Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Paranoia and Anxiety

Paranoia and Anxiety

I tend to get paranoid and anxious about a lot of little things and it really annoys me. I'm anxious going down the stairs when I get to the bottom step, I get paranoid and anxious in the vehicles even when i'm not the one driving. I get paranoid whenever someone goes silent thinking the worst that they're mad at me. The list goes on and on.

I had made a new friend on Facebook and she offered to send me a gift package. I refused because i'd feel bad that I couldn't reciprocate the gesture. She then fell silent and instead of thinking "Maybe she just got busy." I was thinking "Is she mad at me?" trying not to take advantage of someone's kindness shouldn't be grounds to get mad at someone but all common sense and better judgement come to a halt and I think of the most outlandish stupid scenarios. She did end up telling me she wasn't mad and was just doing work around the house. that relieved my anxiety and paranoia completely.

When it comes to bottom steps, There's a bottom step in my basement that is damn near invisible even with the lights on. It blends in with the concrete basement floor and I can't even count how many times I've missed it and endured a bad fall or a mini heart attack in those rare occasions I've managed to catch myself from hitting the floor face first. Since that's happened so many times, I now death grip the railing when I get to the 2nd to the bottom stair and use extreme caution. I look closely at the stairs and often get paranoid that I could fall down a whole flight if i'm not extremely careful.

Being in vehicles terrifies me. When I was 18 I was forced into the driver's seat to learn how to drive by an ex boyfriend. I told him I didn't think it was a good time for that but he didn't heed my caution. I started and pulled out of the parking lot. I almost hit a white Ford truck and drove right into a bush. I was scared shitless by the events and he yelled at me saying i'd never drive his car again. I yelled back that I had said it wasn't a good idea. I now have anxiety being in the passenger or driver's seats in vehicles. I get paranoid when my parents pull out of the driveway and when they are at intersections. It may be because of that event.

I am also anxious around high areas. I'm afraid of heights and not sure how it happened. I used to love theme parks and roller coasters and every other crazy ride they have at high points. Just suddenly the joy went away. No bad even had even occurred. Now I yell at my son when he leans over the big slide at the playground to wave at me and tell him to be careful. I will stand and watch from the entrance hall when we're sitting near a ledge at a sport event and freak out when my son leans over the protection Plexiglas. I cannot see a low drop beneath me. The highest I will go is maybe 3 floors up before i'm like "screw that!" Good thing I was never a linemen and as far as the Eiffel Tower in Paris, forget about it! 

I hate spiral staircases and it takes 15 minutes to get down a smaller sized set. I don't know what it is about them. The curvature making them seem higher than they really are? Maybe that's it. I can go up them just fine holding my hands on the rails or walls but going down woo buddy! Luckily last time I was on a spiral staircase at Rockefeller's monument, I was with many patient people who let me take my time getting back down. It's funny, I love the idea of spiral staircases and enjoy seeing them in churches. I find them very retro and sophisticated, but I just cannot for the life of me bear to be standing on them.

I also get very anxious at work. I'm always paranoid that i'm going to get fired. Being called into my boss's office is no bueno for me. I go to work thinking "Is today going to be the day (I get fired)?" I also get paranoid when I think people are talking about me. I've been like that ever since I was younger but back then, they were. I wouldn't by any means call myself popular. Just the opposite actually. I had many enemies growing up but also many friends. I suppose that's everyone's fear, to be unaccepted by their peers.

I get paranoid thinking of the future. What will my sons be like? Will they be prisoners? Did I fail as a parent? I'm also horrified by the thought i'll get Dementia or Alzheimer's and not recognize my children's faces. I couldn't handle that. If the diseases start to hit and I forget how to do something little like use a friggin' toothbrush, or ask my son where my baby is, to do me in right then and there. It'd only get much worse. I'm also afraid to one day lose control of my bowels but that's a different thing. I am also paranoid about my death day. Will anyone mourn me? Will anyone be there? I haven't made too many nearby friends so I constantly think no one would come to my funeral.

We all have Anxiety and Paranoia about different things. It's just trying to get it under control that's the trick.

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