the poem I wrote for her to read it to her as well as make out a card for her.

Even in hard times, good will arise. An aunt (my step-dad's sister) contacted me today and she seems to be the sweetest woman. We chatted on Facebook about my sister and she gave me words of wisdom which I much needed to hear. She invited me to lunch sometime as well as their next family reunion. She had told me she's seen my sister a handful of times and will be praying for her. That anything we need, she'll try her best to help us and to keep her updated on my sister's prognosis. It was really nice that she reached out to me and wants to engage in a familiar relationship as aunt and niece.

I wish I could let my emotions come out. Maybe I figure my mom is at a weak point right now and I need to be strong for her sake. She's been strong for way too long and has dealt with so much. All I can do is plea to God not to take my sister and pray for her health to improve. I pray that my deceased grandmother will be her guardian angel as she fights for her life.

This is such a difficult time for me and I think i'm in a state of shock mixed with an essence of disbelief. If I hadn't seen her for myself last night I wouldn't have let the reality sink in. I feel like a horrible sister that I never tried to talk to her often or even my parents for that matter. I was busy thinking I had all the time in the world to make amends with my family. Unfortunately, God is trying to make other plans. I would give anything to switch places with her just so she wouldn't have to endure so much pain. I might not have been world's #1 sister but I will say that I love my little sister to death! I just wish it were my own and not possibly hers.

Memories With A Sister: A Poem

Memories With A Sister

A Poem

My sister, I'm sorry we didn't grow up together,

Yet a lot of troubles we had to weather.

Rita tried to get you too,

But the agency wouldn't allow it, this is true.

We had many laughs and many tears,

While we grew up separately throughout the years.

I saw you the other day and you were ill,

My heart broke and stayed still.

I think of all the memories we've had,

Our times together weren't too bad.

a sister like you is my ultimate gift,

I'm sorry there was such a rift.

I remember on Christmas mom would buy us both a stocking,

A porcelain doll each and daddy's Nutcrackers kept breaking.

We danced with mom and we both looked silly,

and in those winters we played outside and it got chilly.

I loved you then and I love you now,

You will make it through this illness, somehow.

I'm sorry I wasn't a great sister,

you will always lighten up my day like glister.

You were full of laughs and shared a silly joke,

Even though very seldom we spoke.

I remember us with Grandma we shared her lap,

and our birth father was always full of crap.

We played with magnets and played with dogs,

we even once owned clogs.

Mom and daddy took us to a carnival at a church

we got on rides together where we perch.

She bought us each a butterfly clip,

It was a thing back then but the trend took a dip.

I couldn't bear to lose you Mommy, Daddy, and I love you so much,

You've got to fight it sissy for now you must clutch.
Your biggest wish was that Mom, Daddy, you, and I would be a family,
It will happen soon now for you, finally.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

March Freedom

In March I will be freed of most of my debt. At Least my Credit Card debt. I still have to pay off the amounts for my braces and my purchases I have made from Dell. It's great to know that soon you'll be liberated of these chains. I had my budget spreadsheet fully organized now listing all my payments and when I will make them, how much I've paid in the month, how much I owe, and the amount i'm allowed.

My Chase card I had gotten two years ago. If I can stop buying expensive shit, I will have that paid off on March 16th of next year. It's about time too. I had it paid off last year but my impulsive ass had to keep spending on stupid shit. I hate the way I am but luckily i'm good at making payments always on time. Which at least is the one good thing.

I had gotten a Capital One card recently and like the other, that is near depleted too. Another portal for expensive shopping and I have to use it to buy some things on Monday after I make a payment. I have to buy a bike lock, an outfit for my son, K-Cups for my Kuerig, as well as non-dairy powder creamer for my coffee and nail polish remover. The card site said after five on time payments my credit limit will increase. which will be paid off in December.

Then there's my Montgomery Wards card that i got sucked into by an online retailer. I've bought some stupid shit on there such as a wading pool my son never uses. I bought jewelry and a bluray/dvd combo player and also a Galaxy Tab 3 that is never used because it's slow as shit and was a total waste of money. I have been making my payments to Wards on time as well but I've had it for over a year. That will be paid off in March as well.

The only payments i'll have to make after that are my Braces payments and my payments to Dell for all the electronics I had purchased on there. I can honestly say i'm looking forward to the freedom of not having to pay off any more outstanding balances and can only hope I can get my credit score up a bit.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Nice Surprise

One morning I was asking my mom a ton of questions about the bike her and my sister went 50/50 on which was a really neat semi-vintage shiny pink Schwinn bicycle. My mom clearly knew I was extremely interested. I was planning to get myself one after getting all my debt paid off. She told me for Christmas she would be willing to go half and half on one for me and told me to look up to see if they had other colors. I looked it up on Target's website where they had bought my sister's but they only had pink ones and no one wanted two bikes of the same color. Pink really isn't my forte anyway.

I was hoping to find it in a powder shimmery purple and I did but it wasn't the same make and didn't have all the same features I wanted like the terrain click handle feature or the little seat on the back. I did however find a shimmery powder blue one (pictured above) on Walmart's website. It's identical to my sister's bike minus the chain gear design, color, and designs stamped on the sides. I like that it has a cute little basket too. I fell in love with the bike and my mom said think about it for an hour. I joked saying "okay, i'll think about it for two minutes"

The surprise is that apparently Christmas comes in August. She allowed me to activate one of her credit cards and buy it for myself. We're going half and half on it so i'm going to pay her half this Friday and half at a later date after my bills are paid for the month. The best thing though is I know my mom can't stand to see her children not opening something on Christmas day so she'll most likely still buy us a little something. The bike should be ready for pick-up next Monday since I had it shipped to the store. I also have to buy a bicycle lock on Monday when we go pick it up.

