The Truth of The Deceived

The Truth of The Deceived

So the honesty was revealed by my father yesterday. Even though I thought I had accomplished so much this last weekend, my father and I got into a fight and he told me I did absolutely nothing. I was crushed. I admired my father and thought we were close but it turned out to be a string of a lie, and he played his part very well. I was so pained that I went into another room and began to cry. I was so hurt by his words to me, I had went up into my room, leaned against the door so no one could enter, and used my blade to cut my arms. I had gone over 2 years without cutting before that point and I am not suicidal by any means and have no intention to kill myself. I do have thoughts that maybe just doing myself in would make life easier for everyone around me. My husband would be a widower and could remarry without having to worry about me getting any visits with our son Gabriel, My parents would have a stupid burden lifted, and my friends wouldn't have to deal with my complaining and venting all the time. My 4 year old son wants nothing to do with me 90% of the time and my parents don't understand my mental illnesses or what I struggle with every day. How hard it is to even get out of bed every morning to go to work. how to come come and even be on the same floor as them and not lock myself away in my room with my phone, laptop, and alcohol and waste away day by day. I don't hear them telling my sister or brother what horrible people they are, only me. They are only extremely hard on me or at least have the decency not to do it where the whole neighborhood can hear it. I guess they just prefer to humiliate me. I put my hoodie back on after cutting up my arms and went back downstairs to get my beer. No one had known what had happened and the first thing my father had said to me is "go into another room, I don't even want to look at you" So I went back into the craft room which is off the kitchen hallway and began to cry again and posted on Facebook and reached out to a few of my best friends which are more family-like than my actual (excuse my french) fucking family. I asked my mother to take my son and me to a shelter that I couldn't take the mental abuse anymore and she claimed I wasn't getting mentally abused and refused to take us. so I showed her my arms and told her that that was what mental abuse causes me to do. She called me silly and stupid for what I had done. I told her I was truely miserable and went back into the craft room and cried a 3rd time. I ate and took my puppy and son and we went to bed.

This morning I barely spoke to my parents. I got ready for work as I always do and drank my coffee in silence only acknowledging my son as he pretended he was a puppy and was trying to get my attention I responded with hey puppy-boy and petted his head as he was on all fours and that was the response he wanted. I told him I loved him as 7:55 AM came I left the house without a single goodbye to anyone. I feel so numb inside like my heart has been shredded into a million pieces, I doubt I will talk to them when I get home as well. I don't know how long it will go on but I feel betrayed by people I thought I was supposed to be able to trust because they're "family" what is family anymore anyway? I don't believe this is how family is supposed to work.