A Venting Session

A venting Session

My family seemed to never have been empathetic to my emotions. They never wonder "What's making her cry?" instead they tell me to "stop the act" They never wonder what my thought process is when I'm in my room cutting my arms. They just send me off with EMT to the hospital and hope they keep me for what seems like forever. They never apologize for things they say or when they constantly gang up on me. The amount of verbal abuse I get in that house is ridiculous.

I'm also tired of the god damned favoritism in the house. How my sister is this perfect being and i'm the complete fuck up. I work, I help out around the house, I don't smoke anymore or drink, I don't sit on my ass all day playing on my phone or watching the stupid news. Somehow they're all oblivious to everything I do around there and find my sister completely flawless.

Today on my way to work I had to hold back tears which wasn't working too well. I'm mentally and emotionally shot. I had gotten into a fight with my sister yesterday and my mom had to bring it up this morning when I was in a relatively decent mood and therefor put me on the defense. As I was leaving while I was pissed off I left the door open. My sister called out how i'm a fucking hypocrite and I wanted to walk back and knock some of her teeth out.

My sister is the biggest hypocrite I know. She talks bad about people behind their backs then gets all butthurt when she catches people talking about her, she tells people to quit drinking when she herself is a binge drinker, She's not that great of a mom, her son is spoiled and demanding who expects to get whatever he wants whenever he wants and is only nice to my sister when he's asking for something, so she gets it for him. Otherwise he treats her like a slave. I suppose she needs to lay in the bed she made for herself but she has the nerve to call me a bad mother. As I recall, sure my son can be a little stinker but at least he's nice and affectionate to me and not just because he wants something. and I love him to bits and do what I can when i'm home and try to spend some bonding time with him. I don't just sit on my butt on a different floor from him watching television.

I guess this turned out to be more of a rant and off topic but the lack of empathy is ridiculous. I should just be the same way and not care about anyone. why not right? My sister thinks she can treat me like shit and i'll let her officially adopt my oldest. Boy is she in for a rude awakening.

The Bookworm Life

The Bookworm Life

I have been reading books like crazy lately. I finished one in 5 days then another in four now i'm on another one all back to back. I have no idea what started it. I usually go into phases where i'd love reading and then before you know it I can't bear to pick up another book. So far it's been sticking. Sure I don't read as much as I used to given I have a job but I read whenever I can. I even have my current book in my purse to read on my way home from work since it's small enough to fit there.

What makes you love to read? I love escaping to other worlds. It's better to read than to watch a movie because you learn a larger vocabulary and are forced to use your imagination. I deal with a lot of drama at home so I like to have an escape. It's almost as if I am sick of my life and want to pretend to be someone else for a while so I confide in a novel.

I can read practically anywhere. I like to lay tummy down on my bed with music on and a book in hand with a hot cup of tea nearby or on the couch with a cup of coffee on the coffee table and my book laid out on a pillow. I can even enjoy reading while waiting for the bus to arrive after a day at work.

I prefer paper novels. I occasionally read on my kindle app on my phone but it's just not the same. You can't smell the pages or feel them in your fingers. You have to worry about sun glare or the battery on your device. With paper books all you need is a portable book light and you're ready to go anywhere. My favorite novels are hardcover because you don't have to worry about the covers bending and crease lines.

I have many beloved authors who I enjoy their novels. Isaac Marion, Carolyn Turgeon, Heather Graham, Seth Patrick, Joe Hill, James Swain just to name a few... OK well most of them I guess. The thing is I like to read a vast variety of novels by different writers. I have a thing at discovery to see different writing styles and enter the mind of the author to try to think what they might have been thinking in the process of coming up with the ideas for the books. I also like to broaden the horizon by learning about different authors. 

As you can see from my writer selection I have listed many. I read all of their books but occasionally branch out with novels I buy at the library bookstore. I really like the library bookstore because you can never quite predict what they will have in stock. Or even when they restock the shelves. I own so many books and have only read ten of them so far. I don't know why but I tend to collect books but then go to the library and borrow books to actually read. It's odd I guess to be like that and I know I should read the books I actually have. Oh well, the struggle is real.