I am super excited about this and can't wait to get it and ride it to places I want to go. While the weather is nice, I might even begin to ride it to work. It costed a bit more than my sister's bike but since my mom spoils me when she isn't busy yelling at me for something, she agreed to let me get it anyway. My sister and mom paid $160.00 for their bike but split that in two it's only $80.00 each and I have to pay my mom back $106.00 because I also got a protection plan on it just to be safe since i'm an ultimate clutz.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Responsibility

It feels good to be semi-responsible. I have been getting frustrated working on my budget but it finally panned out in the end. I have three open credit accounts as well as a Dell Finance Account. I'm up in over 4k of debt. I figured it into my budget that i'll have all my 3 credit cards paid off by February of next year. Which is the best I can do to getting them paid by the end of this year.

My Capital One card will be paid off December 15th because I have to use $138 or so of it to pay for new clothes for my son. How they grow up fast! I was not expecting to get approved that card. It was one of my many "probably won't get approved" moments as were really all of my credit accounts.

My next credit card I have to pay off, which was another accidental approval, is an Amazon Rewards card that I had gotten impulsively a year or so ago. That one will be paid off on January 26th. That is unless I end up buying more stuff on it, God forbid. The last one is a credit line that luckily doesn't affect my credit score which is from an online retailer called Montgomery Wards. Due to a perfect payment record I am now at a $925 credit limit but i'm good at resisting temptation on that one. Last thing I bought were a couple things for my son on his birthday in May. I will be done paying that one off on February 2nd of next year.

The last thing I have to start paying off is my Dell Financial account. It was for 3k and it was another "doubt i'll get approved, but let's see" moment. I bought myself an Alienware laptop, an external hardrive, and of course I just had to have a disc burning disc drive as well since Alienware doesn't have a disc drive. Then I had also bought my son a cheap laptop and my mother a mouse for when I gave her my old laptop. That all added up quick! So now I currently owe $2,979.89. Yeah that's pretty much depleted too. After I get my tax return i'm going to pay my taxes and then the rest of it will go between my braces payments and Dell which would help out a great deal.

Having a sense of figuring out your own mistakes is really nice. I don't know how I do it but even with impulsive credit card applications that on their stupidity get approved, I manage to wiggle myself out of the hole I often dig myself into. It's great to think wisely and keep your priorities in the right order. Not that I've done that often, I've used my cards to buy things like books, Monster Energy drinks, and the whole series including spin-offs of my all time favorite show, Stargate SG-1. I suppose I should have been more wise with Dell though, i'll be paying them off for quite a while despite my next tax return. It is however a start!

A Walking Contradiction

I swear my mom is a walking, talking, contradiction. She's always contradicting herself. This morning she gets on me for not buying my son new clothes. Yes, i'm a little in the wrong for not saving money to buy him new clothes for school. But immediately after saying that I told her "Give me two weeks and i'll buy him more clothes" she went on to say "no you don't have to do that." If I didn't have to do that she shouldn't have even said anything about it. So now in two weeks i'm taking my ass to the store by bus to Macy's or Target to buy him $138 dollars worth of clothes so that he has a full new wardrobe for the upcoming season.

That's not the only time she has done that shit. She'll get on me to do other things as well and then be like "No it's fine you don't have to do it." Or she'll ask me to do something and then a second later will be like "i'll do it" It's enough to make one's head spin like in The Exorcist! It drives me crazy and completely frustrates the hell out of me when she does it. I don't know why she does it but it takes everything in me not to start a fight by asking her and telling her how annoying that is.

She'll ask my opinion on things or questions and then get mad at me for answering them. I suppose that's all mothers but all I can say is "what the fuck!?" Do your mothers do this? Maybe it comes with age, I don't know. It's one of my pet peeves though and can at times trigger me. I wish she would make up her damn mind when she says something.

The good thing about going shopping myself is that I can actually pick out my own shit for him and get stuff that matches and looks cute on him. She always buys mismatching outfits and it drives me up the wall. I prefer a complete look in outfits. It'll make for some good shopping therapy! If she's not there, she can't dictate what i'm buying for him especially since i'm using my own funds. I'm actually looking forward to it and she won't be there contradicting herself in public. How embarrassing. "Don't buy this, well if you want to you can" ugh!

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

A Letter To White Supremacy

Dear White Supremacy, I think you all are a bit confused. Caucasian people do not own America. In fact we practically stole this country from the Native American tribes who resided here way before whites did. White People are all immigrants whether it be from the Mayflower bringing some of us here in 1620. Or when other people came later on throughout the years for a better life such as Irish, German, etc.

Why do you hate African American's so much? Your ancestors are the ones who brought them here on steerage boats in chains to slave away to do the work your ancestors were too lazy to do themselves! They by no means wanted to leave their families behind while they were forced here against their will and bred like cattle for the perfect specimens. How would you feel if you were considered a "strong piece of property" and forced to be intimate with a random woman just to have a baby that would be sold at the town market to be treated poorly? Honestly, The African American's have more right to hate us.

America was found on immigration of those looking for freedom and the chance at a better life. Not just Mexicans and Cubans, but they all took jobs with unfathomably poor wages just to keep scraps on the table for their families. They barely scraped by, are they less than human?

You were raised with so much hate in your hearts you fail to see what's really going on in the world and that other people only want to be free. You are making them fearful for their lives when all they want is to be there for their families. You've burdened people for centuries probably since your great-great grandfathers. Sorry, but it's not a pleasant place to live while you're reeking havoc among America's people.

Such as the protest in Charlottesville, Virgina. You are a Pro-Caucasian group who ran over a white woman. I'm having a lot of trouble seeing any form of sense in that. You killed one of your own because she had a different opinion than you. That's not how freedom works. I hope you all come to a very rude awakening one day. You are doing this in the name of Donald Trump. That's what is the wrongest scenario of all. This will come to an end. That is all.

