Friday, August 4, 2017

Leave Out All The Rest

Leave Out All The Rest

I often think of my future passing. Will I die old asleep in my bed? Will there be a tragic event that takes me from this world? It makes me reflect on my past. I was not a very kind person in my youth and treated loved ones extremely poorly. I would say hurtful things and almost take pride in seeing them break down from all the pain I've caused. I couldn't have cared less and only cared for myself. even that isn't true, I didn't care what happened to me back then either. In fact, every night i'd go to sleep hoping that I would die sometime in the night. I was misery loving company and blamed others for the bad that happened to me and for my problems.

I have definitely matured a great deal since then. I've stopped blaming others for my problems or deflecting all the faults and pain I've caused to make others feel it was on them. I started taking responsibility for my actions. and try to be reasonable for my spending habits. I don't constantly borrow money from my parents anymore. I don't pawn my children off for others to be forced into raising them like I had done with my oldest son. I don't run away or go party.

Hell I even quit drinking because I've woken up to what it was doing to me. I used to try and get drunk every day and it caused problems for my mom and sister. I would drink myself sick and i'd have to go to bed after throwing up what they ultimately had to clean up. I wasn't taking care of my son while I was sleeping off the drunkenness. I wouldn't drink certain wines because it didn't give me a big enough buzz. I reflect now on posts on Facebook I have made in the past and get disgusted with my behaviors. I was a mother, I shouldn't have been doing any of it.

I can relate to Linkin' Park's song Leave Out All The Rest. I have caused so much pain and there really haven't been that many good memories of me since I was merely a child. I want to try to change that so I have positive things to be remembered for. I actually want the song to be played when I die and am being exhibited in my casket at my wake. It has a lot of meaning since it's something I think about often and not quite sure the terms of my future's end.

I like to joke that my parents will kill me because of this, that, or the other. I often think of all my possessions and my son and where they will go after i'm gone. I'm practically not expecting I will make it into old age. In all honestly i'm not sure I want to. The only things keeping me alive now are my sons, best friend, and the fact i'm either too strong or too cowardly to end my own life.

I just want to try and make positive relationships with people so I have at least a few reasons to be missed and mourned when I fall off the face of the earth. I try to make 5 different people laugh each day. or at least the same 5 people laugh every day. I try to do things my parents would be proud of even though that's an extremely hard feat. I want to mend the relationship with my sister even though it may be damn near irreparable and she drives me up the walls. I want to start praying to God again and make things right in his eyes. I know he's forgiven me for so much already and I at least owe it to him to talk and thank him for being rather easy on me.

I want very much to live a full life filled with laughs and joy, raise my son to be a kind and patient gentleman, and ultimately become a kind person myself with much to live for. It's not easy but God has been very kind to me and has taught me some very much needed life lessons. I know all he's trying to do is protect me which is probably why i'm still up and breathing with a continuously beating heart and a tad better than fair health.

I'm also a firm believer in karma and that everything happens for a reason. We may not be sure what the reasoning behind events are but there's always one there. I believe the way I have mistreated people in the past ultimately ended me in an abusive marriage. I took off to Hawaii when I had gotten engaged to a Petty Officer in the Navy. I hurt many people by just up and leaving for my own selfish reasons. That Petty Officer was eventually dishonorably discharged from the military for losing his clearance for pawning cellphones and placing personal ads on craigslist while married. They were found by his supervising officer and I was given that information by one of his peers. Did I leave? no. I stayed by his side and once we returned to Ohio things only got worse. He became extremely abusive and nearly killed me at one point.

I call it karma from everything I put my family through. It was karma and God's tough love lesson. God didn't let me die but he did however make me learn a lot. It's actually ironic. when it was all happening I cursed god and failed to believe in him. My eyes have since been open to the truth. The truth is that the weak woman I was died that day when I almost did.

I did eventually leave the terrible situation. I've had a fair share more to learn. I started turning to God's wisdom. I started to pray and thank him. Many of my prayers had been answered since then. I prayed for my job which I ended up getting on the spot when it was my first ever formal interview. I prayed for forgiveness for adultery from engaging into a very intimate relationship with another man while married and that if he forgave me, let that man come back to me. A week later that man had called me. I prayed for my son to get better once when he fell very ill and not even a week later there were signs of improvement.

I do wonder if God still has my back even though it's been so long since I've talked to him. If anyone wants to know, believe in him or not, you will be asking for him one day in a time of crisis. I didn't believe for the longest time. I also blamed him for all the bad that happened to me like I did with everyone else. I wouldn't have exactly of called us friends. I was his friend always and he loved me dearly, but I didn't love him back as I do now. He's out there watching but just like faeries, you must believe. I just hope that when my time comes i'll somehow get into Heaven. Until then, I pray to God for a life worth remembering.

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