Doggy Salon

Doggy Salon

On Sunday I took my fur-baby Pessa to the groomers at PetSmart in South Euclid, Ohio. I was going to make her an appointment a long time ago while she was still just a pup but she didn't have her vaccinations then so I couldn't. I went online to their site and priced it out. Online it said $54 to have it done within' a 3 day notice. So I scheduled it and picked Tatiana from the list of groomers available.

I took Pessa to the salon and I was greeted warmly and with professional etiquette. There was a draw-erase welcome board where they put the names of all the dogs they were servicing that day which I thought was a very nice touch. They were overall very kind and absolutely loved my baby girl.

Pessa was a scruffy mess. Full of mattes and messy looking. While at the store, they told me their game plan and advised me that de-matting would cost an extra $14 per hour. They decided they were going to shave her body and leave some hair on her face and keep her fluffy little tail. To be honest I like her a little hairier but the overall look was adorable. They called me throughout the service to update on how she was doing. It turned out she had fleas so for $27 extra she would get a flea and tick shampooing and a treatment that will keep her flea free for 30 days. I ended up paying exactly $100 for this but she looked absolutely adorable. They even attached two little hair bows on her ears.

I was very pleased with how Tatiana did and was very happy with how Pessa looked in the end. I think I found my permanent groomer, how about you? I personally thought it was an amazing job. Thank you PetSmart!

I Quit

I Quit

For a few years I've been smoking an e-cigarette or I suppose you would call it vaping. I did the math to see how much money I would save if I just quit the habit. It turned out I would save $86.32 a month which is a good amount of money. I could use that money to help pay off my credit accounts. With that discovery, I knew it was time to quit soon. I waited until I was out of current cartridges to quit.

I quit Friday afternoon. Which is when my last cartridge ran out.  During the first couple of days everything was fine. A little impulsive craze here, a slight craving there, but nothing I couldn't take my mind off of. Now, it's going crazy. I'm getting extremely irritable which makes me crabby and kind of mean. Yesterday I complained that no one bought me non-dairy creamer when they had gone out shopping and got everything else. Today it terrible. My hands feel weird because i'm not holding my e-cigarette and I feel like i'm dying with cravings. I'm at work so I have no real way to keep my mind off of it.

I know i'm strong and that I will get through this but nicotine withdrawals suck big time. I kind of knew it was going to be bad but it's the healthier thing to do. I was able to quit real cigarettes and switch to this vape pen so hopefully I can kick the Vape pen habit also. Wish me luck!

Happy Dance

Happy Dance

Do you ever get extremely excited for something to come in the mail? I think we all do. I ordered foundation and it'll be in the mail today. THANK HEAVENS! I have an OCD trait where I have to know where my packages are at all times. When there's no tracking number I get completely anxious about where the package might be at any given moment.

As a shopaholic, I'm always getting packages. Unfortunately on eBay, sometimes there are no tracking numbers if it's shipping from outside the USA. This drives me absolutely mad. That's the main reason why I hesitate about using the Wish app. Not to mention their clothing is not by US standards and never fits. Other things I have bought from them which are not of a fabric nature have been completely fine.

I am absolutely addicted to Online Shopping. some people get bundles packages full of goodies, other people just buy here and there from online retailers. I on the other hand, am always looking for items to buy. Not that I really need them but i'm not gonna lie. I'm a bit of an impulsive spender. It gets really bad when I'm manic from a coffee buzz. I try to relieve my shopping urges by allowing myself four dollars every week to go to the library and scout their good books and movies. How can you pass a deal like that up though? Two books for a dollar, 50 cents per DVD. It's honestly a steal!

Sometimes the budget spending works and other times it fails miserably. I have overdrawn one of my credit cards by $59.00 which I just paid a little towards today. not much, only six dollars but got to start somewhere right? If I can keep from spending on useless items I'll have all my cards paid off by March of next year. Not too bad I suppose, I've spent a lot of money and my tax return are going towards my outstanding amounts which is Dell and my braces payments. or maybe just to my other cards so I can just get those out of the way. We'll see when the time comes.

I'm getting off topic here, forgive my wandering and racing thoughts. I just find packages fun though. who doesn't like getting a box in the mail to feel giddy over their contents? I'm not much for crate bundles or things like Ipsy even though loving makeup as much as I do, I should probably subscribe for their awesome makeup samples. I probably will in the future perhaps regrettably. For now i'll stick to eBay, Montgomery Ward, and Amazon.