Sincerely,

Sel

Rough Day

Yesterday was an extremely rough day. My mom was still on her cruel streak. First she woke me up at 10:15 and acted like I don't do anything around the house when i'm the reason why toys are picked up, Kitchen is cleaned up, dishes are loaded and put away. Sure I enjoyed some heavy reading that night too but you know what? I deserved that shit! I woke up and she had a ladder in the middle of the hallways so she could paint. I said I was too fat to get passed it so she said "actually, yes, you are" What a great start to the morning don't you think?

I went downstairs where everyone seemed to be on edge due to my mother's behavior. They were all trying to avoid the backlash she unleashes when she's stressed, aggravated and most of all in an alcohol daze. She gets extremely mean and argumentative to everyone in the house but mainly to me and my dad. I stayed in the living room most of the day except for maybe 1 hour that whole day to shower and try to install a PC game that ended up being defective and I had to return. I played with my son a great deal that morning. At least he was in a generally good mood that morning.

I decided to get dressed and do my makeup which wasn't as Gothic look and I spent a majority of my day venting to my best friend. The other day my "housemate" Kenny said some pretty cruel things and now I won't talk to him and prefer to not have anything to do with him since his true colors came out. I was overly done with all the abusive bullshit in that house.

Yesterday evening my dad was having some pretty negative thoughts. He asked me if I enjoyed living there. That if something happened to my mom he's going to sell the house and everyone will have to look for somewhere else to go. I'm now motivated to get into low income housing because I feel that time may be coming sooner than we think. We're all extremely worried about my mom. She acts active but she's sicker than she realizes and needs help. Not that she would accept it. She used to go to AA and then come home and drink wine after. Like what a waste of time if you're not going to take it seriously.

I went to sleep pretty early that night and was extremely thankful I had work in the A.M. I can't stand to be in that house. Everyone is cruel to me with the exception of my father.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Peaceful Night

I find it way more peaceful at night when everyone has retired for the evening. My son's asleep in our bed, My dad is watching his news undisturbed in the living room, my mom is in bed, my teenage housemate in his room, and my defiant dog in her crate asleep. I can just relax and breathe deeply without any fights or social interactions. I read a bit then went downstairs and unloaded the dishwasher and made myself a nice hot cup of Chamomile tea while I sat in the living room with my dad watching a history channel documentary on the history of vehicles while I drank it. How names such as Ford, Chevy, and Dodge came into existence. It was actually interesting to hear how much currency changed. $10,000 back then would be equal to $250,000 now.

I went back upstairs and am now listening to music while I chit-chat with the best friend and write this. I can never feel more at peace than I do right now. It may be that household members turned themselves in and settled for the night, or just the night being as relaxing and serene as it ever is. I guess you could call me a night owl especially on my 3 day weekends. It may also be that I had indulged in four Monster Energy drinks today and a nice hot shower. Showers always seem to calm me down and relax me as well. Of course I have to keep myself awake now so I can download, install, and update a program by midnight before all the codes expire. I love how I wait until the very last minute -sarcasm- I kept forgetting about it this weekend and it takes forever to download.

I would have to say tonight has been a good ending to an extremely dreadful day. I'm looking forward to these nights next weekend too even though I will find it completely un-motivational to do things around the house for others after today's events. Perhaps i'll take into reading again until these programs download so I can install them in time. how I hope this night never ends and I can continue to have a peaceful carefree night. Why can't every night be like this? Oh well, I can repeat this next weekend I suppose. Maybe i'll be in better spirits then also. CHEERS!

Tearful Day

Today has been a pretty rough day for me. I had an interview coming up tomorrow and my mom and I got into an argument over it. She complained and told me all her reasons why I shouldn't do it. I told her "Fine then I won't fucking go! Happy now!?" So I stormed upstairs, got dressed and left the house. I walked up to CVS for a little therapeutic shopping using the money I was saving for an outfit for tomorrow. I bought four lipsticks, an eye shadow Palette, and a couple hair thingies.

When I got back home all hell broke loose. My mother and I got into another fight as did my foster brother and I. He said some pretty cruel things that he should not have said. In fact he should've minded his own fucking business in the first place. He later apologized for one remark but that did not make up for anything that came out of his big trap. I have lost all respect for him due to that and the little sliver of respect I might or might not have had for my mom for not telling him to shut up. I cried 3 tears today that hit the floor from where I was sitting. That was all I could manage to get out.

I don't know why I have to be treated like shit by damn near everyone in the house with the exception of maybe my dad. No one appreciates what I do around the house or even thanks me except for him. I refuse to go to my interview tomorrow and just stay stuck in this hell on earth. My best friend says I don't deserve the abuse they unleash on me damn near daily. I must deviate from her opinion. This seems to have been a long time coming. I've dealt with abuse from my husband why not just transfer it among the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally?

Most families have their ups and downs, agreements and disagreements. Usually not any one person is targeted or favored among them though. Unfortunately that family is not my own. It's a crazy house here i'm the target and my sister is the favored among all. It's really painful to have to go through this daily where nothing I do is ever good enough and I never get their support in anything. I'm so tempted to just throw in the towel and not do anything from them anymore. Not that they'd learn their lesson or that they would pick fights with me any less, probably just the opposite.

My mother complains that no body ever does anything. I think that is bullshit that she doesn't acknowledge the fact I stay up late on the weekends to make sure all the dishes are clean, keep up on the laundry, straighten out various rooms. She must think it's either my sister doing it or perhaps gullible enough to believe it's dusting pixies that come in through the night while she's asleep to get it all done. Whatever it is she needs to get her facts straight. My father knows better. He'll occasionally wake up to use the bathroom at night and see me washing dishes by hand or folding laundry.

