A Love Non Existent

A Love Non Existent

I've gone through the agony of love too many times to even remember them all. My High school sweetheart Chris which was a poisonous love that made me put my future in jeopardy because of "Love" and the need to be together... I could be a graphic designer now if i hadn't NEEDED to be with him in 11th grade while i was attending a vocational class in high school to get certified in the Graphic Design career path. but no, i decided i'd rather run away from home and go to Arizona with him. If he really loved me he wouldn't have let me do that and if I really loved me and used my brain i wouldn't have done it either. We tried for a baby when I was 17. Luckily it wasn't in the cards for me at the time. We reunited when I was 25 and we did conceive then with a beautiful little boy that Chris now denies being his but maybe that's doing me and his son both a favor, he wasn't cut out to be a father.

Then I was 20 years old and fell in love with a Navy Petty Officer I had met online. He was stationed in Hawaii and I moved there after he proposed to me... Things were good for a while except I was pregnant and we couldn't afford food so we'd go to the Liberty Center whenever they served a meal. We got married and then he got dishonorably Discharged for 1. Posting personal ads on Craigslist when he was married and 2. Pawning cellphones when he had a high clearance. We moved to Youngstown, Ohio near his family and they all hated me. The stress turned him into an abusive monster. I had a friend run in in her underwear to pull him off me one day. We had a broken mirror in the bathroom from him slamming me against it. He would throw my 2 yr old son around like a rag doll. First I had my son sent to live with my parents in Cleveland. Then he would keep sending me to live with my parents every time we got into a fight then two weeks later lure me back with "I don't want to be abusive, I promised I changed" I would go back and he'd abuse me daily again in all forms, sexual, mental, emotional, physical It never ended. It was a bad environment for our son who was only 2 at the time. We even had a case open with Child Services and they told me the case would be closed as long as we were living apart. I got the courage to tell him "NO" The last time he tried to lure me back. We're still married but he has a girlfriend and our son who is now 7 and I don't want a man anymore.

After I separated from the abusive hubby I met a man named Michael. He was perfect! The intimacy was full of passion, He worked hard to buy me things and provided for my youngest son Tristan (who's father was my highschool Sweetheart) when he was just a baby. We lived together in his mom and her then man friend's home. I was happy, I attempted to cook, i'd clean and do laundry, built up a positive friendship with his mother Donna. Out of nowhere he broke up with me and I had to move back in with my parents. We were working it out but then on my son's 1st birthday he vanished completely. He changed his number and moved out of state. I heard from his mother that he had gotten married to another woman.

Online I had met another man named Mike. At first he was very attentive. He'd text me telling me he missed me and how he thought of me often. I'd hear from him all the time and we'd see each other often because he lived right down the street from me. At that time I thought life was good. Then he started to distance himself... we were together off and on for nearly a year. I'd start hearing from him once a week and then less... We had made plans to move in together. At least that was his idea, a few months ago. Now I completely ignore him when he'll text once every two or so weeks like he's done to me. He moved to Lakewood and works all the time and doesn't even try to see how i'm doing when i'm having a hard time at home it broke my heart. it's now September 27th and I haven't seen him since July 17th and maybe have only gotten a text from him 3 times in that span of time. My high school sweetheart Chris neglected me like that too and only one girl really saw my pain behind my forced smile. I still force a smile for my son but deep down i'm really hurting from this bad reputation I have with love.

Now I have given up on men. I don't use dating sites anymore or even really socialize with men in public. I am completely turned off by the opposite sex. I even wear a cheap engagement-looking ring on my ring finger in hopes guys just won't bother. Now I have my priorities corrected. I want to work on myself... Get out of my parents' home and live independently with my youngest son and then work on getting custody of my husband's a my 7 year old.  A-Sexual life here I come!