Quarantined with Mental Illness

Quarantined With Mental Illness

          I think we're all going crazy in our own ways from this COVID-19 Quarantine. As an Ohioan, our Governor Mike Dewine is doing plenty to keep his constituents safe from harm. Who is keeping us safe from ourselves though?

          My family have been losing their minds, especially myself after going on a 3 week Leave of Absence from work in concern for my elderly parents. However I get out of the house least of everyone. It has begun to take a toll on my mental health.

          I have become extremely irritable and will snap out at family for little to no reason. There has been no one to really share my feelings with and bottling them up has done little good for me. I end up just exploding.

          I got into a fight with practically everyone in the house one day and wanted to self-harm as I have done in the past. I took a permanent marker and started drawing intricate designs on myself as pictured. I have been trying not to cut with sharp objects because of the incident last time I did that resulted in me needing stitches.

          I have also expressed an interest in reading just to escape all of the drama i'm enduring at home.  A lot of yelling, and drinking. Tons of favoritism that just won't go away no matter how often I try to express my feelings about it. I am invalidated and things continue as they were. I have decided to finish reading the books that I would finish reading the books that I had bookmarked and shelved away.

          Then a couple things happened that made me extremely happy. Not only did my boss call me to put me back in rotation on the schedule, but I also got to switch my shift from close to days which had me stressed because my parents kept nagging me to quit just because of my hours. I was working 8:00 PM - 1:00 AM or so. Now my schedule is 11:00 AM - 4:00 PM which is so much better that now I won't have to quit, That is the one place where I can be myself and feel like i'm actually liked minus a few little high school girls who like to whisper and giggle about me behind my back to each other.

          I don't know how much longer this will go on but I'm hopeful that at least I will survive it... hopefully!

Single & Happy

          I will admit, briefly I was in a relationship. To be honest I just felt like I couldn't be bothered and was pretty o.k. with not seeing him often. There was no sexual activity and being "off the market" so to speak made me feel strange in a way. It's kind of hard to describe it. perhaps the feeling of being somewhere I just didn't want to be.

          He was kind enough until he started declining the amount of talk time. It went from texts back and fourth all day to fewer responses and excuses like "sorry i fell asleep" to just nothing at all. I am not the kind of woman who is going to chase a man; if he wants me, he'll chase me right? The pro about whatever my issues are, and i'm starting to think it's with men as a whole, is that I can get as unattached to a man as quickly as I catch the feels. Now-a-days that is a blessing to me, not a curse. 

          I've started to realize, "What do I have to offer a man?" I can't give him a lot of my time because 1. I work a lot and then sleep a lot. and 2. I have no physical desire for intimacy. Even a cuddle makes me feel off. I like my solitude and I don't know but maybe it's just from being my son and I that I really just don't care for commitment though I don't care for casual dating much either because like i said, no intimate desires of any kind.

          It's nice to believe people around like me though. For example, a co-worker at my employment calls me "baby-girl" all shift which makes me smile a bit. He is genuinely interested in talking and getting to know me and my back-story. Was even showing some concern when he saw the scars on my arm from self-harm. He's a gentle giant I guess you could say. I'm not sure if he's crushing on me or if it's just being friendly, but i'm not eager to find out. I'm fine without a potential prospect and I also don't date anyone I work with in general, never ends well.

          I have finally shown contentment being single and that I can just be alone for a while. I enjoy not depending on a man for attention and pretty much the ability to blow them off all together. I have no interest in getting back on the dating scene, and pretty much took my own ass off the market which is awesome! I'm even looking forward to spending Valentine's Day with my son as my Valentine as the tradition has grown to be over the years. My child is always my first kiss of the new years, my Valentine, and I love spending every Holiday with him.

          Now ladies and gents. Being single isn't some horrible thing. break-ups suck monkey balls, I get it. But sweeties, so does being in a relationship. When single you don't have to worry about anyone but yourself (with the exception of children) Gives you the opportunity to grow as an individual and give your time to the people who are more valuable than a shag, your friends and family. Make plans, go out, party. Hell stay in with Netflix or a book and a cup of cocoa or tea. The thing about men and women is, there's a fucking ton in the sea. Plenty of time to fish or swim for a hook after you work on yourself for a while. 

          As for me, sorry co-worker; you're sweet and all but i'm good. Ex bf? a big fat thank you for helping me realize I don't need a man to be happy, and to the future, whether Mr. Right falls from the sky onto my front porch or not. I am blessed to have at least 2 little men in my life. My sons. In all aspects of your life you need to learn to "hope for the best, expect the worst" and that includes the ways of love and companionship. #LivingTheSingleLife