Living a Bi-Polar Life

Living A Bi-Polar Life

I've been suffering from Bi-polar Disorder, Severe Depression, Schizoaffective Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder, and an Attachment Disorder also known as Borderline Personality Disorder for as long as I can remember. Even though i'm medicated for the Bi-Polar and the Depression these illnesses plague my life every day. My illnesses make it hard to maintain positive relationships with family and friends. My depression made me have a major setback in school. I wouldn't go for months at a time and since I had a hard time making friends, I would get into fights a lot and have manic episodes where I would be kind've mean and in Junior high, no one understood my illnesses. I was forced to transfer schools twice and I was put on an I.E.P (Individualized Education Plan) for my behavioral problems. I felt like an outcast and was treated as such. I did manage to graduate high school in 07' after I gave birth to my first child. My illnesses got the best of me and I went into a deep post-partum depression. I would not get out of bed for that child. My sister then took over the role of mother and to this day raises him because I wasn't ready mentally and is on the road to adoption. in 2009 I gave birth to another son and struggled but mentally was doing better. Until the husband and I moved back to Ohio from Honolulu, Hawaii. The move devastated me as well as my husband's aggression towards me and I fell back into a severe depression. I stopped taking care of my child to the point of full blown neglect. I felt horrible but at that point the illnesses were too strong to fight. I separated from my husband and in 2011 became med compliant. I became pregnant with my 3rd child and treated the pregnancy carefully aside from the occasional arm cutting due to the stress and mental abuse from the husband. I was hospitalized twice for cutting and once for possible preterm labor. After my third son's birth I took one look at him and I had the strength to battle my illnesses. I quit cutting and got back on my medicines. My illnesses seemed to go away for most of his infancy. I fought hard and did what I had to do. diaper changes, medicine administer, even woke up every time he cried to feed him. I washed his bottles and played with him. It was so hard to put him down when he was a newborn. As the years began to go by my mental health began to deteriorate again. Even though I would still change him in the mornings It's became harder to wake up in the mornings and there would be times I would just want to be left alone or I'd rather play on my phone than pay attention to him.I wouldn't take him outside to play or to the park. All I would do is feed him, get him a beverage, and change his diaper. I would have problems with my family as well. I would get very on edge about everything and anything said to me. I would go off very easily, especially on my sister and my mother. Everything they did aggravated me to the point I would start saying things i'd later regret.and be mean to them. I realized what my triggers were. being demanded, and people being extremely nosy. My mother and sister do both. My father didn't normally trigger episodes and when I got into these episodes I wouldn't talk to my friends at all and have hurt their feelings when i ignored my better judgement. Luckily I have two friends that understand me and my illnesses and forgive me after I have an episode and are sometimes able to calm me down. Good to have people who understand you.  I now also have a dog who is my emotional support dog she keeps me active so my depression can't take over completely and now I will sometimes leave my phone upstairs on the weekends so I can pay more attention to my son. my Mental illnesses have seemed to go into remission as long as I'm med compliant