I just wish there was some god damned appreciation for me around here!

Friday, August 11, 2017

Adulting

It's not easy being an adult. I wish I could still be a kid, Play with toys, use coloring books with Disney characters. Color them in with crayons or markers. Watching cartoons at 7 in the morning. Have people cook me things like corn dogs or Spaghetti O's. Play outside until the street lamps would come on and it was officially time to go home. Pretty much having no care whatsoever to the world. We were oblivious to the dangers around us.

Unfortunately, I'm an adult now and with that comes burdens and responsibility. Now you have to have jobs, make money to pay bills, and sometimes take care of your kin and children. I upkeep on a Excel Document containing 5 different spreadsheets all pertaining to my budget and my reoccurring payments. I spent over an hour updating it today alone. I'm currently at a job and attempting to get a better one. I live paycheck to paycheck and stress out constantly.

I have my own offspring and am doing it alone aside from help from my parents. I am a single mother with poor tastes in men so I've given up looking. My son tends to burden me when he's being mean or bossy. There's joys in having him too though. I have to make sure he's bathed and fed. I also have to make sure he has things to do to stay out of trouble and discipline his bad behavior. That's honestly not easy either. I don't regret having kids but I think i've should have been more cautious. It's too much to handle sometimes.

My day consists of waking up, having a couple cups of coffee while I get my dog out and back in from a potty opportunity, I get ready for work and make sure I have everything I need for the tedious commute there by public transportation since I don't drive. I have to keep up on my appointments which happen constantly. I can't afford to forget shit which is hard because i'm generally an extremely forgetful person. I have to work my hours and come home and as soon as I walk in the door, my son needs me to do something whether it be help him with his computer or fix him his favorite food, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I then do things around the house like clean up the kitchen, do the dishes, take out trash.

Now I have to worry about all the threats out there and the substance of the news. You can no longer let your children go out to play on their own because even in my neighborhood there has been violence. You can't take your child to the playground and assume it's safe. You have to fear for the crooked government and see all the terrorist attacks on television and pray to God it never happens locally. For example last year I was terrified about the NBA Championship parade in downtown Cleveland. It was the perfect set up for a terrorist attack to occur, so many people gathered in one spot.

I realized I've grown up completely and things that never bothered me drive me crazy now. Ignorant "adults" Other children bullying yours. The constant news of deaths and suicides. Facebook is generally a pretty cruel place. There's live videos of murders and suicides an easy target for cyber bullying by other "adults" as well as children. With the invention of cellphones now you have to worry about their content. Is anything illegal happening? Is your child being bullied? What exactly do they see online? What dangerous "game" are your teenage sons and daughters going to play next because it's a new trend? These are all questions we now have to consider as adults. How I wish I could go back to childhood.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Blog Improvement Writing

I have noticed a great improvement in my blog since it began in February of 2016. It's always nice to be interested in your own writing. I still have occasional errors I have to edit but it has become much better work. It didn't pan out with Product Review blogging. My descriptions and detail of the products were extremely mediocre at best. I still have them here on my blog. I pretty much gave up on it in September 2016 then took a hiatus in January 2017.

I have never been one to write on a given topic. Even in school I wasn't very fond of it. For example: when you get a product you have to surround your entry around that product. describe in great detail the product itself, explain how the product makes you feel and all of it's features. Say how you extremely enjoy working with that product and it's vendor. Entries also have to have a specific amount of words. That part I really was shit at.

Since those days, I've really gotten into writing about controversial topics and whatever racing thought pop into my head. This entry would be one of those racing thoughts. I jump off topic at times but I always bounce right on back. The length of my entries are at a bearable level where you won't get too bored with it right away. There's enough to get my thoughts written down but they're nowhere near a novel either.

I find myself more in depth and put all my secrets out in the open. I haven't been very good about keeping my skeletons in the closet which tends to make for a great read. I go back into my old entries and contemplate how I can improve in my skill. I've also taken up some poetry which is out of range normally but some find them rather good. I don't know if they really believe that or if they just don't want to hurt my feelings by saying it's complete trash. I want to publish them into a book one day.

I have been doing some reading lately and been including some of their styles into my own. not plagiarizing their sentences or anything but incorporating their styles into what I say or how I feel. It definitely helps the vocabulary to say the least. I will always have my signature writing style but reading does help you to use your imagination and put words together you wouldn't normally fathom writing.

I enjoy writing my blog because my deepest and racing thoughts seem to flow better when typed out. It gives me a way to confide in complete strangers especially the ones who are kind enough to comment on my posts. Sometimes it may ruffle some feathers if I write something they don't agree with but that's just who I am as a person. I hope my followers will continue to increase as well as my skill. Sometimes I picture a green bar filling above my head like in my favorite PC game. It fills whenever they are working on a skill. Perhaps it will keep increasing and I can do something great with my newfound talent. I would love to be a writer for a newspaper or a magazine. Maybe even an author at some point in the future.

A Shopping Addiction

So I will finally confirm I have an addiction. Not to drugs or alcohol, but to online shopping. It was completely confirmed the day I activated a new credit card. I expected it to get denied when I applied for it but obviously it didn't. I accidentally put a false income but luckily I was able to fix the error on the phone banking app. I had just activated my card when I bought the whole Cold Case series, The Sims 1 full collection, New Skullcandy headphones, a Jaclyn Hill 34 shadow palette on eBay (so it's not a sure thing that it's legit), I bought Monster Energy drinks, and some other things for family members. I bought myself pain killers, Orajel, Children's Benedryl, and bandaids at the local drug store the next day. Now I only have about $80 left on it. I already figured out in my budget how i'm going to get my cards paid off by December.