Hell, I just bought a couple things on Montgomery Ward which is one of those catalog retail sellers. They offer a credit card specifically for their site. That's pretty much the only card I haven't maxed out. I had to buy new bed-sheets on account of my mom getting paint on mine as well as my son getting nail polish on them. I also bought a 48 count K-cup pack for my Keurig since I'm running low.

My most exciting arrival was probably my Keurig. I used it once as soon as I got everything figured out on it and then took it straight upstairs to my bedroom which I use on the daily. It was my most practical purchase I might admit for I use it constantly every day. I was also excited to receive constant packages containing the Stargate SG-1 series. It came from various sources (eBay and Amazon) but I had gotten the full series plus their spin-offs Atlantis and Universe. This was unfortunately before I found out they had the complete collection on Hulu, OOPS!

I've ordered various things online over the years. Movies, books, makeup, nail polish, toys for my son, my Keurig, clothing items, bed sets, you name it I've probably bought it at some point. I suppose I could almost be categorized as a beginner hoarder. The only thing different about me and a master hoarder is that it hasn't engulfed my bedroom. It's all neatly organized. Sure my bookcase is practically full to the brim with books piled on two rows per shelf but it doesn't look disorganized and just laid out wherever. Who knows what other packages there will be in the future.

Real Life Verses Hollywood Glamour

Real Life Verses Hollywood Glamour

This woman has become an internet sensation for making parodies of ads and overall real life lessons. When you pose the ways models tend to you look mildly ridiculous and somewhat awkward. This just goes to show that real life isn't always that glamorous. Here's a few examples.
Poise verses clumsy: Models are so graceful and extravagant with their outfits and their body language. Though, when you see a normal person strutting their stuff as if they were on a runway walking down the street, you'd think they were a little disturbed. Alas it's always funny to see clumsy people trying to wear heels like the models in photo shoots fall flat on their faces, right?
Sensuality verses awkwardness: Models can pose sexy every chance they get and it seems natural. When we do it however, It can be quite the turn off. When women are a bit heavy set and men don't have a six-pack we think, who are they trying to impress not to mention how weird we can look trying to be sexy period. Some of us don't have that talent what so ever!
Six-pack verses dad-bod: Now what woman doesn't think six-packs are an attractive trait for men to have? Most male models have accomplished this with hard work, females maintain their petite shapes as well. Do you ever see a man with a dad-bod on a Calvin Klein ad? no. That's for their ignorant perception of the perfect man. dad-bods aren't all that bad either honestly.
Celebrity moms verses real moms: You see so man photos of celebrities with their children. They're wearing Armani and Louis Vutton shoes walking their children to school and we think "how classy!" How many real moms do that? We're normally seen in torn jeans and t-shirts maybe a hoodie and a tad of makeup if we're lucky that day. I think we all remember Beyonce nude with her newborn twins yeah? What real mom's bodies are completely perfect after carrying one baby let alone two? Totally unrealistic. I'm covered from arms to buttox with stretch marks and you see these celebrities without one damn line on them. I don't know whether to be jealous or that i'm a proud tiger who earned these stripes.
I guess it isn't easy on models to have a certain requirement due to the industries ridiculous idea of the perfect person. We want it more realistic though. We want women multitasking while holding a baby, a little meat on their bones. how about some bearded dad-bod gentleman holding a can of beer for a underwear ad? Isn't that the society we should be catering to?

Money Goes POOF!

Money Goes POOF!

I am trying so hard to save every penny I have to pay off my credit cards. I worked on my budget today and calculated how much I could pay to credit cards if I quit buying e-cigarette cartridges. I'd save $86.32 a month to be exact. That is enough motivation in itself to quit and use that money to pay off my credit accounts. So far I have Dell, Montgomery Wards, Capital One, and a Chase card all that need to be paid off. I'm even going to Lifetime Fitness today to cancel my membership that's already on hold just to save $11.10 a month. As my dad says, "Easy come easy go" At least i'm now trying to put my priorities straight and get this stuff paid off finally.

With the extra money from quitting my e-cigarette I'd have Capital One paid off in October, Chase paid off in December, and Montgomery Ward paid off in February, which is cutting two months worth of payment each. Then I will focus on getting Dell paid off. I'm also using my tax return to go toward my Braces payments as well as my Dell account. My consensus is that if I can pay over $100 a week on Dell I should get it paid off in a timely fashion as well, but only with my other credit cards paid off. which, with my shopaholic tendencies, is going to be a very difficult thing to do. I already have to use a payment to buy a new makeup foundation.

