Self-Worth

Self-Worth

Many tend to have a very low self-esteem. In fact, i'm one of them. Sure I can put on a display of being confident and talk a good game but on the inside I feel worthless. There are so many things I would change about myself. My looks, my weight, reverse some of these scars I've brought on myself because of a scab picking disorder. Some think i'm pretty and others don't.

Many can't get past my weight. I've been called "fat ass" and "cow" by more people than I can even handle most of the time. I play this act like I don't really care but to be completely honest, it hurts. Especially when it's really all you hear. I've come to realize, You're not going to be pretty or sexy to others unless you're pretty and sexy to yourself.

You have to find your own self worth and confidence. Sure I have a bit of a problem with my weight but it could be much worse. Most of it is in my thighs and my chest anyway. I have a gut but oh well. I'm not worthless, My father actually told me he was proud of me yesterday for how much I was doing around the house lately. I got all the laundry washed and folded, Kept up on the dishes, and took good care of my son spending a ton of time with him instead of on my phone the whole time sitting on my ass doing nothing and my son tells me every day that he loves me.

You have to start with little things you take pride in. What are you good at doing? What are some personality traits about yourself that you like? For example: me. I'm pretty funny, i'm easy to get along with, I stick up for what I believe in, I don't tolerate people's bullshit and stick up for others, physically I like my chest and my thighs, I like that I've been losing weight, and I like the color of my eyes. I'm decent at putting on makeup and feel beautiful wearing it. I like that i've found a love in books and I like i'm good at movie trivia. I can list all the movies an actor has been in just by looking at their face.

All those things should make me feel proud of who I am if it weren't that I can't get passed how people call me ugly and put me down because of my weight. Standards these days looking at models are ridiculous and that's the kind of women men appeal to most these days.

To be honest, because of how shallow men are lately I am not even interested in forming romantic relationships with any of them anymore. It's been over a year since i've been in a relationship or even intimate with a man. I'm actually rather fine with it because i'm worth more than how many men have treated me in the past. I'm above the abuse and neglect, the lies and being cheated on. I'm better deserving than that. I've to a point found my self-worth.

I need to think myself beautiful and stop degrading myself with the "They must be right, i'm very fat and ugly" that's not even true. I'm a little overweight, that's not fat, and ugly... no such thing. We're all beautiful in out own way and in somebody's eyes we need to see it through our own.

Happy Friday

Happy Friday

As usual I'm happy today. It's Finally the end of the week and I have stuff I want to do this weekend. My mom isn't in town right now so things have been relatively peaceful. My dad's been enjoying cooking, I have been in charge of my son's discipline, and my sister and I seem to be getting along better for now.

This weekend my goal is to get all the laundry washed, folded, and put upstairs into their owners rooms. My mom isn't home for the next week so I decided to take over that role of keeping up on the laundry. I got a majority of it washed I just need to get it all folded and put on the second floor.

Today and tomorrow will be cool. There's a flea market at the church across the street and i'm going to scavenge their movies, books, and clothing items. I took out 20 dollars specifically for the rummage sale so that should be fun not sure if i'm going today or tomorrow yet but at least i'll have the cash on hand.

Another good thing about this weekend is I can spend some time with my son. The week days I don't get to really take him to the playground because I am usually very tired and never seems to be enough hours in the day to do everything he wants to do. Perhaps I'll take him on a Mommy/Son date this weekend just to get out of the house with my little boy. Maybe a trip to Dewey's Pizza or Wendy's or perhaps a movie or many trips to the playground.

I will also have the time to get some heavy reading done. I'm on a very good book and awaiting some from an online retailer called ThriftBooks Where they have used and new books for pretty damn cheap! As you're most likely well aware, i'm a bookworm and addicted to purchasing books for my collection damn near overflowing the bookcase in my room. Reading is a great pleasure of mine and i'm currently reading a Heather Graham novel titled Wicked Deeds which is the 23rd installment of the Krewe of Hunters series. I started late within' the series and I find it very captivating and I hope to get through the earlier of the series as well.