This is driving me crazy! Why won't it stop? I want to be able to save up money! I have plans! I want to pay off my cards and then cut the little tempting bastards in half. Well except my Capital One card because there's such a little limit on it. $300 to be exact. If the limit goes up after the first 5 on-time payments, I'll probably consider cutting that up too. I want to save up to take my son to Disney in Florida and eventually in California as well. Maybe visit Hollywood and Universal Studios with him.

The only good thing coming my way is that I have been considered a training manager position at a local company. If I can get that job and keep making what I do now, i'll have $1,080 every 2 weeks since it's a full time gig. I would be able to pay my bills off quickly since I've been living off $540 every two weeks for about 2 1/2 years at my current job therefor wouldn't know what to do with the extra money. It will go towards my cards to get them paid off in a timely manner and then put into a savings fund for my son and my vacations. That is only if I get the job and it pays the same as I make now.

Though, I really wish I could be normal. I have so many things I have to deal with. Mental Illnesses, home life living with the parents, a mediocre job with OK pay even though I have no benefits, and my addiction that I struggle to pay off even though i'm 100% for payments. Every time I make a payment I end up maxing out the card again and then some. I'm about $40 over the max on one of my cards now. Please please please go away addiction!

What about Men? A Poem

What About Men?

A Poem

What is it about men?

I don't really like them.

Is it the lies they tell to get you to bed?

Is it the whispers of sweet nothing that go to your head?

What about the muscles or their charms?

Is it because they hold you with massive arms?

I haven't had good luck,

My exes couldn't be bothered to spend a buck.

They lied to me and they've cheated,

my confronting of them got extremely heated.

Why must they be so cruel to me?

Don't they know how sensitive I can be?

When they don't seem to get their way,

oh, the such mean things they will say.

Men only seem to want one thing

The love of sex that it will bring.

Sure perhaps not all men are the same,

When they adore you and call you by a nickname.

When they dote on you and sing you a silly song,

Why must my love life be so wrong?

Men are confident and at times absurd,

When you talk they don't listen to a word.

They must have abs, so that is the trend,

but for a bigger girl they will not bend.

They're looking for barbies, a skinny girl,

Why must they be caught up in such an imperfect world.

Why do they feel the need to lie?

for all that bullshit I will not buy.

Maybe it's me that is the problem,

I am strong and bullshit I won't fathom.

I am stubborn and childish at times,

but so are they, they change on dimes.

As they say they're a dime a dozen,

But why can't one love me for the skin i'm in?

my hate for romance has grown a ton,

for I will never find the one.

Call me jaded or call me bitter,

but this hate of men will not wither.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Coffee Love A Poem

Coffee Love

A Poem

Coffee, I absolutely adore you,

I could drink you all day if I wanted to.

Good with milk, even better with cream,

it's nice to be on the same team.

I think of you first thing in the morning,

my coffee intake is at times alarming.

I love you on weekends and weekdays too,

Every morning I wake up and you know just what to do.

I love coffee at home and even more so at work,

Every day by my desk you seem to lurk.

On weekends I can't seem to get enough,

You help me get off my ass to get a cup.

Sometimes you make me manic as hell,

but you're always there to ring a bell.

I get more active when I have you,

I do things around the house and seldom feel blue.

I hate when the coffee grounds are all gone,

For I can't enjoy you and give myself brawn.

The only thing bad is when I have a withdraw,

Migraines up the wazoo I heed your call.

I call you convfefe to my closest friends,

when i'm obsessed with drinking you there are no ends.

I like you brewing at home or at a coffee shop,

Sometimes when I start on you I can't stop.

My mom has occasionally said I had enough for the day,

I just look at her and say "No way!"

I like how your hot creaminess goes down my throat,

and so I follow this with a quote.

"I have measured my life with coffee spoons"

and in the morning you make me sing tunes.

Junk Food Breakup A Poem

Junk Food Breakup

A Poem

Junk food, I've had a lot of fun with you,

but unfortunately limits are now due.

I know you will not miss me much,

Neither would I for now, you're awful to touch.

I can no longer eat hard meats or junk,

Sure it somewhat puts me in a funk.

I have to have braces and a motion carrier,

so my love for you will make me wearier.

I need to lose weight and I need to abide,

No longer having you by my side.

This will only be for two to four years with minimal harms,

After, I will embrace you with open arms.

No more hamburgers or steaks,

For my braces and motion carrier are bound to it's breaks.

When is all said and all is done,

my cravings for you must be undone.

No more sweets and no hard food,

boy does that really damper the mood.

My braces must stay so you have to go,

please don't argue and lose my flow.

Softer foods are now a must,

In my gut I must learn to trust.

You will ultimately and greatly be missed,

The way you and my mouth have kissed.

You were never, truly good for me,

That is easy and plain to see.

No more soda and no more coke,

These are the true words I have spoke.

You are to be replaced with fruit and salad,

This will help me, therefor make me glad.

The days will go quickly by,

but for now I must break up and say goodbye.

Motion Carrier

So yesterday wasn't braces day after all. However, It was Motion Carrier day. A Motion Carrier is a little device they use to correct over-bites and probably under-bites as well. It realigns your jaw into the proper position. I've had an over-bite as long as I can remember so this is a big change for me. There's supposed to be a big rubber band connected to each side to help maneuver the jaw into place but I won't get those and/or my retainer until Friday. It doesn't hurt right now and only pokes into my cheek a little bit. I'd imagine it will become way more sore once the rubber band aspect is involved.

My mother and I will be going grocery shopping probably Saturday for soft foods i'll be able to eat. She also said I could have the remainder of the beef bullion paste to make myself broth occasionally. My father took a couple bucks from me to buy instant potatoes as well as ranch dressing since I like to mix ranch dressing into my whipped potatoes. I love mashed potatoes and am pretty sufficient in making them from scratch on my own.I kind of wish he would have bought me a sack of whole potatoes. It's one of the softer foods I will be able to eat during my time with braces and motion carrier.