Money easily disappears doesn't it? I'm sure we all have our own financial responsibilities. I just tend to get myself in a pickle from time to time. The weird thing is, how I always seem to get myself back out of it. I don't know how I manage but it always happens. My brain is very complex sometimes. I just wish I didn't have an addiction to shopping.

Nostalgia

Nostalgia

Yesterday I came across my middle child's ultrasounds I found my youngest's on my old Facebook page. My youngest and myself had throwback moments pouring over baby pictures. I had many of my middle and youngest sons so we swiped through them in Facebook albums and I explained to him that these were the time they were in my belly.

I remember the pictures, My middle son's first Christmas and his first candy cane. Their births and how I cried tears of joy when I held them in my arms for the first time. How my middle son peed on me right after they handed him to me. The pain of going through a completely natural child birth because I was being a stubborn ass and refused all medications as well as an epidural. I had told my mom "I can do this." when she had advised me to accept the pain meds, and I did do it without.

I remember my two children's new born days. Washing bottles, giving baths, taking naps with them and feeding time. After my youngest's birth I lost sleep just because I couldn't stop staring with adoring eyes. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on. Their little hands gripping my finger. the skin-to-skin bonding time. I rarely ever put them in the nursery to get any sleep. I had to have them by my side at all times.

I reminisced over their ultrasounds about how the ultrasound tech said my middle son flipped her the bird and caught it in a picture. You wouldn't believe it wasn't photo shopped except I have the original photo strip. My youngest was a hider he was always flipped backward so you couldn't get a good shot.

The whole time I was looking over pictures it gave me a sense of baby fever. How I miss having a precious newborn around. I didn't know then that my children would be a pain in the ass. They definitely have their own varied personalities. Even from birth they did. My middle son always was easy to keep happy and slept most of the time. While he was awake he just stayed bundled in his swing and looked around. My youngest was a bit more demanding. He cried for attention often and wouldn't leave my side.

It's sad how fast they grow up. In the blink of an eye their already a year or two older. You really have to cherish the moments and I do with taking tons of pictures. One day they're going to be grown men when it seems like just the day before they were born. Time really flies when you have blessed children.

Trust In God

Trust In God

Now I don't really write many posts about my faith. I do like to write controversial posts but forcing my religion on anyone is pretty much where I draw the line. I don't like to categorize myself into anything that really divides us as a society whether it'd be politics or religion. I am more or less a spiritual individual who believes there really is a God. At one point or another we'll need God. When a loved one is having a hard time with their health, you turn to God when in the past you never believed in them. You pray for your children in the NICU when they're premature or slowly reaching death, You pray for your parents on their deathbed, you even pray to win the lottery. A quote from one of my favorite movies called The Prophecy 2. A woman says "it's not that he doesn't talk to you, you know? It's just that you don't listen" Whether or not God personally speaks to us, I do believe God is there.

I have prayed many times in the past and even started praying again now. I pray for my family, I pray for my children, I pray for more pleasant outcomes in life. I don't pray to win the lottery and only twice prayed for selfish gain. I no longer do that. I've learned God seldom answers selfish prayer, that's all granted by chance. However, if it's in a selfless act, God will listen and most times answer your prayers unless he has something different in store for whom your prayers are about. I have prayed that I get my current job. Which I did. and I prayed for God to forgive me for adultery and bring the man I cheated with back to me, He did come back around for a short time. I think it was God's apology for dealing me such a rough hand in life. God's forgiven me of all my trespasses so I found it easy to forgive God as well.

My most recent set of prayers were toward my birth sister. She is struggling with her health and had gotten a sever infection that traveled from her abdomen to her heart which is already weak and she has a pacemaker fitted which she has had since childhood. The first time I visited her she was swollen like Violet Beureguard in Charlie And The Chocolate Factory. She was as pale as a goth wearing white foundation, She couldn't keep her eyes open and was very unresponsive. She also had a breathing tube down her throat because she was no longer breathing on her own. It was terrible to see so I started praying to God for her often.