Last but not least, sleep. How I love being able to sleep in on the weekends I usually wake up at 7:00am but on the weekends I get about a 2 extra hours worth of snoozing. It's really nice but I think anyone who's anyone would say that's their favorite weekend activity, right?

So I will pretty much have my weekend booked! Good thing I have a 3-day weekend I wonder how it will all play out or if i'll get everything I want to do this weekend done.

The eBay Life

The eBay Life

eBay is full of hit or misses. It can be legit or sometimes doesn't look exactly as pictured. You must be very observant with this site to see what is real and what is scams. I've been scammed once or twice even.

I had bought an eye-shadow palette from a seller on eBay and not only did they not send it to me, they deleted their account thinking they wouldn't have to deal with the consequences. They however did, eBay performed excellence in resolving the problem and giving me a full refund which I entent to use for books on a different site.

What is it about online retailers that is so addictive? I find the convenience of shopping while i'm cozy at home or bored at work. I have a bit of an addiction to online shopping specifically Thriftbooks, Amazon, and eBay. I also love to see packages at the door for me on any given day. It's like receiving presents except you know what they are and most of the time when they're coming thanks to tracking numbers.

That's one of the fun things about eBay it's also a little annoying. Some items on eBay don't present you with a tracking number so you have no idea when it will come and by the time it does, you may not remember what was in it! Personally, I hate not knowing where my package is at any given time.

It is however fun to browse eBay and other online retailers for treasures. You never know what goodies they might have that just seem to be calling your name. Doesn't help you save money very well I must admit.

Never Enough Sleep

Never Enough Sleep

I started to realize about a few weeks to a month ago I can never get enough sleep. On the weekends I'll wake up at noon and be ready to sleep a couple hours earlier. On the weekday I used to wake up at 6:30 and now I pushed it to 7:15 which I always end up sleeping to the absolute last second in order to rush to gt ready for work and get out the door. By the time I get home at around 3pm i'm ready to go back to sleep. It doesn't make sense since I don't really do hard labor. I sit at a desk most of the day.

There are two things i'm thinking this could be. Sleep Apnea or Anemia. I had a blood test done Friday so i'm just waiting for the results. I also have a sleep Dr. appointment later this month. Occasionally when I wake up I get the most excruciating headaches that make me feel like crying and going back to sleep so it will go away. Not to mention that my leg pains are returning and i'm starting to feel short of breath and have hurting feet where it and my achy legs make it hard to walk.

I can only hope for the lesser of two evils and the better outcome at this point. I try not to be so pessimistic these days but when you seem to have medical problems popping up like weeds it's hard to think the cup half full. All I can hope is that if i end up in the hospital, i'll be out and feeling better before Halloween so I can still take my son trick-or-treating. This royally sucks at any rate.

Here We Go Again

Here We Go Again

The other day I went to sleep at 10:00 PM, woke up at 12:30 PM, and was ready to go to sleep again by 2:00 PM. I don't believe it was depression because I didn't feel worthless or necessarily sad. Besides another symptom I was noticing was that my legs were starting to hurt again when I stood or walked at all.

Last time this happened I ended up being extremely anemic and had a three or four out of ten level on my blood count. That's extremely low and would make people bedridden. I was taught to suck it up but in the end it ended up being too much for me. I ended up in the hospital for a week while they ran tests to figure out where i was losing blood. They never did find out how it happened and i'm sure they won't this time either.

I just hate how this had to happen around Halloween. I take my son trick-or-treating every year since he was one year old. I loved doing it too. Kinda hard to go a long distance at walking door to door if it's excruciating to walk period. I couldn't go up stairs very well i could barely walk to bus stops for work without searing pain. Hopefully i'll be able to get this straightened out before then.

The thing that really sucks about this is that I may lose time at work. If I have to go to the hospital, i'll have to make up time at work for missed hours otherwise i won't get my money for those hours. It really sucks being on an independent contract here at work. I'm looking to fix that though maybe a new job hopefully at some point. I just hate how my legs feel and how tired I am all the time no matter how much coffee I drink.