The length of time I will have to have this Motion Carrier is around four months. I'm already starting to get used to them which is pretty nice. I'll have to get used to them all over again once the rubber bands are in place though. I hope my mouth doesn't hurt too bad once this happens. It'll be a long journey to having a perfect smile. My front teeth are also turned inwards which puts my teeth at an angle. With the braces, they're planning to correct that as well which i'm extremely excited about. I hate my teeth mainly for that reason. If you look at the picture below, you can see precisely how jacked up my teeth really are.

I'm also planning on getting them whitened in the future after all is said and done. I have time before they can do that though. Unless I discover a whitening system is the better route price wise after it all is done. I have been using the Charcoal Powder on my teeth occasionally but the Dental Assistant says it can break down your enamel very fast so to only use it at the most once a week. Which I will admit I've been forgetting to do even though I brush daily. The whole routine set in motion is a pain in the ass but gotta do what you gotta do right?

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Braces Day

Today is the day I get my braces. After 4 P.M I will officially be considered a "Brace Face". I am extremely nervous about this and not looking forward to all the pain! I can say the change in my diet is going to suck majorly as well. Goodbye to most of the foods i enjoy eating. At least coffee can still be on the menu. I am going to my appointment straight from work along with my $300 down payment. This is an extremely exciting yet nerve-wrecking occurrence. However, the sooner it gets done, the faster the time will take.

I was bored at work and thinking about questions to ask my cosmetic dentist. I came up with foods to eat, foods to avoid, and how the hell i'm going to upkeep on a clean mouth when food gets stuck in my teeth enough as it is! My best friend suggested google so I heeded her idea and searched for the answers of the questions I was going to ask him. I got a nice list of the foods recommended to and from eating during the 2 1/2 years or so of my braces treatment. Luckily some of the items are things I like to eat anyways such as soup, yogurt, ice cream, mashed potatoes, and smoothies. I suppose I should just give up pizza considering i'm unable to eat the crusts.

For the first week i'm gonna take up sipping a ton of beef broth and cramming down smooth ice cream. I'm also going to try to keep up on my walking regimen and listen to music or read to get my mind off of the soreness and pain the next week. Lord knows i'm going to have to stock up on pain killers and Orajel! It's going to be hard to change my sleeping position in order to assure the braces won't cut into my cheek.

I already made up a shopping list of items to get that I can indulge in such as beef broth paste, ice cream, yogurt, applesauce, eggs, potatoes, and oatmeal or grits. All foods that I love anyway. As well as a couple medications such as Tylenol for pain and Orajel to numb my gums.

I hope they have teal bands for the braces. If they do i'm getting purple and teal otherwise i'm just getting purple. I wonder how long it'll take to set the braces in place and what other things he's gonna tell me to keep up on their care.

Not to mention the motion carrier i'm getting as well. It's a device for your jaw to correct overbites. I have a huge overbite so it's necessary. But the grand total for both treatments is going to amount to $4,500 out of pocket in a payment plan when my mother might have had to dish out over $6,000 if I were to have gotten braces when I was younger. I'd consider that a pretty good deal considering.

Safe to say i'm extremely excited and preparing for the tedious and long week ahead. The unfortunate thing is I won't be able to eat the local food truck this week which I didn't think about and saved up 6 dollars for. Maybe i'll use that to get myself a frosty from Wendy's and some new books from the library after my appointment. I think i'm going to be doing a lot of reading from today forth. I really hope it all works out well for me. I will post and entry of my experience after it all takes place. CHEERS!

Friday, August 4, 2017

Leave Out All The Rest

I often think of my future passing. Will I die old asleep in my bed? Will there be a tragic event that takes me from this world? It makes me reflect on my past. I was not a very kind person in my youth and treated loved ones extremely poorly. I would say hurtful things and almost take pride in seeing them break down from all the pain I've caused. I couldn't have cared less and only cared for myself. even that isn't true, I didn't care what happened to me back then either. In fact, every night i'd go to sleep hoping that I would die sometime in the night. I was misery loving company and blamed others for the bad that happened to me and for my problems.

I have definitely matured a great deal since then. I've stopped blaming others for my problems or deflecting all the faults and pain I've caused to make others feel it was on them. I started taking responsibility for my actions. and try to be reasonable for my spending habits. I don't constantly borrow money from my parents anymore. I don't pawn my children off for others to be forced into raising them like I had done with my oldest son. I don't run away or go party.

Hell I even quit drinking because I've woken up to what it was doing to me. I used to try and get drunk every day and it caused problems for my mom and sister. I would drink myself sick and i'd have to go to bed after throwing up what they ultimately had to clean up. I wasn't taking care of my son while I was sleeping off the drunkenness. I wouldn't drink certain wines because it didn't give me a big enough buzz. I reflect now on posts on Facebook I have made in the past and get disgusted with my behaviors. I was a mother, I shouldn't have been doing any of it.

I can relate to Linkin' Park's song Leave Out All The Rest. I have caused so much pain and there really haven't been that many good memories of me since I was merely a child. I want to try to change that so I have positive things to be remembered for. I actually want the song to be played when I die and am being exhibited in my casket at my wake. It has a lot of meaning since it's something I think about often and not quite sure the terms of my future's end.

I like to joke that my parents will kill me because of this, that, or the other. I often think of all my possessions and my son and where they will go after i'm gone. I'm practically not expecting I will make it into old age. In all honestly i'm not sure I want to. The only things keeping me alive now are my sons, best friend, and the fact i'm either too strong or too cowardly to end my own life.