She had gotten a surgery to reroute the shunt that goes from her brain to her abdomen in through her lung instead. As I prayed to God, the surgery was a success and with a new update from my birth mother who I call Mommy Dearest, My sister is recovering well and the new shunt location is responding very well. She has gotten her color back and is more alert to visitors. The next step is to place a breathing tube into her neck so she will be able to speak if she can fight to do so. I will pray for that as well. God has been listening to my prayers, I know this. I thank God in this difficult time for my family and myself. God may not speak to me directly but I know God is speaking through actions. 

Baby Days

Baby Days

Yesterday was a pretty slow day. I was looking at my scrapbook and found a few blank pages. I decided to add a page to update a bit. The only thing wrong with the page I made is I somehow managed to get my second son Gabriel's birth-date wrong. I put 03/09/09 when it was actually on Friday the 13th in that month. I should have known better because during my stay in the hospital, I joked to the nurses that I should have named him Jason.

Overall though I thought I did a relatively nice job. I did the page on Microsoft Word and tried to scan a picture of me and my first born but the scanner on the printer wasn't working so I had to copy the picture, glue it to the page, and then copy the page again so it was all on one page in order. The first picture was when I was 18 with my first born Julian Connor, the second was when I was 21 with my second born Gabriel Dragan, and the third was when I was 24 with my youngest Tristan Danyael.

I love all three of my boys even though Julian is now in my sister's care and Gabriel is with his father. I do however have my youngest who is a typical pain in the ass five year old. They all are turning out to be amazing little men. They all have their moments though. Julian can be selfish and a bully to his baby brother. Gabriel is greedy and somewhat spoiled, and Tristan is very anger stricken and whiny.

They have their good points too though. Julian can be kind when he wants to be and occasionally gives me a back rub when my muscles hurt and acknowledges  he's my son and will use "like mother like son" references. Gabriel is extremely kind and polite, he loves unconditionally despite the hardships he's been through. Then Tristan is a bit of a charmer. He'll get cuddly with hugs and kisses and will occasionally do manicures and pedicures with me.

I feel horrible that my first and second born aren't in my care. I wasn't ready for Julian and fell into a deep post-partum depression after giving birth. I would not get out of bed for anything let alone take care of my child. I pretty much pawned him off on whoever was there. Most of the time it was my sister and she grew attached. I was in an abusive relationship with Gabriel's father. It made me miserable and extremely depressed so I would stay in bed and neglect my sons. I finally had the nerve to leave eventually but didn't take Gabriel with me. Julian however was gone for a visit with my parents and I told them to keep him there. That will always be my #1 regret in life.

The thing is though, If I were to have Gabriel with me, I may not have ran off with a former High School sweetheart and gotten myself pregnant a third time. Tristan changed me. I try much harder with him and got off my ass to take care of him around the clock. I was mentally more stable and was out of abusive situations. He made my life complete and he's my world. I would be so lost and wouldn't know the point of living was anymore if I ever lost him.

I have hope that all three of them will be good men when they're older and pray that God keeps watching over them through everything and bless them with amazing lives. I hope their days are full of joy and happy memories. They all have went through a lot. Abuse, neglect, a lazy,distant, and mentally ill mother who struggles daily. Perhaps they will learn to not be like their mother and take care of their children the best they can when that time comes.

Burned Out

Burned Out

Today I woke up at around 10 A.M. I was feeling like a zombie because my P.M. meds knocked me the fuck out last night and put me into a dead man's sleep. I made six cups of coffee, then another six to start my morning. I ended up getting a lot done today and am left feeling burned out. If you're not sure what I mean, the definition i'm referring to is a state of physical or mental collapse due to overwork or stress. I'm not really stressed and the collapse wouldn't be of a mental nature.

Today I did the following. Washed laundry, cleaned 2 bathrooms, made my bed, cleaned up he kitchen and did the dishes, straightened out the living room,  got all the laundry washed and folded  my clean laundry and the towels, emptied the trash can, wrote a blog entry I even sewed the seam of two pairs of leggings that had holes in the crotch of them.

I am buzzed off coffee yet exhausted at the same time. I tried to lay down but the coffee wouldn't let me settle down. I watched two movies today and read a chapter of my book. After this entry I may take a shower to make myself feel better and put my clean clothes away. I wish I knew why it is that I get crazy productive on the weekends. My mother, sister, nephew, and son aren't here maybe i'm a little happier, at least I know I am when my mom and sister are out of town.