I just want to try and make positive relationships with people so I have at least a few reasons to be missed and mourned when I fall off the face of the earth. I try to make 5 different people laugh each day. or at least the same 5 people laugh every day. I try to do things my parents would be proud of even though that's an extremely hard feat. I want to mend the relationship with my sister even though it may be damn near irreparable and she drives me up the walls. I want to start praying to God again and make things right in his eyes. I know he's forgiven me for so much already and I at least owe it to him to talk and thank him for being rather easy on me.

I want very much to live a full life filled with laughs and joy, raise my son to be a kind and patient gentleman, and ultimately become a kind person myself with much to live for. It's not easy but God has been very kind to me and has taught me some very much needed life lessons. I know all he's trying to do is protect me which is probably why i'm still up and breathing with a continuously beating heart and a tad better than fair health.

I'm also a firm believer in karma and that everything happens for a reason. We may not be sure what the reasoning behind events are but there's always one there. I believe the way I have mistreated people in the past ultimately ended me in an abusive marriage. I took off to Hawaii when I had gotten engaged to a Petty Officer in the Navy. I hurt many people by just up and leaving for my own selfish reasons. That Petty Officer was eventually dishonorably discharged from the military for losing his clearance for pawning cellphones and placing personal ads on craigslist while married. They were found by his supervising officer and I was given that information by one of his peers. Did I leave? no. I stayed by his side and once we returned to Ohio things only got worse. He became extremely abusive and nearly killed me at one point.

I call it karma from everything I put my family through. It was karma and God's tough love lesson. God didn't let me die but he did however make me learn a lot. It's actually ironic. when it was all happening I cursed god and failed to believe in him. My eyes have since been open to the truth. The truth is that the weak woman I was died that day when I almost did.

I did eventually leave the terrible situation. I've had a fair share more to learn. I started turning to God's wisdom. I started to pray and thank him. Many of my prayers had been answered since then. I prayed for my job which I ended up getting on the spot when it was my first ever formal interview. I prayed for forgiveness for adultery from engaging into a very intimate relationship with another man while married and that if he forgave me, let that man come back to me. A week later that man had called me. I prayed for my son to get better once when he fell very ill and not even a week later there were signs of improvement.

I do wonder if God still has my back even though it's been so long since I've talked to him. If anyone wants to know, believe in him or not, you will be asking for him one day in a time of crisis. I didn't believe for the longest time. I also blamed him for all the bad that happened to me like I did with everyone else. I wouldn't have exactly of called us friends. I was his friend always and he loved me dearly, but I didn't love him back as I do now. He's out there watching but just like faeries, you must believe. I just hope that when my time comes i'll somehow get into Heaven. Until then, I pray to God for a life worth remembering.

UN-Forgotten

Un-Forgotten

Yesterday was a pretty decent day. Got a few things done at work for once and best of all they finally remembered my birthday. It was rather funny actually. I walked into my co-workers office for the daily coffee question and caught her signing a card. I could clearly see it was for a birthday but when I asked her what that was, she said "nothing." Then I was like "well aren't I supposed to sign it?" She replied "nope..." with a cheesy busted grin on her face. I guessed it was for me but what happened next nearly had me in tears. I was eating lunch with my co-workers and then went to my desk which is located right outside my boss' office door. I didn't notice anyone sneak past. My boss asked me if she could see me for a minute and at that point I was thinking "What did I do wrong now?" since our 1 on 1 sessions are regularly. As soon as I got to the doorway everyone broke out in song and there was a cake sitting there with my name iced onto it. I was shocked and had to laugh to keep from crying.

I said I thought I was in trouble and took the first piece. it was delicious and had extra icing due to the icing balloons. There was also ice cream, chocolate and vanilla. we all stood there eating our food and talking and joking when the dial board receptionist came in. She's Russian and my co-workers told her she had to sing me the birthday song in Russian. She did and I loved it! So I got to hear a traditional song in two languages. I also got a birthday card. It was in fact the one I caught my one co-worker signing.

I got to leave 15 minutes early from work and my co-worker gave me a lift to the rapid station. I got home a bit early that day. It always feels nice to be remembered by your peers. I was under the impression they completely forgot me and there would be no celebration. I had gotten an apology about how HR didn't inform them of my upcoming birthday. It's probably because i'm under an independent contract and I think that is very unfair. We're employees too! It was a great day and now i'm back to being somewhat motivated at work and feeling good.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Doesn't Even Count

So things went south with the guy I once talked about. The British guy. He told me he just wants to be friends and then sealed it with a purple heart. I told him he doesn't have to send me those anymore and he responded with "ok bye" and that was that. I blocked him and moved forward. It was so brief I can't even categorize him as an ex. So the whole thing doesn't really count right?

I personally prefer to be single. No men to answer to, no one dictating what you do or wear, no jealousy or drama, at least not from your man. I still deal with a lot from my parents but now the only "men" I have to answer to are my son and my father. That's more than enough for me right now to be honest. I told him before I blocked him that i'm better off single anyway. It's true! I'm clingy, can be the abnormally jealous type, I can go off easy and get extremely ignorant when I do, I get hurt easy because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I pretty much set myself up for failure. Luckily I bounce back rather fast. I wasn't even hurt that I got dumped I didn't hurt when my new friend who had been occasionally flirting with me got a girlfriend. Go him! I told my best friend it was one less thing to worry about now the chance of "feels" as it's called now.

I don't ever really let anyone in anymore. Last person was my best friend and she's the only one not to ever disappoint or make me regret it. I've learned better than to let men break down the wall that surrounds my heart because when it goes south, i'm in no way emotionally crushed by the fact. I end up indifferent. I guess my heart really isn't on my sleeve anymore. I tell the guy what he wants to hear even though I know he's not truthful and saying what he thinks I want to hear. well honey, two can play that game and I just might beat you at it.

You are actually a stronger person when you're single. Get to make your own choices without confiding in another for agreement. You don't have to depend on anybody, You can do bad all by yourself. It's rather nice and makes you independent. Yes, Independent. no co-dependant, not a dependent, independent.

Here's an example: My unofficial ex husband jumps from woman to woman, relationship to relationship whispering all the sweet nothings anybody could want to hear. Pretending to be the perfect doting gentleman. He's been engaged to two different women within' 4 months of them being official. It makes me laugh at how gullible they are and how desperate he is. He's not really a strong man. He can't stand to be single and is dependent on these women when he does stupid shit like use his money to move to a different state where there's no security. He doesn't have jobs or a place to live and therefor depends on them for shelter for himself and our son. All the while never filing for a divorce from me.

He seems to have it in his head that I will forever be a perfectly good bailout plan whenever things don't work out with his mistresses. When he has to move back into his poor grandmother's house and pretends only then, that our marriage still matters. Sorry dear, i'm not falling for that bullshit for a 2nd time. Last time I fell for it, he said he was going to rejoin the military and my son, our son, me, and him would be a family again just to find out a week later that he left me again for a new mistress. The hilarious thing is they buy into his crap about how he's filing for divorce and he claims to not know where I am or how to get in touch to send me papers. They also feed into the "you're the mom to my son" because he wants nothing to do with me so he goes on trying to replace me in our son's life with every new woman he hooks up with. I really feel bad for our son. The Topsy-Turvy life he must be living in.

Men like him really tarnish the reputations of the truly good men that may still be lurking about. With his help, I've turned into a biter, jaded, and guarded woman I am now. Who really needs a man anyway? Life is so much better without all that mess.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Paranoia and Anxiety

I tend to get paranoid and anxious about a lot of little things and it really annoys me. I'm anxious going down the stairs when I get to the bottom step, I get paranoid and anxious in the vehicles even when i'm not the one driving. I get paranoid whenever someone goes silent thinking the worst that they're mad at me. The list goes on and on.

I had made a new friend on Facebook and she offered to send me a gift package. I refused because i'd feel bad that I couldn't reciprocate the gesture. She then fell silent and instead of thinking "Maybe she just got busy." I was thinking "Is she mad at me?" trying not to take advantage of someone's kindness shouldn't be grounds to get mad at someone but all common sense and better judgement come to a halt and I think of the most outlandish stupid scenarios. She did end up telling me she wasn't mad and was just doing work around the house. that relieved my anxiety and paranoia completely.

When it comes to bottom steps, There's a bottom step in my basement that is damn near invisible even with the lights on. It blends in with the concrete basement floor and I can't even count how many times I've missed it and endured a bad fall or a mini heart attack in those rare occasions I've managed to catch myself from hitting the floor face first. Since that's happened so many times, I now death grip the railing when I get to the 2nd to the bottom stair and use extreme caution. I look closely at the stairs and often get paranoid that I could fall down a whole flight if i'm not extremely careful.

Being in vehicles terrifies me. When I was 18 I was forced into the driver's seat to learn how to drive by an ex boyfriend. I told him I didn't think it was a good time for that but he didn't heed my caution. I started and pulled out of the parking lot. I almost hit a white Ford truck and drove right into a bush. I was scared shitless by the events and he yelled at me saying i'd never drive his car again. I yelled back that I had said it wasn't a good idea. I now have anxiety being in the passenger or driver's seats in vehicles. I get paranoid when my parents pull out of the driveway and when they are at intersections. It may be because of that event.

I am also anxious around high areas. I'm afraid of heights and not sure how it happened. I used to love theme parks and roller coasters and every other crazy ride they have at high points. Just suddenly the joy went away. No bad even had even occurred. Now I yell at my son when he leans over the big slide at the playground to wave at me and tell him to be careful. I will stand and watch from the entrance hall when we're sitting near a ledge at a sport event and freak out when my son leans over the protection Plexiglas. I cannot see a low drop beneath me. The highest I will go is maybe 3 floors up before i'm like "screw that!" Good thing I was never a linemen and as far as the Eiffel Tower in Paris, forget about it!

I hate spiral staircases and it takes 15 minutes to get down a smaller sized set. I don't know what it is about them. The curvature making them seem higher than they really are? Maybe that's it. I can go up them just fine holding my hands on the rails or walls but going down woo buddy! Luckily last time I was on a spiral staircase at Rockefeller's monument, I was with many patient people who let me take my time getting back down. It's funny, I love the idea of spiral staircases and enjoy seeing them in churches. I find them very retro and sophisticated, but I just cannot for the life of me bear to be standing on them.

I also get very anxious at work. I'm always paranoid that i'm going to get fired. Being called into my boss's office is no bueno for me. I go to work thinking "Is today going to be the day (I get fired)?" I also get paranoid when I think people are talking about me. I've been like that ever since I was younger but back then, they were. I wouldn't by any means call myself popular. Just the opposite actually. I had many enemies growing up but also many friends. I suppose that's everyone's fear, to be unaccepted by their peers.

I get paranoid thinking of the future. What will my sons be like? Will they be prisoners? Did I fail as a parent? I'm also horrified by the thought i'll get Dementia or Alzheimer's and not recognize my children's faces. I couldn't handle that. If the diseases start to hit and I forget how to do something little like use a friggin' toothbrush, or ask my son where my baby is, to do me in right then and there. It'd only get much worse. I'm also afraid to one day lose control of my bowels but that's a different thing. I am also paranoid about my death day. Will anyone mourn me? Will anyone be there? I haven't made too many nearby friends so I constantly think no one would come to my funeral.

We all have Anxiety and Paranoia about different things. It's just trying to get it under control that's the trick.